Things Fall Apart

In my senior year of high school, I had to read a book called "Things Fall Apart" in my AP Lit class. The book was about a guy named Okonkwo in a village in Africa whose world crumbles around him in a matter of a few weeks. He had it all going for him; he was a village elder, had three wives, a son who was blessed by the oracle and plenty of land to farm on. And then the English come to colonize. He goes nuts, accidentally kills the son of a fellow tribesman, his son leaves the religion of his people and becomes a Christian, Okonkwo and his wives are banished for 7 years because of his crime, and he eventually kills murders the English missionaries and then kills himself.

It's ironic. That class, I can say without a shadow of a doubt in my mind, was the best class I've ever taken, and do believe ever will take. It stretched my mind beyond even what I thought I could think, and made me think abstractly and completely out of the box. But in the second semester, it seemed that every book we read lined up with what was going on in my life at the time. When we started the semester, we started this book. At the beginning of that semester, I wouldn't have changed a thing about my life. It was going perfect. By the time Okonkwo's world was falling apart, mine started to too. All the preconceived notions I had of how my senior year should look like were quickly becoming wisps of dreams, thrown to the wind, left unattended and soon forgotten. We read Hamlet, which is the story of a tortured man eager to change the world around him. I could relate very well with Hamlet. We read poems and short stories, all of which seemed to seriously align with where my life was. But the one I definitely remember the most was the story of Okonwo.

I feel like that now. Obviously not on the same extreme levels that Okonkwo was feeling, but it always seems that just when things are finally starting to work out, my whole world falls apart and I'm left at square one, at the bottom of the pit, and I can't find a way out.

I've been told for the last seven or eight years that I showed signs of depression, which I never believed, or, never wanted to. I finally went into a counseling session to find out if I do or not. I've officially been diagnosed with mild to moderate depression, which in itself is depressing. I don't know why I feel like this sucks so much. I guess it's just one of those things that seems like I always thought I could overcome it myself. But I can't. I've never wanted to be one of those people who had to go talk to someone else about the crap in their life. I've always dealt with it myself. But I guess you can only yell at someone for no apparent reason other than just to yell so many times before it becomes obvious there is a problem.

I didn't get the internship I've dreamed about to get me into a position at Starbucks Corporate in my dream city; I didn't get into Fresno State; I can't even afford Fresno State; I'm living at home....again.....for now, a year longer than I expected to; I'm worried about the people I care about the most; my dad is hanging onto yet another job he works his ass off for, and his bosses are completely undeserving and ungrateful for him; I've already lost one parent, I'm terrified of what will happen if I lose my dad; my mom only lived to 48, what if I do too? My list can go on. Yes, I work at Starbucks. Yes, my mistakes have led to a few positive things. Yes, I'm getting at least something to prove I went to COS. Yes, I can save up, move out and get to college. Yes, I'm only 22 and still have my whole life ahead of me. But whats the point? Whats the point if, in an instant, everything, literally everything can fall apart in the blink of an eye? Why do I keep trying and keep applying and keep hoping for things that I know without any doubt in my mind will just disappoint me in the long run, or even short run?

I've had three dreams in my life: to be a wife and mother, finish college with at least my BA, and live in Seattle. None of those are even near coming true. None of those are even in my grasp anymore. None of those seem to even be a factor in my life, as none of them are unattainable. I can't help but literally give up hoping anymore. Every time I've ever hoped for anything, it's ended up hurting me more than making me happy. I can honestly say without any doubt that the only exception to this was when I got my job at Starbucks. But even there..... I was training to become a shift supervisor, literally running shifts and learning what I needed to know....and then my world fell apart...and I handled it wrong. Then, by the time I was actually ready to promote again, my manager got fired. Then, our co-manager started training me, giving me resources and tools, and coaching me and actually set up an interview for me. Our District Manager flaked, and I didn't get my interview, and then we got our new manager. I love her to death, but I'll never promote under her. She's not interested in training anyone new. She wants to hire people who have already been trained. Which I get. But it just means that I have no hope of getting anywhere near where I want to be as long as I'm still living in Visalia.

Yeah, its a rant. But that's all I can do anymore. All that deep thinking and analytical breakdown I used to be able to do is gone. All that seems to be left are my survival skills, and sometimes I even wonder about those. Surviving doesn't even seem to be enough anymore.

Have you ever been on a mountain trail, high up and far away from anyone, lost without a map?

Welcome to my life.

Failing, Failing, Failing.

A couple of months ago, I got really excited about something. I found out that an oportunity for Starbucks partners was opening in Seattle, the chance I've been waiting for for 10 years. It was an internship in Seattle, the city I've wanted to live in since I was 12, at the company I've wanted to work for, and have the pleasure of working for. I'm passionate about my company, dedicated to its success, and would do anything I could to see it flourish. But I also saw this internship as an opportunity for personal gain. The opportunity to make connections in Seattle, so that when the time hopefully came, I could move up there and become a part of the bigger picture. With everything that has been going on, this was like my one last silver lining in a huge sky full of dark clouds. This was my last shred of hope. This is what that hope had to say to me:

"We appreciate your interest in exploring new career opportunities within Starbucks. We have reviewed your resume for the intern, Global Design - Seattle, WA position and have decided not to move forward with your candidacy at this time."

Another dream, another failure. They say that when you fall, your supposed to just get back up and try again. How many freaking times do I have to do this???? Seriously! I'm so done trying and failing every single time I try at ANYTHING.

About four years ago, I wrote a blog about being at the bottom of the valley (http://elisabethdoss.blogspot.com/2007/03/very-long-rocky-narrow-road.html), but finding some way to fall even further. How far is deep enough? Isn't it high time for me to find some way out of this awful valley I find myself in?

It's funny looking at the highly optimistic views I had on life back then. Life couldn't have been worse for me, or so I thought. I was in sheer and utter limbo, not knowing which college to pick or who to go to prom with. If I could go back , knowing what I know four years later, I would slap that stupid, silly, naive girl and tell her to grow up. She had no idea what life was like, and if she did, she would have spent a lot less time dreaming and being optimistic, and a lot more time working so she could have gotten somewhere. She would have accepted the snake for what it was, and gone on with her life. She wouldn't have been a weak princess needing rescuing. She would have been a princess worth rescuing. She had rose colored glasses on. In reality, she didn't need to be rescued; she needed to be left to the world so she could realize what life was really like, and get by on her own, as life meant her to.

I know I can't change the past. I know I can't change that. But I know what I can change. It's obvious and apparent that I'm meant for the ordinary. I'm not willing to accept that, but I know that the more I try, the more I fail. I've failed at everything I've ever set out to do. I'm not going anywhere, I'm not doing anything. And the more I try, the more I fail. I can't get back up anymore and speed on ahead. I'm done. I'm over it. Now, I just need to learn how to live with it.

Everyone keeps saying that God just has some huge, marvelous and amazing plan for me through all this. I used to believe that. But I just can't anymore. I've heard God speak to me, had counsel from other mature Christians on what I should do, and followed their advice. And obviously somewhere in there, someone was wrong because it bit me in the butt. I can't believe that God has a plan that will blow my mind, because if we're all here for his glory and honor, shouldn't just being here be enough? Shouldn't just living and breathing be enough to keep him satisfied? Well, yeah. Honoring God, doing the right things should be enough. So it's wrong to say that God has some huge, elaborate plan for each of us. That's bull crap. He has huge plans for some people, but not everyone. I'm tired of people using the excuse of "God has a reason..." to hide behind so they don't have to admit that they are hurting. Yeah, God has a plan, but your also pissed, hurt and sad that your plans didn't work out, right? Then stop hiding and admit it!

Failure happens. Everyday. Some of us just happen to live a life of failure. Those who find nothing but success, I'm happy for you. I'm excited for you. You got your crap together and figured it out.

But some of us will never know anything but failure.

If I could turn dreams off, I would do it.

If I could pretend that all this doesn't hurt like hell, I would.

If I could lean on God any more than I have in the past or am right now, I would.

If I could succeed, I would.

But all that is futile.