A lot of the times when I write on here, I rant...or ask advice....or just share what is going on right now. This time, I'm just sharing. Because this is a very odd time of life for me. But the first time, I think maybe ever, that I actually am at peace with what is going on.
A dream I've always had is to graduate college. For most people, this is just another step in life. For me, it's a dream. Because no one else in my family ever has. And I want to. I thrive on education; I love learning; I enjoy being independent, and possibly having a career in something that I've loved since childhood. And I've fought for this dream. It's something that I've pursued over, and over, and over again.
Surprisingly only to have every door shut. It seems that every time I have come close to going, whether its transferring from COS, or even right after high school when all my ducks were in a row...it still didn't work out. And it's been several times now. I'm beginning to wonder if God has something else planned for me; if, for whatever reason, I'm not supposed to finish school (or maybe not right now) and I'm supposed to do other things right now instead.
But if not school, then....what? All I've known for four years is Starbucks, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that I definitely don't want to stay there for the rest of my life. But that's all I know. It's all (except for school) that I've ever really been good at. So if not school, then what? I think the determining factor will come this next six months; the time has come to apply to the CSU system again. If I don't get in, I'll know it's certainly not coincidence. It's God. I guess that's where the next step comes in; figuring out what I AM supposed to be doing.
The odd thing about all this is that, normally, I would be heartbroken that this may not work out. I've planned on this for years. And wanted it for years. And for the first time since high school.....I feel at peace with the possibility of NOT going to school. The reality is that it could happen; I might not get in.
I've seen God work in some pretty awesome ways this year. And I'm quite excited to see how he moves more. I've seen how being obedient to His wishes brings amazing things. I just hope that when the time comes, I can be obedient too.
And I'm actually excited about this next chapter, however mysterious it may be.
