You Can't Have Your Cake and Eat it Too

Disclaimer: I can't sleep tonight, and haven't for a few, because all this has been on my mind. This is something I haven't shared with anyone, but now since I'm sharing it with everyone, I'm laying out the last five years in a lot of detail. This is a LONG blog, so if you're not up for it, I totally understand. But if you are, be warned: I rant a lot. And over-explain. A lot. So if you are bothered by either of those, just remember that I warned you in advance. :-)

The last few weeks, I've been going through some self turmoil. I haven't really shared it with anyone, because I know what everyone is going to say. However, it is a feeling I have deep in my heart that I feel, and fear, is an accurate truth that, if it is, I'm going to have to fight with everything in me to accept and deal with in a Christ-like manner and accept that God's dream for me is larger than my dream for me. Let me start from the beginning.

 Over the last few years, I've experienced several "Life Interruptions," as my pastor so wisely calls them. From breakups to financial issues, to career changes to loss of friendships and family. Since the day I graduated high school it seems, I've made all the "wrong" choices and failed at all my attempted ventures. I've changed majors five times (in five years...at a community college), changed my mind about what I want to do, and repeatedly changed who I am as a person. Only a handful of times can I look back and go "That was a semi-decent decision." Most of the time, I realize it was the worst one I could have made.

Over the course of my life, I've been throughly, truthfully, and amiably EXCITED for, as far as I can tell, three things: the prospect of getting married, having children, and doing something with volcanoes/rocks (geology). At all points of my life, one or all of these "dreams" (fantasies?) have been present in some way. I've always wanted to be a wife, no doubt about it. The thought of sharing my life with one person and one person only is a thought that I've never considered bad or dull. I've wanted this since childhood. Along with that, I've always wanted children. Not so much when I was little, but mainly after about 16 the thought started sounding appealing to me, and by age 19, I had full blown baby-fever....which has never gone away. I've always enjoyed kids, and have always looked forward to having my own. Not even just the idea of having kids, but the whole experience of being pregnant, having the kids, raising them, seeing them grow up....it's something I've imagined on a daily basis for some time now. I think it stems back to how much my mom loved me, and I want to pass that on to a child of my own.

But on the side, I've always dreamed of working with volcanoes. I read my first book about Mount St. Helens when I was eight years old, and I was hooked. My mom and I would go to the library every three weeks, and I would max out my limit with all the books about volcanoes and earthquakes that I could, and actually did read them all. I don't remember a lot of them, but I remember the passion growing. Over the years, I always assumed I wasn't smart enough to study volcanology; I was good in math, but not that good; I was good in science, but could never hope to get that far in science. I was never pushed, never encouraged, and never told that if that's what I wanted to do, I could find a way to do it. So when I entered high school, I chose to study what I needed to to be a teacher and stuck with that most of the way through. Volcanoes always stayed in the back of my mind, and I monitored volcanic activity around the world on my own time, but studying volcanology wasn't even on the table.

When I graduated high school, I did the most idiotic thing anyone can do; I stayed in the horrible town I grew up in for a guy. A man who promised me the world, and ended up breaking my heart. Typical. But before the heartbreak, I experienced other changes. I started at COS (our community college) as a business major, hoping to learn the ins and outs of business so I could assist in building a church with this person. As the year went on, I started noticing my love for sewing. So I changed majors, and started taking clothing design classes. Although I liked all that, I realized that I didn't necessarily want to go into clothing design (as this would take me away from said promised life I was supposed to have with said person), I chose to pursue a theatre arts degree with a concentration in costume design.....which is what I was encouraged to do, to help said hypothetical church we were going to start, with said person. He encouraged me in all of this so we could have this imaginary life we were working on. Well, then the inevitable happened, and he moved on and now has that life with someone else. I was left with a broken heart, a "dream" that I didn't even realize wasn't mine, and a sewing machine I could even sit at without breaking down. I was in shambles, with the only guarantee in my life being that I worked for Starbucks, and was damn good at my job, good enough that even after only six months, I was being considered for a supervisor position. I started considering what I wanted to do again, and actually looked into volcanology even then. Having been in such a serious relationship that I was literally planning my wedding and thinking about life umpteen years in the future, I was feeling very old at the time, and the prospect of being at COS for another three years just to finish math, science and my general ed was not something I wanted to do. In my mind, I didn't have enough time to do that in my lifetime. I had missed my chance, and could never hope to achieve that. Not to mention that with all the shit going on in my life at the time, my self worth was at an all time low, and I didn't think I was intelligent enough to do anything short of walking, and knew that I would just fail all those classes anyway, so why bother, right? So I stuck to Starbucks and the knowledge that I would soon be in a leadership position.

Well, that was the year the economy failed, miserably, and Starbucks suffered a hiring/promotion freeze. We shut down over 1,000 stores that year, and thousands of people lost their jobs. No promotion there! But I thought that was what I wanted, and I decided that since I was good at what I did, I might as well go as far as I could. So I changed my major to communication so I could better understand customer service and relations.

This was the first good decision I had made since high school, and one of the few I don't regret.

Last summer, I finally moved up in the company, and the company moved down on my list of things I wanted to accomplish. Please don't get me wrong; I love the company I work for. As a "bottom of the food chain" citizen in the workforce, I am treated (by my company, NOT the public) very well and they take very good care of me. BUT I quickly realized that it was not what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.

This last October, I was facing a very serious problem; I knew already that Starbucks was not what I wanted to do for the next forty years. But I had gotten so comfortable and so confident in that decision that if not Starbucks, than....what? Communication was what I was good at. Customer service was what I was good at. But I was longing for something more, something that I could test myself with and achieve something difficult. I started praying and seriously thinking about what I wanted. I knew in my heart that I am someone who in always eager to learn. I'm curious about everything, and I wanted to learn as much as I could, whether it be science, math, astronomy, art, language, etc. But what was I good at? Well, I knew that I had never had less than an A in a science or math class, and I wasn't very good in many other things. (When I say good, I mean I wasn't the best....this tends to be my mindset.) Then it hit me like a punch in the face. What about volcanology? I've always loved it, always been fascinated in it, and always wanted to do it. Why the hell not? So I started looking into it, and decided once again that I was too old that that ship had set sail way too long ago. It wasn't until I was visiting Santa Cruz with my friend that I realized I could do this. She had a couple of friends that were (ironically enough) geology majors, that were both older than I was when they started at UCSC, and were going to be graduating that year. I realized, if they can do it, why can't I?

As soon as we got home, I signed up for trigonometry, which was the first of many pre-req's I'd need to take to do this thing.

I've told several people this, and it remains true now: I've never in my life been more excited about the career choice I've finally made. I can't wait to get to even just next semester when I get to take chemistry, precalculus and geology. If my mind isn't constantly being challenged, I feel like its dying a little, so the anticipation for learning these things I'm actually interested in is crazy. I CAN'T WAIT!! It's like I finally feel like I'm doing what I was meant to do from the beginning.

This was the second decision I've made since high school that wasn't wrong, and that I haven't regretted once.

But, in researching and realizing the reality of what it is I'm about to embark on, I started realizing other things too. And this is where people tell me I'm insane, but I truthfully don't think I am.

In pursuing geology, I'm accepting that I may have to give up those other two things I've dreamed about my whole life; marriage and children. Volcanology is not exactly a "have a career and still have dinner on the table by six" thing. It involves traveling all over the world, doing dangerous things, and coming home when either a) the volcano is done erupting or b) the volcano decides not to erupt. It involves lots of time away from home, husband and kids. Most volcanologists, for this reason, either marry within the career or don't marry at all. I started thinking about just teaching geology. Teaching has always been something I've been good at. But....I'm not sure that would be enough for me.

This is where assumptions take hold of my thought process; I've always dreamed of wanting to be a mom. But, men aren't interested in women who want to be moms. Men want women who are independent enough to do their own thing, but dependent enough to be a wife. If that woman just happens to want to be a mom too, cool! If not, I don't really think men care that much. So a career is a must. Okay, well, I have a potential career at Starbucks....but lets be real. What man wants a woman who has a career at Starbucks, who isn't a co-dependent man. And what does that say about me? That I was willing to settle for pulling shots, steaming milk and blending diabetes inducing beverages...just so I can get married and have kids? What type of message would that send to my children, that their mom gave up what she wanted to do just so she could have them? I would never be able to convince them that they are good enough for their dreams.

The reality is this; these three very core dreams have been in my life as long as I can remember. I can't remember a time when they weren't. But the harsh reality is that I can't have my cake and eat it too. Of the three desires of my heart, the things I want the most, I'm going to have to give up something to have another. The world we live in doesn't allow for "moms" to be a career (and that's not even saying I want to have that as my only thing) anymore. And I think I've found what I have to do to have life "fulfillment." It breaks my heart to accept that I may indeed have to give up a happily ever after in order to do what I want to do. But it has become a reality I have to face.

I guess the next step is dealing with the reality the right way....which I'm not known for.

Learning to Fly

I read an article recently about one of the coolest wildlife discoveries I think I've ever heard of. It's about the wildlife of Antarctica, and their survival techniques. Most of the living creatures in Antarctica are microscopic creatures that survive using cool tricks only God could think of. Anyway, one of the creatures is a nemotode worm. In Antarctica, which is already the coldest place on Earth, the winters are severely cold and dry, which are not good conditions for even these native Arctic creatures to live. So what they do is expel all the water out of themselves ("essentially freeze-drying themselves" as the article says) for the winter, and just float around kind of in a comatose state until the winter leaves and they are able to come to moisture again. Once the moisture returns to the air, they soak up the water like a sponge and basically revive themselves again. Uh, that's kind of incredible and awesome. (If your a nerd like me and want to read the article, it's:http://www.ouramazingplanet.com/2177-weird-wildlife-real-animals-antarctica-penguins.html)

Now, in times like right now, that's kind of how I feel; like there really isn't anything going on right now, and I'm just floating along. I've done absolutely nothing with my educational career, I've changed my major, oh, six times? Seven? Now I finally found something that I've wanted to do my whole life, I just figured it out too late and it's taking baby steps to get there.

My high school had its graduation the other night. It made me realize that I've been out of high school for five years...and done absolutely NOTHING with my life. I changed jobs and was saved from making the biggest mistake of my life....but for four years now, I've been doing the exact same thing: working at Starbucks, taking classes, figuring out what to do next. I've wasted the equivalent of what a high school or (normal) college student spends doing what they're supposed to be doing....and the whole time I've been sitting on my ass doing...NOTHING. And it all leads back to that one single, stupid decision I made when I graduated: Not to take out student loans, go to COS and all that other crap that went on. I "followed my heart" and "went after my dreams" and where did it get me? Living on my own, working at Starbucks, taking yet even more classes at COS and not even going to a real school. I was talking to someone about my class I just finished, and they made the comment that it didn't even sound like a real accredited college course. Well, of course not. It's COS. It's as though I've spent the last ten years in high school.

 When they asked us in our senior year where we saw ourselves in five years, I said married with a college degree living down in LA. Um.....not one of those things is even close to being accurate, obviously. I feel like one of those worms in the arctic; just floating along, waiting for the winter to be over and to be able to feel alive again. But it seriously feels like this winter of my life is never going to end. I've been waiting for God's plan...for five years. This can't seriously be all there is, right?