Unpredictability

I'm not a person who enjoys unpredictability. I never have, I never will. As a college student six months out of high school, who hated high school and all aspects of high school, I've realized that I miss the innocence of high school. Not to say that high school is innocent. Trust me, no one in high school can be considered "innocent" by any means, but the innocence of responsibility.

I've never been one to say that I like a safe environment. In fact, most everything that I believe goes against a safe environment. But high school is safe. The only responsibility you have is getting to class on time and keeping your grades suitable to satisfy mom and dad. You don't worry about managing work, plus getting your school done, plus doing enough to pay the bills, plus any other responsibilities of this "adult" world.

But at the same time, life is a mysterious adventure. God has created this life of unpredictability so we learn how to trust Him more. This is a life full of mystery, beauty, joy, pain, sorrow. Everything changes. There is a time for everything. We all have a destiny, a craving, a fulfillment. We're called not to live in the safety nets that society builds but in the uncivilized wonderlands that God creates for us. I don't know what tomorrow brings. I don't know where I'll be living or working or who I'll know in a year. But I do know one thing. If I pursue what God has placed on my heart, and follow the path He has placed me on, I don't need to know. I just need to become the woman God has created me to be. He's already shown me that by trusting Him, extraordinary things can happen. So perhaps this is true in all aspects of life. Wait, forget the "perhaps". The only way to find an answer is to find the unpredictable. In fact, unpredictability is the answer. I think that is God were standing beside me right now and I asked Him what my future had in store, His answer would be a shrug of the shoulders and the word "unpredictability".

Finding and Failings.

I've been in a nostalgic mood lately. I've been thinking about all my past experiences; my findings, my failings, my hopes, my dreams, my accomplishments. After looking back, I realized something. It's all led me here.

As far as accomplishments, I have accomplished some of the greatest things that some could never accomplish. There have been hardships that I may never completely overcome, hurts that I may never be able to fully forgive, and shattered dreams that I may never be able to look past. But I do know one thing. They have all made me stronger. Without them, I wouldn't be who I am today, be in the position I am today, or know the people I know now.

Some say I'm too hard on myself. Do I share in this? Of course not! I often think I'm not hard enough on myself. But I just figured something out; most of the things I think I've failed at, I haven't really failed at all. I simply haven't accomplished them yet. That's not to say that I haven't failed at all. Trust me, I've failed many times. Some things were irreversible, and some things nearly destroyed the future that I look so forward to now.

But there is a difference between failure and accomplishment. To accomplish doesn't always mean being the best at something, or being perfect at a task, or getting exactly what you hoped for. No, accomplishment means achievement. To fail means never accomplishing anything. For example, if I say that I have failed at being a daughter, does that mean I have failed and should just give up? No. It simply means that in some areas, I have failed at being the daughter I should be (or in some cases, how others or myself think I should be). But I can still accomplish being a good daughter. I just have to try harder. I didn't go off to a four year university straight out of high school. Does that mean that I have failed at accomplishing that dream? No. It simply means what I just said. I didn't go to a four year university right out of high school. End of story. Does that mean I never will? No. After COS, I plan to finish my degree, whether it takes four years, or five years, or ten years. I'm finishing college. Period.

All the things I listed above (Hopes, dreams, failings, accomplishments) tie in. Some of my dreams I know can not happen. Some of them simply aren't happening yet. And yes, in some areas, I have failed. But I hope to remember that every time I do not accomplish something that it does not mean I have failed. It simply means I must try again until it becomes undoubtedly unattainable.