Acting is a passion. It's a lifestyle. It's a dream. It's a vision. It's life.
In my intro to theatre class, James, my teacher, keeps talking to us about how we all have roles. We have personal roles, we have social roles, and then we have acting roles. The only difference between life and the stage is that we are observed. It's funny, because it's not until you really analyze a statement like that that you begin to realize some people just act through life.
I realized tonight that I feel like I've been acting most of the last two years. During my senior year of high school, all I wanted was to succeed academically, graduate, and leave. I didn't care what people thought, I didn't care about impressing, I didn't even care about fitting in anymore. I was just done. I felt like I was more mature than the average high school senior, and I just wanted desperately to get away from the drama and the game that high school really is.
As soon as I graduated though, and due to some extenuating circumstances, I began to bend over backwards just to make people happy. "You should do this", "You should act like this", "You shouldn't say that anymore", "Women aren't meant to wear something like that." Those were common phrases I heard from people, and they were out of love, or at least acted love, I have no doubt. But instead of staying me, I tried to become what they wanted me to be.
One of my co-workers came in with a pair of Converse shoes. I remember always wanting to get a pair of Converse! Someone once told me they were unattractive though, and that was the end of that idea. I think that's what made me want to be me again. I haven't been me in a long time. I miss the me I was in high school. The fun loving, don't give a crap what people think me. That was even something one of my best friends had to tell me at Elevate the other night. She actually had to tell me to shut up, (and was super serious) and told me exactly what I needed to hear. (Thank you, by the way!)
So acting.... I think it's definitely true that we all put on façades of some sort. We all act in one realm of life or another. Some of us have jobs that we are required to act perfectly polite to our customers, in which, if we're having a horrible day, we can't let it show. Some of us simply act because we don't know how to be vulnerable. We'd rather heed Scarlet O'hara's words from Gone With The Wind "Whether I have to lie, cheat, steal, or kill...I will never go hungry." I knew somebody once that was absolutely amazing at what they did, and everyone thought that they were just the most wonderful person ever. They thought it was just sheer talent and brilliance that made this person sparkle. They were truly dazzling...until you really got to know them. Once you got to know them, you realized that what made them sparkle were simply lines given by other brilliant people that they used for their own doing...and took credit for it. They were simply acting, and never truly meant anything they ever said. One of my favorite things this person ever did, I found out later was given to them from another person...yet they would never admit to it.
I was looking through my Bible at small group on Monday night, and found a quote I had written down from sermon I heard once: "Wake up and live the day like its an encore." I have to look at it this way sometimes. God created this amazing universe for us to live in, and really, has a role as Christ-followers for all of us to jump into....so why shouldn't we look at it this way anymore? It's actually a pretty cool way to look at it. Whoever came up with that idea was right on track.
I don't want to fake-act anymore. I want to be truly genuine. I want to be truly authentic. I want to live life to the fullest, which can only be done through sincerity, honesty, vulnerability, faith, hope, and grace. I want to love Jesus with all my heart, and give Him my heart again.
It's crazy, because God is doing some amazing things right now. I think it's because I'm not unknowingly acting. I finally feel 100% content in what I'm majoring in, I'm involved in a church/movement that I feel like I actually am called to, and I love my job, even if some will look down on it. For two or three years, I've wanted nothing more than to get as far away from Visalia as possible. Now, I feel so content to stay here. I'm honestly not even in a hurry to leave COS (HUGE shocker there) and although I'm not moving away, I'm moving out, with a room mate who I know will kick my butt back into gear if I ever get of my path. I'm so thankful to God that I can be me again. I can do what I want to do, and not have to feel like I only have to make other people happy anymore. I love it! And it's all because I don't have to just act anymore. Now, I can concentrate on the stage that God has laid before me, and I'm prepared to say whatever daring lines He gives me.
