Let Go and Let God

If you read my last blog, you probably noticed it was riddled with sarcasm, pessimism and frustration. Yes, it was indeed. However, through the prayer and support of friends over the last couple of weeks, all that anger and resentment has turned into a positive new outlook on life. I'm still hurt by the events that led up to me proclaiming such things, and still believe what I wrote to an extent. But...there is so much more to it than that.

Over the last few months, I've felt incredibly convicted to serve either at my church, or by volunteering, or by doing mission work. Each time it is brought up in church or Bible study or even just conversation, I feel incredibly convicted. I've always enjoyed serving, but haven't been actively involved in service in a long time. A couple of weeks ago, I found out our church was doing a mission trip down to Mexico. My friend Lacey told me about it, and since I hadn't been at church in weeks due to work, I hadn't heard anything about it at all really. I started praying about it that night, and the next day at work, I really started thinking about it. I even mentioned it to a co-worker, and she encouraged me to pray about it and really listen to what God was saying. It's funny...Even while doing my job, I started not necessarily arguing with God, but coming up with all the reasons in my head why I couldn't go on this trip. And God started counteracting what I was saying. I shouldn't go because I'm going to Colorado and on vacation next month. You don't need to spend as much money as you think. I don't know if I can take another week off of work or if my boss will let me. All you can do is ask. I really need to start saving my money. Be a better steward with your money between now and then. I don't have the vacation hours to cover yet another week of missing work. God will provide. When I realized (or heard?) that God will provide, I knew I ran out of excuses and that I really had no excuse not to go. It's funny how God works.

So since then I've been thinking a lot about serving. We actually just talked about it at Bible study this last week, and all made commitments on how we will begin to serve. I'm excited about it. And I came to realized just how much I have truly missed serving, both inside and outside the church.

Back when I first graduated high school and was headed toward marriage and all other things, I remember that that was truly the most exciting time of my life. But not because I was dating this seemingly awesome guy that I was going to marry, or because I was going to be a wife/mom/college graduate. No, I was excited because I was literally going to live my life serving in the church. I was going to be a pastors wife, and build a church and see it grow and work hard to do service for God. And I forgot how exciting that was. When I go on this trip to Mexico, I really do hope I remember how excited I was to serve, and I'm excited to see what God tells me to do with that excitement.

I feel like I've finally learned how to "Let go and let God." I've put all my plans, all my dreams and hopes to rest. As of this moment, I realize that a) God has closed indefinitely the door to finishing college and b) I currently have no desire to get married, either anytime soon or ever for that matter. It's almost comical to me simply because I've spent so much time trying to achieve these things, when the whole time God just might have been saying "no."

When I was a senior in high school, I was doing everything they told me to do to get scholarships, financial aid and graduate college. I had a 4.08 GPA, held officer positions in ASB, Choir and Link Crew, and was actively involved in Drama and a couple of other clubs, I had outstanding letters of recommendation, and was involved in multiple church service projects. Everyone I ever talked to said there was absolutely no explainable reason why I got ZERO financial aid and ZERO scholarships. I find this funny because they only explainable thing I can think of was that God had already closed that door back then, but I didn't realize it and it didn't make sense to me why God would close that door. At that time in my life, I thought I was the closest to God that I could get. But oh how wrong I was! I had surrendered my hopes and dreams to God...but it was more of a conditional surrender. In my mind, If I dedicate my life to God and worship and pray more and study him more, he'll bless these things for me. In reality, it should have been, If I surrender these things completely to God, he'll give me the true desires of my heart and lead me on the path He wants me on. 

In my life now, I've surrendered those things to him for the first time, ever really. I'm at a point in my life where my dreams I've fought him so hard to keep are gone and I'm left with the knowledge that God is ultimately and completely in control. I don't have plans. I know that I'm being considered for promotion at work. I know I'm currently paying off a trip to Ireland that I've wanted to go on since I was a little girl. But as far as where my life is actually headed, I have no idea. And no plan as of right now. I'm letting go, and letting God. And I feel fantastic about it.