I'm not writing this so you'll feel bad for me, or so I seem like I need encouragement or anything else. I'm simply writing this to share what has been going on, so I can stop being fake with everyone in my life just so I don't seem like the "Debbie-downer of the group," and so hopefully you can understand a little more about where I'm at right now....because even when I tell my closest friends what I'm going through, they downplay it and try to "convince" me that that's not what I'm actually dealing with, but I just need to "trust God" and "listen to what He says." Yeah, I get that. It doesn't change the fact that I know what I'm feeling.
For about the past ten weeks or so, since about mid-August/beginning of September, I've been battling with depression. It's gotten more and more severe since it started (minimally) during the summer, but it's just been getting worse and worse. As I shared a few weeks back, I felt as though I wasn't really supposed to be going to school for right now. Well, I tried to take a class anyway, and God once again shut that door in my face, thus solidifying my already growing feelings that I wasn't supposed to. Since then, I can't seem to pick myself back up. Immediately following that major disappointment, I was faced with another one, one that I knew would end in heart-ache, but I let myself be vulnerable again and it blew up in my face. Again. It feels like God just keeps putting these seemingly perfect situations in front of me, like my dreams are finally reachable....and then suddenly they become so unattainable that I feel like the biggest idiot in the world for even believing I could attain them.
Depression is something that I've dealt with before, but my coping method has always been to just make myself busy and not think about it. Unhealthy? Yes, but it works and I can keep my mind focused and concentrated. What's been the worst about this time is that I've shared it with a few people, and they've downplayed it. One person responded with "I don't think you're depressed, you're just melancholy." Another person said "What you need is to go out, have fun, and not worry about it. It'll all just work itself out." Yet another simply nodded, and said "Well, God has a plan for you. You just need to trust him. He'll show you what you need." Well yes, that is true, I don't doubt that at all, but just because it's true doesn't mean that I'm going to feel better by someone telling me that.
When I'm depressed, I tend to just numb my emotions. I have this wonderful knack of just being able to turn them off at will. Do I become a cold-hearted bitch? Yep! But if it means protecting myself from a full-fledged breakdown, then I'm willing to do that. Well, that lasted about a month, and one night I couldn't contain it anymore and finally had the breakdown I had been avoiding. It lasted about two hours. I pulled myself together, went to bed, woke up the next morning and did what I do everyday: work and put on my happy face.
I was able to stand actually dealing with the emotions I had accidentally let loose, but eventually I was able to feel numb again, and was coping only in my own solitude.
That was until three weeks ago. I was at work and my dad called me to tell me they would be putting my grandfather on hospice care the next day. I broke down at work, left early, and rushed to be with family. Somehow this all seemed right. Now, let me clear this up a little bit. This grandfather and I were NEVER close. The fondest memory I have of him was sitting on my grandparents lawn with him and my grandmother when I was about nine or ten, and watching the fireworks on 4th of July...and that memory more stays in my mind because they had two dogs, and my aunt was in town, which was always a special treat. But ten years ago, after my grandmother died, he acquired dementia, which, if you know anything about it, is one of the most devastating diseases to get, both for the victim and the family. After about five years, he was calling us all different names; by seven years, he was responding with two and three word sentences or gibberish, and by last Christmas he just kind of stared at all of us and didn't say a whole lot at all.
Now, ever since my mom died, I've never been a fan of hospitals. But I knew I had to see him, because I sensed he would only be here a few more days, and regardless of our lack of relationship, he was still my grandpa and I needed to see him. He said he recognized me, but he never said my name, so I don't actually know if he did or not. But he just stared at my for a solid three minutes until I couldn't handle it, and told him I loved him, but I had to go. He actually said "I love you" back. That was on Wednesday. On Saturday, I got the call that he had hours to live. I went to be with him and family, and witnessed yet another person take their final breath on this earth. It doesn't get any easier.
I don't really understand why his death is more troubling to me than most of the other deaths in my family I've experienced. It may be because I'm older, it might be because as an adult, death is so much more real. But since he died, and for the first time in my life, I find myself asking, what's the point?
**Now please, don't read what I have to say and try to "rescue" me and tell me that it'll all be okay, this is just part of life. I know more than most people that THIS is part of life. I lost my mom and both grandmothers in less than a year's time. I KNOW death. And don't take the morbidity of what I'm feeling to mean that I'm in anyway depressed enough to harm myself or others. I'm far more stable than that. But I can't help that I feel this way. I just do. **
Ever since he died, and especially his funeral, I've kind of just had a "what's the point?" attitude. And seriously, what's the point? We live this life, we go to school, we buy a house, we get married, we have kids, we have grandkids....all for what? So we can eventually just end up hurting all those people that we care about so much by....dying? All life is is heartache. We put ourselves out there, we get taken advantage of. We trust, we get lied to. We fall in love, we get our hearts broken. We love those around us, they simply let us down. We walk away, we never look back. So why? Why the hell are we here? We're put on this earth to glorify God, so does that mean that I just need to do a whole bunch of crap to make Him happy? Am I really supposed to give up hope in anything? Anymore I just feel like I'm a waste of space. I have a job that I work, at most, 40 hours a week at, go to church/study for a whole 4 hours max....and aside from that and the occasional get-together with friends, I sit in my apartment and do....nothing. I'll make a hat or two here and there for "Bundles of Hope" but aside from that, I'm living a very pointless, worthless life.
I'll ask again....this can't really be all there is, right?
