Unpredictability

I'm not a person who enjoys unpredictability. I never have, I never will. As a college student six months out of high school, who hated high school and all aspects of high school, I've realized that I miss the innocence of high school. Not to say that high school is innocent. Trust me, no one in high school can be considered "innocent" by any means, but the innocence of responsibility.

I've never been one to say that I like a safe environment. In fact, most everything that I believe goes against a safe environment. But high school is safe. The only responsibility you have is getting to class on time and keeping your grades suitable to satisfy mom and dad. You don't worry about managing work, plus getting your school done, plus doing enough to pay the bills, plus any other responsibilities of this "adult" world.

But at the same time, life is a mysterious adventure. God has created this life of unpredictability so we learn how to trust Him more. This is a life full of mystery, beauty, joy, pain, sorrow. Everything changes. There is a time for everything. We all have a destiny, a craving, a fulfillment. We're called not to live in the safety nets that society builds but in the uncivilized wonderlands that God creates for us. I don't know what tomorrow brings. I don't know where I'll be living or working or who I'll know in a year. But I do know one thing. If I pursue what God has placed on my heart, and follow the path He has placed me on, I don't need to know. I just need to become the woman God has created me to be. He's already shown me that by trusting Him, extraordinary things can happen. So perhaps this is true in all aspects of life. Wait, forget the "perhaps". The only way to find an answer is to find the unpredictable. In fact, unpredictability is the answer. I think that is God were standing beside me right now and I asked Him what my future had in store, His answer would be a shrug of the shoulders and the word "unpredictability".

Finding and Failings.

I've been in a nostalgic mood lately. I've been thinking about all my past experiences; my findings, my failings, my hopes, my dreams, my accomplishments. After looking back, I realized something. It's all led me here.

As far as accomplishments, I have accomplished some of the greatest things that some could never accomplish. There have been hardships that I may never completely overcome, hurts that I may never be able to fully forgive, and shattered dreams that I may never be able to look past. But I do know one thing. They have all made me stronger. Without them, I wouldn't be who I am today, be in the position I am today, or know the people I know now.

Some say I'm too hard on myself. Do I share in this? Of course not! I often think I'm not hard enough on myself. But I just figured something out; most of the things I think I've failed at, I haven't really failed at all. I simply haven't accomplished them yet. That's not to say that I haven't failed at all. Trust me, I've failed many times. Some things were irreversible, and some things nearly destroyed the future that I look so forward to now.

But there is a difference between failure and accomplishment. To accomplish doesn't always mean being the best at something, or being perfect at a task, or getting exactly what you hoped for. No, accomplishment means achievement. To fail means never accomplishing anything. For example, if I say that I have failed at being a daughter, does that mean I have failed and should just give up? No. It simply means that in some areas, I have failed at being the daughter I should be (or in some cases, how others or myself think I should be). But I can still accomplish being a good daughter. I just have to try harder. I didn't go off to a four year university straight out of high school. Does that mean that I have failed at accomplishing that dream? No. It simply means what I just said. I didn't go to a four year university right out of high school. End of story. Does that mean I never will? No. After COS, I plan to finish my degree, whether it takes four years, or five years, or ten years. I'm finishing college. Period.

All the things I listed above (Hopes, dreams, failings, accomplishments) tie in. Some of my dreams I know can not happen. Some of them simply aren't happening yet. And yes, in some areas, I have failed. But I hope to remember that every time I do not accomplish something that it does not mean I have failed. It simply means I must try again until it becomes undoubtedly unattainable.

When Life Really Takes Off

It really is ironic how life...happens. God has this amazing plan all set out for us, and we have absolutely no idea how it all works out....if we simply trust Him and continue believeing what we know 100% to be true...and that is that every plan he has for us are "plans to prosper [us] and not to harm [us]." They are "plans to give [us] a hope and a future."

Life is like a road. We find a road that is...comfortable...that is safe. We figure that, if we go down this road, all our life experiences will simply meet us along the way. We begin to focus simply on what lies at the end of the road, and not at what we are meeting along the way. We work our way through valleys, rivers, storms, even quicksand...but at least it's paved. And then one day when we see nothing but the goal set out before us, we find "The Road Not Taken." (Robert Frost) There's a door, and no way around it. There's a sign on the door saying, "Those who open this door and walk through may never find their way back. Do you dare take a step of faith into the unknown?"

Silently we wonder, Am I really brave enough to take part in this journey?

Some of us do choose the road, some of us will choose to run away from the door. Some of us will simply lose heart altogether and walk back up the road to where we started, thinking all the while, Why travel down a road if there is nothing but constant distractions? I'll just sit here and watch everyone else walk down the road.

But those of us who do open the door, we know, there is a grand adventure waiting for us. A calling to follow. A story to live. A tale to tell. This doesn't mean that the way is easy. In fact, it may be the hardest thing you've ever done in your entire life. But the reward is greater than anyting you'll ever know. The reward is Life.

Let me tell you what is behind the door....

You slowly turn the knob, and open the door. The door creaks from years of not being used. The hinges are rusty, and you begin to wonder what on earth your getting yourself into. As you step through the door, you step into total darkness. You can only see a little because the door is still open. You turn around to see the other side of the door, which states "To seee what lies ahead, you must close the door. But do be careful. The door will only reopen for those who wish nothing to do on this path." You begin to close the door with all the streangth you have. Finally, the door slams shut, and you are knocked to your feet. But rather than being in total darkness, it's as if the sun has a new type of brightness. You can see better than you've ever seen before. And for some reason, you really can't remember what you were just doing. Like an epiphany, you are filled with a new dream, a new passion, and that is all you can think about. You look around. This is no road, this is definitely a path...a path obviously that not many travel. You begin to wonder, am I really doing the right thing? There's a door there, should I go back through it? But you have this amazing peace about you...something you've never felt before...a peace that transcends all understanding. You realize that there is no going back through the door for you, and that the only way to go is forward.

You take a step...

Then another...

Then another...

And suddenly your heart starts pounding.... what am I doing??? There's no way this could ever work out!

You turn on the foot that is in front of you and face the door again. But when you try to walk...you can't move. You hear a voice in you head saying Go back! Go back! This is the only way! Turn around and find the life God has planned for you! With excitment mixed with fear, you turn around to face the uncertainty. The road ahead is still dark, but with each step you take, more light shines ahead. Eventually, no matter what your looking for, sunshine will shine on you and the whole path...you'll suddenly see what you're supposed to do in life....who your supposed to follow...what you've been waiting for your whole life. Because you chose the Road that is less taken, you will find your journey to be complete. Of course, you can still turn back...even now that your so far in. But know that if you do, you will be 100% unsatisfied with whatever the paved road may lead to. With each step you take on the beaten path, you begin to not care one little bit about the other road. When you reach your goal, you will turn around and see the path you have taken...see all the steps you took, all the bridges you crossed, and all the storms you have weathered...and you will stand in awe.

It's amazing what you can do when you trust God. You may be fearful. You may think, "What if I'm just following my own heart's desires, and not Gods?" But if it is truly God's will, it will become ours....and we will be amazed. [If you choose the Road less traveled by, it will make all the difference.]

The Road Not Taken
Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

What's done is done....

Let's not speak of what has happened in the past again.

Dreams

I find it absolutely amazing and indescribable when God places a dream in our hearts that we never expected....we are simply consumed by the thought of it, and can't stop thinking about it. Because it feels so absolutely from God and seems so right, yet out of reach, we are sometimes just brought to tears because of the sheer magnitude that, if it really were to come true, it could very well be the best thing that ever happens to us. We are consumed, we are drawn to it, we simply smile at the thought of it...and we are captivated by it. The amazing thing is that nothing is impossible, as Christ said. If we believe it, it very well could happen. God is amazing in the way He works things out sometiimes. Just simply look at the dreams you have on your heart, and look at your past....heck, just look at the past year! Can you see how so many things in your life point arrows straight to your heart's deepest longing? Can you see how, although a lot of things have been painful in your life, maybe they really were all just leading up to this phenominal event? Can you see how God has used all those experiences and hardships to shape your life and prepare your heart so you can see what he has planned next?

It is simply astounding how God uses our weakest moments to shape our strongest desires.

Prepare yourself....

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's all! I'm going insane now....

Rising From the Ashes

How many times have we been in a situation where we cannot see how any good whatsoever can come of it? How many times has a door closed on an opportunity that felt so right? How many times has it felt like God has changed His mind when the answer seemed so clearly a "yes?" I can name at least six or more in the last five years, two being in the last three months. These are the situations that often leave us feeling desolate, hopeless, and afraid. Because we are so torn apart, we have no way of seeing how these situations can eventually turn out beautiful. We find it almost impossible to wait for God's timing, and nearly fail to realize what God is doing underneath the surface. But from the ashes of those fallen dreams, God is creating something elusive and captivating...if we are willing to persevere and trust Him.

When Mount St. Helens erupted in 1980, it created devastation...and a wasteland in what was once known as the most lush and beautiful place of Washington. Spirit Lake was completely filled with volcanic mud; fifteen square miles of trees were reduced to what looked like fallen down toothpicks; a combination of ash, rock and mud covered the earth for miles and miles, and killed all the surrounding wildlife. When I got to visit Johnston Ridge Observatory in 2001-twenty one years after the eruption- the area still looks like a wasteland. Nearly three miles from the foot of the volcano, you can see just about every square inch of ground. It is barren. It is a wasteland. It is dead. But this is only to an observer who does not look at the area around them. We were taking a walk on one of the trails, and all along on the sides, there are these tiny little flowers just starting to break through the earth. Twenty-one years of devastation! Yet, there is still new growth surfacing all over the ground. There are tiny trees beginning to grow again, but ever so slowly. And this new growth is beautiful; the bright colors among all the grayness of the devastation, the simple color of the tiniest flower is brilliant. It could take hundreds of years to get anywhere near what it once was, but God is making it happen, and creating something new from something that was destroyed.

Now think about this; we have experienced something horrible, something that shattered our dreams, or God said "no" to an opportunity that seemed right in so many ways. Our first reaction is to mourn the death of this thing, whatever it may be. We cry, we get angry, we can't see how on earth we could have hoped for this, or we blame God for ruining our lives. But what if we looked past what once was and begin looking forward on what could be? What is God doing in your life through all these things? They may not be enjoyable, but they could bring you unfathomable joy. It may take a long time, but God will never put any of us through a) more than we can handle, and b) something that is not for our own good. But we can only see these things if we're willing to persevere and allow Him to work in us at those times.

When these things happen, which they always will, one of our first instincts is to simply close our hearts up and not let anything or anyone in. Ultimately, even if your not intending to do this, your denying access of your heart to God. Scary, huh? When we need Him the most, we tend to shut Him out the most. It's definitely not easy, but if you let God in and allow Him to sculpt your life and character from the ashes of whatever has happened in your life, He will create something glorious and captivating. The road may not be easy- actually, that's an understatement. The road will NOT be easy, but it will be worth it if your willing to struggle through it and keep faith that God knows what He's doing. After all, "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him" -1 Corinthians 2:9

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

What I find incredibly discouraging is when we think we've finally learned to deal with or live with something, and it's in the back of our mind, our fondest memories begin to get clouded over by the thought of it. You can be having the time of your life, then suddenly something reminds you of it, and your past begins to take hold of your life again...and again...and again. That's when this journey we're on becomes a slow walk.

Another Page, Another Grand Adventure

What's really exciting in life is when we can turn a page in the story, and there's an illustration on the other side....you can see where God is taking you, and what He is doing in not only your life, but also your character as your continuing to let Him take hold of your life. That's when this adventure becomes exciting again.

The North Wind and the Sun

The North Wind and the Sun had an argument one day. They disputed which of them was the stronger. A traveler came along the road at that time, and the Sun suggested a way to resolve the argument. Whoever was able to cause the traveler to remove his coat would be the stronger. The Wind accepted the challenge and the Sun hid himself behind a cloud. The Wind began to blow. Yet the harder he blew, the more the traveler clutched his coat about himself. the Wind sent rain, even hail. The traveler clung even more desperately to his coat. Finally, in despair, the Wind gave up. The Sun came out and began to shine in all his glory upon the traveler. Quite soon the man had removed his coat. "How did you do that?" asked the Wind. "It was easy," said the Sun. "I lit the day. Through gentleness I got my way."

Something about this struck me when I read it today. I remember hearing it when I was younger, but never really got anything out of it. Funny, I can see so many areas where it can apply now. Church, friends, life. Isn't this what God calls us to do? When the bad times come, aren't we supposed to cling to him more? When the wind blows more fiercely than it ever has before, shouldn't we weather through it and wait for the sun to come through? It's amazing how easily we lose sight of that; how when one thing goes wrong, we tend to just lose hope and stop waiting for the good to come out again.

But guess what? It does. And even if we feel that nothing else can go wrong, it usually does. But in the end, it's all for a purpose, we just can't give up. If we give up, we give up faith as well. We begin to doubt, and to pity ourselves. But if we keep even an ounce of faith, and continue believing what we know is true, God will begin to unveil the things that we are here for. He'll begin showing us things we never dreamed were possible, and He'll begin showing us that faith really can move mountains, just not the type of mountains we think need moving.

And above all, He'll show us our hearts and invite us to share in this amazing mystery with him.

The sun will shine brighter tomorrow

I find it incredibly mysterious that when we think we can't take anymore disappointment or problems, and we basically hit the rock bottom we've been afraid of touching, we find the way out and can begin the journey back into the sunlight. It's amazing how when things aren't going anything at all the way we want, we lose sight of what God is doing in our lives because we're so focused on what we want to be doing, when all along He's been showing us where our true passions lie. It shocks me how mysterious God can be sometimes, and am honestly speechless that sometimes it takes crushing our desires to pieces in order to build up our passions

If we stick together, we can survive.

Dissension. It's a word right now that breaks my heart. As believers in Christ, we are called to work together against the forces of evil in the world and work for the development of the Kingdom of God. We are called to live lives in accordance to God and his teachings, and ultimately, to help each other along the way and stand as one.

During the first fight at the Colusium in Gladiator, Maximus (played by Russell Crowe) makes the statement "Whatever comes out of those gates, we have a better chance of survival if we work together. Do you understand? If we stay together, we survive." During the course of the next few scenes, you see man after man leave the circle of many to try to fight his own battle, each falling with the same fate; death. The men crowd in a circle, with their shields raised (for those of you that saw "300" it's much like what they do at the end.) and as chariot after chariot threatens to crush them all, Maximus can be heard shouting "Hold! Hold! As one! Stay as one!" One body, one shild, one defense.

Shouldn't the church be much the same? We are all standing on the same Solid Rock, with the purpose of serving God and others; worshiping; obeying; learning; teaching; loving one another and growing from one another. Look how strong we could be! But as a result of a fallen world, the church we live in today is no longer such a thing as Eden. We must fight to stay strong as ONE wall.

Look at the church like a dam; It is solid, bulit of steele, cement and rock. Impenetrable. Immovable. Unsinkable. It holds trillions of gallons of water with it's strength and does not give way, as long as it is in one piece. But then something creates a scratch. As tides and currents wash over it, it becomes bigger and deeper, under the surface where no one knows about it. Then it becomes a crack, and water starts seeping through, constantly corroding the solidness until one day, the crack becomes a leak, and the dam gives way all together. If the scratch had been seen, and something done about it, could the flood have been prevented?

Of course. Don't you see? As we become stronger in our faith, daily walk with God, and life, and as our churches and bodies of Christ become stronger, we give Satan more of a reason to try to "scratch" us, knowing that as human beings, we have the free will to look at a small situation and let doubt take hold of us. If one member suffers, we all suffer. If one member goes on his own way to find the way himself and secure his own victory, he is forced to fight his way alone; instead of being attacked only on one side while reinforced on the others, he can be attacked on all sides. Satan knows that if just one person begins doubting one simple fragment of truth, that person will eventually let it fester and will turn to another believer for help, wisdom, discernment. But then that person may look at it too with the same doubt. It all boils down to how people react to things, and how much pride we will eventually take on and where we let things go wrong. Satan's plan eventually leads to the doubt of many, and once the leak begins, there is dissension and distrust.

Why can't people let go of their pride and listen to logical reason (not even logical really, but biblical) and realize that they are under attack? If they stand as one again, they could be even stronger than they were before. But how long will it take to fix the crack?

A Crack in the Wall

And then sometimes there's a crack in the wall that you didn't even think twice about before, and suddenly you realize that it's not really all that dark and stormy outside...in fact, theres quite a bit of sun...you just have to find the steps to get there.

And that's where hope begins to set in; hope for a brighter tomorrow that only God knows what is in store for that day.

Only One Way Out.

There is one room, there are several doors and a few roads leading to those doors. You feel led through a couple, but when you get to the threshold, the door slams shut in your face. Then, all the other doors disappear, and your left with one door, the door you've been dreading and refusing to go through. That's the only way out of the room, and it's the one that leads into the cold, dark, stormy night that so many people get lost in. Or, theres always the floor that your standing on now; the one that seems to be pulling you in further and further into a pit of quicksand...and just when you think you can't sink any further, you do. And you keep sinking until all that's left is one little airhole, and that's just the one you don't want to go through.

The Very Long, Rocky, Narrow Road

When you reach the bottom of the valley, and there's quick sand, what do you do? If you try to move, you know you'll just keep sinking further and further into the pit. If you cry for help, the wrong person might come to the rescue. If you just stay there, the right person or opportunity might just come along. But what happens when it's night, and there is no one, and there are no ropes to pull you out? How do you face tomorrow knowing that the same thing is just going to keep happening? How do you find hope through all the muck, and how do you keep praying that a knight will come along who isn't afraid of the danger within?

Why is each glorious mountain backed by three valleys other than the one we just got out of? Why does it seem like everytime a good thing happens, or begins happening, that it's backed by three or four disappointments or struggles? Or that that thing falls apart altogether? Why do we hold onto what we know can not be or can not happen, and just deal with whatever frustration, confusion, and hurt it brings? Why do we keep hoping when there really isn't much hope to be had?

Because life is a journey filled with mystery, adventure, and excitement. All those fit on this path we're all placed on, and the things we experience and the places we stop at along the way are all part of this strange odyssey. They're all meant to teach us something, and though that something may be clouded over by many dark and stormy days, the sun will shine through again, by the grace of God.

But what about the people? How do we decipher who the protagonists are and who the antagonists are? We meet people along the way, they may even come part of the way with us. But no matter who we meet, they always seem to go their own way eventually. We are left wondering what we did to push them away, and we are left in chaos and confusion. We come to a crossroads, and they pick the other way, even when they told you they would travel the trail with you, and they don't look back. But does that mean that they never will? Does that mean that somewhere along on their road, it doesn't come back and meet the one we're traveling? And how do we know if we should let them back on, if and when that time comes? How do you know who to trust, and who not to trust? What makes me the most frustrated is the immature, indecisive, and unauthentic people that seem authentic, genuine, caring and trustworthy. Trustworthy. Wow, for the first time that word just hit me for what it really means. To be worthy of trust, trust being unable to doubt that persons intentions and capabilities.

But what makes someone untrustworthy? Or what makes us doubt them? What makes people let us down when we do trust them? Is it that they have wounds that go so deep that they're just trying to heal them in all the wrong ways, or is it that they're willing to settle because they're not willing to wait for us to be ready? What causes a person to make you think they're everything you ever needed in a trustworthy person and let you get to know the "true" them, and then they take off this magical mask, turn their back, run the other way and say "Look! This is who I really am!" Why did they have to say those things that meant so little, and were pointless to say? What made what they had to say so much more believable than everything you've heard in the past? Why did God even put them in our lives if it was going to cause us not to trust?

Because God works in these amazing ways that teach us the lessons we need for the rest of the journey. People come and go as they please. Decisions are made about you that you have no idea about, and people hurt you without even knowing it. Troubles come and go, and eventually, you find yourself "pushed to the limits." Thank God only He himself knows the limits that you can be pushed to. They say God doesn't give you more than you can handle, but is that true? It says that we are to cast our cares upon Him; what do you do when you do that, but your faced with the problem that caused the burden day after day, and when your reminded of that problem, the burden comes back? And what if we still feel led to wait, hope, and dream?

There you stay, stuck in the quick sand, unable to move. You were fighting a battle, your army deserted you, you chose a path, you climbed into the valley, and now your sinking. There's no where to go, it's pouring rain, it seems as if day will never come, and your left STUCK. All the memories of your life flood your mind with useless thoughts, and the days that you got to "bask in the sun" seem a world away. You remember when you felt like you were soaring, little things made your heart swim, and it seemed like you could never come down from your little cloud. Life seemed...memorable. But now that your stuck, in a situation that seems hopeless, pointless, and unfruitful, aren't those little dreams and aspirations just a little naive and silly?

But for some reason, those silly, stupid, petty hopes and dreams are what keep you hoping now. Yeah, you may be stuck and sinking further and further; but just when your ready to give it all up, God will send someone, with rope and strength, to pull you out of the shadowy mire, and back out into the sun and beautiful valley. And maybe, just maybe, they'll be willing to help you climb to the top of the mountain again, and journey with you into the valley on the other side.

Lost

In church the last couple of weeks, I've been hearing a lot about how your emotional well-being affects your spiritual well being. Honestly, I didn't really believe this...until I experienced it.

It's amazing how when your torn up and broken inside that it's easy to let go of a lot of the things you know are true. Your broken heart tears a hole in your soul, and you begin throwing all the beliefs that you once held so dearly to into that hole. They disappear, and you begin losing sight of who you really are; you treat people differently; you stray from the right path that you know is right and begin putting a mask back on; you put up barriers to those you care about the most and give the impression that you don't care at all; you make people believe that you've given up hope, when really all you've given up is faith; you cause people to wonder what they did, when really it's not what they did but what they didn't do (which was cause the pain in the first place); you act like a typical person, when all your life you've been more than typical; you place a grudge on people that you don't even know, simply because you don't want to let them in; and finally, you end up pushing away the very sources of life that have been calling you to a life of freedom, passion, love, joy, and courage and begin to live a life of apathy, anger, shallowness, bitterness, and jealousy.

These patterns are DEADLY. They rip apart your soul little bit by little bit until one day, your left wondering "Who am I?", when all along, you knew who you were, you were just pretending to be someone else so no one could come in and help.

Why do we do this?

"Because we're human." But that isn't an excuse; it didn't "just happen" that way. We let our focus off of God and began relying on other things, such as people, rather than placing our burdens before Him.

Don't lose yourself just because life throws curveballs; stay to what is true, and believe that God will see you through to the end. If it feels like your world is crashing around you, just remember that when your at the bottom, all you can do is go up. Think of life as a valley between two mountains; when your on top of the mountain, you don't grow (is there any vegetation at the top of Mount Everest?) but when your in the valley, the depths of despair, there is abundant life and vegetation. All you can do is grow, and when you get to the top of the mountain, you don't stop growing, because there is always another valley on the other side.

Don't lose yourself; don't lose faith; don't lose hope. Lose the doubt that causes you to lose these things and BELIEVE.

Trust

So have you ever gotten in the car, gotten on a random road, and just driven?

I did for the first time tonight, and it was amazing.

So I've been having trust issues with God lately, which sucks, but it's true.

So I just randomly got in the car and drove out in the country.

I stopped by an orange orchard, turned off the car and looked at the stars. They...were indescribable.

But then I started realizing why I was there.

If God created this amazing earth, all those billions of stars, planets, solar systems, etc....and we never crash into them, but we're all so delicately placed so we don't die, or go into the sun, or hit the asteroid belt...

.....then how can I not trust God with my problems?

It's wierd, for me anyway, that on an everyday basis, I'm willing to trust God (maybe unknowingly) to keep all those things in order....yet I hesitate to trust him with something that doesn't affect anyone but myself really.

So I realized that maybe it's time to fully trust. Why it took a drive in the county to make me realize that, I don't know.

Yes, No, Maybe

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord. 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.'" -Jeremiah 29:11

Everyone has a plan. Some live and breath by it, others simply let it come and go as it will. Some have dreams that, if not fulfilled, can lead a person to despair. Some have wants, or desires that they wish more than anything can be fulfilled with one certain factor. Some have passions that they will give anything to pursue. Some simply feel led to something by God that they can't explain, it just kind of happens. Those to me are the most exciting, simply because things start happening when God totally takes control. Those things turn into your passions, your desires, and you realize how much you can do for God by pursuing those unexplainable dreams.

But what happens when God changes His mind? Actually, does he even do this? You have an unexplainable desire to succeed at something you once thought impossible, or to pursue something that seems so far out of your grasp that it seems unreachable; you begin to lose hope that you really can approach such a challenge. Yet, something still drives you to it. Then just when it seems like your not getting anywhere, -your in a rut, a hole, crossing a hurdle- the thing becomes clear like water. You can see where it's going; you know that it's a God thing because there is no way on earth that it could happen without Him. This dream actually starts becoming reality, and for a short time, your not left dreaming, but living the dream; you don't have to wake up this time.

But then time starts grabbing hold of you and pulling you back to the world you once knew; the euphoria you were experiencing leaves, and your left wondering how on earth you got back to Oz. There's no ruby slippers to bring you home, and your completely lost and bewildered. Something happens that you just can't explain, and your left wondering what went wrong. What was God telling you to do? Were you listening to Him, or your own heart?

It is truly shocking how fast an amazing adventure can turn completely around. You think that your doing exactly what God want's you to be doing; that your following the right things, holding onto the right things, grasping the right ideas. Your living a life you only dreamed of. But then all of a sudden it stops. Your left in the storm and can only see the sunshine on the other side of the street, but there's a lot of darkness between you and that sun.

What the heck happened?

God seemed to be telling you to hold on, to go against all logic, and continue going for it. You did. Things started happening. And then stopped. The question still remains; was it God, or was it you? And when that thing stops, and your on your hands and knees begging God for some clarification, and the dream just stays there, is it because your not truly surrendering, or is it because God is still telling you to go against the odds and hope for whatever it is that you desire?

And if you truly are stuck in a storm, how do you hear His voice through all the thunder and rain?

Maybe we're not meant to. Because God has a plan, maybe we're meant to be left in the dark in order to keep searching for the Light. Ultimately, this can only be resolved through trusting Him, right? Maybe we've been focusing too much on the outcomes, and not the journey. (I know I've said that before, but it's still just as true.) And even though it hurts beyond belief when that dream does come to an end (or what seems like the end, anyway), the only hope that can be found is that God's plan will only be a benefit to us...it will not hinder us or hurt us....it will only help us grow, prosper, and quite possibly, have a better outcome than we could have originally imagined.

But how do we find God's answers???

Surrender

I'm giving You my heart, and all that is within. I lay it all down, for he sake of You my King. I'm giving You my dreams, I'm laying down my rights. I'm giving up my pride, for the promise of new life. And I surrender all to You, all...to You.

Surrender. Webster defines it as "the giving up of oneself or a possession to another." When I hear the word "surrender", I automatically think of those war movies where they fly the white flag of retreat. Think about it; at the end of The Patriot, the English general, Cornwallis, surreners to the French. At the end of Pearl Harbor, the Japanese finally surrender to the Americans. Surrender-to give up oneself....to give up hope.

But wait; aren't we supposed to surrender everything to God? And doesn't hope come from God? So how could surrendering mean giving up all hope?

It doesn't.

Shawn McDonald sings "I have tasted a love so wide, that it stops all my time. And I have tasted a love so deep, that it blows my mind." Don't we all crave this, something that will capture our hearts and make time seem to stand still? With the hustle and bustle of life, we seem to lose touch with peace. Webster defines peace as "[a] state of calm and quiet." I have to disagree. That's contentment, which is about a step short of peace.

Someone once described peace to me as "...the world seems right. You know your decisions are right, but only because you know that God is in it. It's a God-given contentment." You know God is in it because you surrender it to God. In Psalm 34:4, David writes "I prayed to the LORD, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears." Isn't David saying that he surrendered to God? By surrendering, you give him complete control. You stop grabbing the pen from the Author to try to write your own story. You give him the blank sheet and pen, and you let Him write your epic tale. Does this mean that your going to pray one night, and *Poof* the very next morning you have all the answers.

Right, as if life were that simple.

No, you may not receive the answers right away; in fact, you may not even get a clear path to where you want to go. But you are giving God the situation and trusting him with what He knows will ultimately benefit you in the end. It's scary yes, but in the end, it's worth it. My gosh, is it worth it!

And I surrender all to you, all...to You.

Life is Strange!

(Yes I did already publish this one, but I'm doing it again...and adding to it)

Life is so strange sometimes! It's like, just when life is starting to feel comfortable and manageable, God throws in a surprise jsut to say "Wait a minute, your not relying on me. Your becoming too comfortable. Stop relying on yourself and let me take hold of your life." The ironic thing is that these surprises, these curveballs in life are not meant to harm us (although a lot of the time, we definitely aren't comfortable with them), but only to help us....to be used to help us grow; to help us learn to give everything over to God. One of my favorite quotes is from the movie "Extreme Days." The movie is basically about these four guys that grow up, and plan their lives with no room for interuptions. When one of the guys' grandfather dies, the boys take off on a roadtrip to claim the inheritance, and all come back with a lesson learned. At the end of the movie, the main character, Will, says "When God throws you a curveball, don't duck; you might just miss something." We may not be able to choose when the curveball comes, but we can choose when to stop ducking and hit it head on.

So do you think that maybe these curveballs that God gives us (or roadbumps, barriers, dips, ruts, etc) may be telling us to focus on what is right in front of us at the time? Maybe we're becoming to "independent"...maybe we're trying to control a situation that ultimately God can only control. I heard something the other day that said, "In our determination to find what was lost we have ultimately gotten lost along the way." Basically, by focusing on the answers to the questions, we have forgotten what the question really was. So maybe these curveballs really aren't curveballs, but helpful hands guiding us to the real path.

The Calling.

I'm told that we all have a calling that we're supposed to pursue. We all have something that we're supposed to be heading towards, something that God has set aside for us. For some people, it's something incredible that people can look at and go "Wow! I always knew you'd be good at that!" For some, it's more subtle and less common, but can still be seen as an extreme calling from God. But what do you call a "calling" that is something everyone is eventually called to? What if that is your passion, your dream? Should you even call it a dream or calling when it's something so...common and usual that, it's going to happen eventually, so why head for it now? Why want it with everything in you when it's just going to take a little time to get where you need to be?

And if you feel like that is your calling, what do you do in the meantime? Do you find other things that, since everyone else is doing them and has told you that you need to be doing it too, those seem like the things to go for? What about that passion you have. What do you do with it while your beginning your life the "right" way? And why do you have to go with what society says? Ever since we were kids, everyone has always said "Don't conform to what everyone else thinks, do things your own way." But yet we still conform. We still do what society thinks we should, and not necessarily what we think we should. But where do we find all the "calling" in all the social requirements?

Looking Back, Moving Forward

Dwelling on the past is what brings us down. We all have events that we think "If I could just go back and change that one little thing, life would be oh so much better." These can be decisions that we ourselves have made, things we decided against, or even things that were out of our control. But why do we dwell on them? I'm sure some of them hurt really bad. I know for me, that's usually the case. But why dwell on it with the wishful thinking of "Why can't I just change it?" Why do we long to change something that can now be called history? it's in the past, we need to move on.

Looking back often on the unchangable is what hinders us from moving forward, from turning the pages, and we almost get into a tug-of-war with God over who gets to hold the pen that writes our story. Moving forward involves giving up the past, good or bad, and letting God take the pen and write the Story of our lives. How many things, compared to the past, do we have to look forward to in the future? In my opinion the possibilities are endless. How many good things in the future can possibly outweigh the pain of the past? Once again, endless possibilities. But these things only happen when God has the pen, not us. so why not give up what has already happened, be excited for what is happening and move forward with wonder at what is going to happen?