The new year is fast approaching, and as I look back on 2013, the idea of what defines me has really been on my mind and heart lately. How am I defined? What do people first think when they meet me? What puts me in one social category and not another?
I've noticed that what typically defines a person is how they are introduced. Over the years I've been introduced in many ways: "This is Elisabeth, so-and-so's girlfriend" or "This is Liz, she works at Starbucks." Or better yet, "This is Liz." Having no "definition" is almost worse than not being introduced at all! But does that really give someone a good idea of who I really am?
When I look at my life and personally define myself, I could easily say "I'm Liz. I work at Bath and Body Works, I'm studying wedding/event design, and I attend TheChurch at Visalia. I'm a follower of Jesus Christ, I have a dad, step-mom and step-sister, and I live alone with two cats." But really, who am I? Those are all things I do, or am involved in, or take up the majority of my time. But is that really who I am?
What people think doesn't matter. But what people see does. When people meet me, I want them to immediately be able to tell that I'm a follower of Jesus Christ. I don't want them to have any shadow of a doubt that I'm on fire for God. I want to set an example for the people around me. And if I wear a mask around some people because I want to be defined as something different than what I really am, than I want to learn how to take that mask off and never hide behind it again.
I want to live up to being Liz (or Elisabeth if we're being formal), a follower of Jesus who loves God and loves people; who wants to serve in the church for the rest of her life; who wants nothing more than to be a good and faithful servant to a wonderful and gracious King.
That is how I hope to be defined this year.
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Friday, November 1, 2013
Snow
Snow isn't something I'm too familiar with. I was born in the dead of January, in Colorado. But within months of being born, my mom and dad decided to move to the Central Valley of California. But for as long as I can remember, my mom always missed the snow, and my dad would always talk about it. I grew up wishing for snow, but where we are, it happens about once every thirty years.
When I had just turned ten, I had had enough of hearing about snow. I wanted the real deal. Being a young child, I prayed with my mom and dad every night before bed. And you better believe, every night for what felt like months, but was probably only a couple of weeks, I diligently prayed for the thing I wanted most. Snow.
I don't want to throw my dad under the bus, but in this sense, it's really relevant to the story. One very specific night, I prayed my usual "And God, please make it snow here." And my dad quietly chuckled. I was super offended. He simply replied, "Sweetie, I understand how much you want it to snow, but it just doesn't happen around here. We don't get snow." I believe my reply was something along the lines of "Well, I asked God and God can make anything happen, even snow."
At about 5 am the next morning (January 25, 1999...I remember dates like nobodies business), I woke up to my dad looking out the window and laughing. I got up and looked outside. The ground was white. The cars were white. It was grey and there was something white falling from the sky.
God had made it snow.
I remember three specific things from this day. I remember setting out to make the biggest snowball I could; I remember my rottweiler sticking her head, face first, into the snow and running around completely blindly; and I remember the wonder of knowing that God really could do anything.
This memory came to me today, I don't know why, but maybe just because I've seen God do so many amazing things this last year. But I've never thought about the faith I had during this whole time. I had that pure, innocent, childlike faith that God could do anything, and that anything was possible through him. No one had to teach me that, I had just heard it my whole life and had no problem believing it.
So what changes in life? What makes us turn from that childhood awe of believing (with zero doubt) that God can make anything happen....to a person who has to believe that they believe in God's ability, and often doesn't recognize what God has really done? Now, I've learned that when God answers prayer, he answers it according to His will, not mine. He answers with what he knows is best for me, not what I think is best for me. But I'll be honest, half the time when I ask God for something or to do something, it's almost in passing, and not with real, fervent prayer. I don't doubt that he'll follow through...but do I believe it with my whole heart?
I wish I could answer yes all the time. But maybe because he has shown himself to be faithful so often in my life, I can start making a true effort to pray with purpose. To pray for what is best in my life, not what I want or think I need in my life.
God made it snow in the Central Valley. Anything can happen.
When I had just turned ten, I had had enough of hearing about snow. I wanted the real deal. Being a young child, I prayed with my mom and dad every night before bed. And you better believe, every night for what felt like months, but was probably only a couple of weeks, I diligently prayed for the thing I wanted most. Snow.
I don't want to throw my dad under the bus, but in this sense, it's really relevant to the story. One very specific night, I prayed my usual "And God, please make it snow here." And my dad quietly chuckled. I was super offended. He simply replied, "Sweetie, I understand how much you want it to snow, but it just doesn't happen around here. We don't get snow." I believe my reply was something along the lines of "Well, I asked God and God can make anything happen, even snow."
At about 5 am the next morning (January 25, 1999...I remember dates like nobodies business), I woke up to my dad looking out the window and laughing. I got up and looked outside. The ground was white. The cars were white. It was grey and there was something white falling from the sky.
God had made it snow.
I remember three specific things from this day. I remember setting out to make the biggest snowball I could; I remember my rottweiler sticking her head, face first, into the snow and running around completely blindly; and I remember the wonder of knowing that God really could do anything.
This memory came to me today, I don't know why, but maybe just because I've seen God do so many amazing things this last year. But I've never thought about the faith I had during this whole time. I had that pure, innocent, childlike faith that God could do anything, and that anything was possible through him. No one had to teach me that, I had just heard it my whole life and had no problem believing it.
So what changes in life? What makes us turn from that childhood awe of believing (with zero doubt) that God can make anything happen....to a person who has to believe that they believe in God's ability, and often doesn't recognize what God has really done? Now, I've learned that when God answers prayer, he answers it according to His will, not mine. He answers with what he knows is best for me, not what I think is best for me. But I'll be honest, half the time when I ask God for something or to do something, it's almost in passing, and not with real, fervent prayer. I don't doubt that he'll follow through...but do I believe it with my whole heart?
I wish I could answer yes all the time. But maybe because he has shown himself to be faithful so often in my life, I can start making a true effort to pray with purpose. To pray for what is best in my life, not what I want or think I need in my life.
God made it snow in the Central Valley. Anything can happen.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Sticks and Stones
We all know the saying - "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." I don't know about you, but I have a pretty high pain tolerance - physically. Emotionally? Eh, not so much. Bottom line is, by this age, I'm sure we've all realized that that phrase is a load of crap. Words hurt. Whether they are said by friends, co-workers, spouses, significant others, parents, siblings, etc. I tend to find that the words that hurt the most are the ones that are said behind our backs that we aren't supposed to find out about. Or the ones said in anger during a fight. Or more importantly the ones that are meant to harm us, manipulate us, or control us. So here are just some thoughts I have on the subject of words - both for giving and receiving them.
1. Watch What You Say
It goes without saying that everything that we say will do one of two things - It will either help or hurt. I was just watching a Beth Moore video where she stated that "There is nothing on earth louder than your mouth." Just...ponder that for a second. We remember quotes, song lyrics, lines from movies, punch lines to jokes. My best friend can recite whole stand up comedy skits from beginning to end, almost word for word. Show her a picture and ask her to repeat it, and she may be able to give a few key details, but not too much. The point is, we remember words more than anything else. Which is why they are so powerful. Watch what you say. Your words can (and will, most of the time) come back to haunt you if you use them incorrectly.
2. Watch What You Hear
Watch how you're listening and receiving information. What I mean by this is always have an open mind when you're listening to what someone is telling you. Or whatever words you are receiving. Even in the middle of an argument. From personal experience, I've found that if you walk into a conversation with a negative perspective on whatever will be said, that's all your going to hear. And even if it wasn't meant to be that way, you most likely won't take it in its context at all if you're already expecting it to be bad. Listen to what is said, not what you think you hear.
3. Consider the Motives of the Speaker/Source
This is the biggie. Even people who are your closest friends will probably talk about you behind your back. It's just fact. Some of your worst enemies probably will too. And then someone - be it friend or foe - will tell you about it. And then you'll hear it. Remember the above two points? That's where those come in handy.
My Aunt said a long time ago that "[When someone says something behind your back, they are saying it for them, not for you. If they were saying it for you, they would probably say it to you.]" I'm going to say this as best I can, because I have seen it proven over and over again. If your real friends say something about you behind your back, they are probably saying it because they need to vent about some things in your friendship that they know would really hurt you if they said it to you. So they vent to other people. These things have the potential to really hurt us if we let them. However, really take to heart what I just said. They were said behind your back in order to keep you safe and not hurt you.
Now, on the flip side of that, there are things said behind your back by people who you know are not your friends. Well, just don't listen to them. Those are meant to hurt. And often they do. And I'm not saying they shouldn't, because a lot of times, those can be really cutting. But if they really dislike you that much, why should you care as much? I'm just as guilty of letting those things ruin my mood and attitude too...but I also have had to reassess who my real friends were.
In the same sense, pay attention to who is giving you information on what is being said behind your back. Usually, if someone is telling you what is being said about you, they aren't holding your best interests at heart. Sometimes they are, but not often. This is known as gossip...and it spreads like a weed. And it hurts. Sadly, it's usually meant to. If you're being informed on what is being said behind your back, really consider who is doing the telling.
Bottom line is....words can hurt, and usually do. I'm not saying to become some robot and shut off your emotions around gossip. That's impossible. But by really considering what is being said by whom, you may be able to dissuade the hurt a little bit.
"Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear." - Ephesians 4:29
1. Watch What You Say
It goes without saying that everything that we say will do one of two things - It will either help or hurt. I was just watching a Beth Moore video where she stated that "There is nothing on earth louder than your mouth." Just...ponder that for a second. We remember quotes, song lyrics, lines from movies, punch lines to jokes. My best friend can recite whole stand up comedy skits from beginning to end, almost word for word. Show her a picture and ask her to repeat it, and she may be able to give a few key details, but not too much. The point is, we remember words more than anything else. Which is why they are so powerful. Watch what you say. Your words can (and will, most of the time) come back to haunt you if you use them incorrectly.
2. Watch What You Hear
Watch how you're listening and receiving information. What I mean by this is always have an open mind when you're listening to what someone is telling you. Or whatever words you are receiving. Even in the middle of an argument. From personal experience, I've found that if you walk into a conversation with a negative perspective on whatever will be said, that's all your going to hear. And even if it wasn't meant to be that way, you most likely won't take it in its context at all if you're already expecting it to be bad. Listen to what is said, not what you think you hear.
3. Consider the Motives of the Speaker/Source
This is the biggie. Even people who are your closest friends will probably talk about you behind your back. It's just fact. Some of your worst enemies probably will too. And then someone - be it friend or foe - will tell you about it. And then you'll hear it. Remember the above two points? That's where those come in handy.
My Aunt said a long time ago that "[When someone says something behind your back, they are saying it for them, not for you. If they were saying it for you, they would probably say it to you.]" I'm going to say this as best I can, because I have seen it proven over and over again. If your real friends say something about you behind your back, they are probably saying it because they need to vent about some things in your friendship that they know would really hurt you if they said it to you. So they vent to other people. These things have the potential to really hurt us if we let them. However, really take to heart what I just said. They were said behind your back in order to keep you safe and not hurt you.
Now, on the flip side of that, there are things said behind your back by people who you know are not your friends. Well, just don't listen to them. Those are meant to hurt. And often they do. And I'm not saying they shouldn't, because a lot of times, those can be really cutting. But if they really dislike you that much, why should you care as much? I'm just as guilty of letting those things ruin my mood and attitude too...but I also have had to reassess who my real friends were.
In the same sense, pay attention to who is giving you information on what is being said behind your back. Usually, if someone is telling you what is being said about you, they aren't holding your best interests at heart. Sometimes they are, but not often. This is known as gossip...and it spreads like a weed. And it hurts. Sadly, it's usually meant to. If you're being informed on what is being said behind your back, really consider who is doing the telling.
Bottom line is....words can hurt, and usually do. I'm not saying to become some robot and shut off your emotions around gossip. That's impossible. But by really considering what is being said by whom, you may be able to dissuade the hurt a little bit.
"Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear." - Ephesians 4:29
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
New Chapters and New Beginnings
As I've written lately, I've been going through a HUGE state of transition lately. This week, I close the chapter I've never thought I'd have to and begin one I never thought I would; my job. I've voiced my frustration about my life at my job a few times, and even my few triumphs. But I feel like I've been earmarking this chapter, and just staying there for a long time; it has been safe, it has been predictable, and it has been stable. But it is finally time to move on. It is once again time to "let go and let God."
A few months ago, we completely switched our way of doing things and the shift manager role. Our responsibilities were doubled while our time was cut in half. It was awful. I immediately started looking for a new job. Nothing popped up after looking for a couple of weeks, and I reluctantly (yet, with an ironic state of relief) decided that I was supposed to stay there for whatever reason. I remember telling my coworker that if I were meant to change jobs, God would unmistakably show me.
Fast forward to last month. I was at my old place of employment, Bath and Body Works. I worked here alongside of my current job for three years (with about a four month gap in the mix) until this last March when I had to "permanently" leave due to scheduling conflicts with my job. I was just in buying candles and soaps, and my old boss and a couple of other old coworkers asked about work. I voiced a little of my frustrations with my position, my development and the company as a whole. I was informed that there were some job positions open in the company, and that if I were interested, I could get in contact with the district manager and set up an interview. My attitude at the time was more of a "sure, why not try."
I talked it over with my best friend and we laid out a pro/con list. It was very evident that financially this could be a huge risk, but in the long term, it could be a great possibility for me. I then prayed about it, and realized that God had opened a door for me, in a place where so many seemed barred shut in my "safe" place. I had a way out.
I let my manager at my job know I had an interview, had the interview and was offered a job the next day. Talk about providence.
This is a huge step for me. With the exception of a year after high school, This job has been all I've known. I've spent my entire adult at that company. This company has seen me through hearth-ache, all my college years, moving out, moving back in, moving out again and staying independent. It has seen me through sickness and health, times of hope and times of despair. It's also caused a lot of those. But ultimately, it has been a fantastic company to work for. And a wonderful chapter of my life.
But it is time to let it go, and see what else is out there.
It's scary to think that in four days, I will no longer be a barista. I will no longer hear the drone of the drive through "ding", the "I need a caramel Frappucchino", and the "Oh, I ordered that iced." But I also won't hear the "you guys make my morning every day!" And the regular customers that we see every day that seem absent when on vacation. Or the customer we all love that gets sick and we miss seeing them. Or the customer that treats us like her own children and brings us snacks on the dreaded Black Friday overnight shift. No more regulars, no more modifiers, and no more authentic (and some not so authentic) customer connections. But I also won't smell like old coffee, my car won't smell like old milk, and I won't have to constantly be investing in slip resistant work shoes. There are so many good and bad things about working for a company such as the one I've called home for so many years. To say I've loved every minute would be a lie, but I have certainly had some good moments, some growing moments, and some unforgettable memories. I've made friends - some that stuck, and some that didn't- and even had some life changing experiences (such as getting plugged into my current church at just the right moment.)
As one chapter ends, another begins. Two roads diverged, and I took the one less taken. When God closes a door, he opens a window. Put whatever label or cliché fits. The bottom line is that it has been a wonderful chapter, and God knows what comes next.
"'For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and future."
A few months ago, we completely switched our way of doing things and the shift manager role. Our responsibilities were doubled while our time was cut in half. It was awful. I immediately started looking for a new job. Nothing popped up after looking for a couple of weeks, and I reluctantly (yet, with an ironic state of relief) decided that I was supposed to stay there for whatever reason. I remember telling my coworker that if I were meant to change jobs, God would unmistakably show me.
Fast forward to last month. I was at my old place of employment, Bath and Body Works. I worked here alongside of my current job for three years (with about a four month gap in the mix) until this last March when I had to "permanently" leave due to scheduling conflicts with my job. I was just in buying candles and soaps, and my old boss and a couple of other old coworkers asked about work. I voiced a little of my frustrations with my position, my development and the company as a whole. I was informed that there were some job positions open in the company, and that if I were interested, I could get in contact with the district manager and set up an interview. My attitude at the time was more of a "sure, why not try."
I talked it over with my best friend and we laid out a pro/con list. It was very evident that financially this could be a huge risk, but in the long term, it could be a great possibility for me. I then prayed about it, and realized that God had opened a door for me, in a place where so many seemed barred shut in my "safe" place. I had a way out.
I let my manager at my job know I had an interview, had the interview and was offered a job the next day. Talk about providence.
This is a huge step for me. With the exception of a year after high school, This job has been all I've known. I've spent my entire adult at that company. This company has seen me through hearth-ache, all my college years, moving out, moving back in, moving out again and staying independent. It has seen me through sickness and health, times of hope and times of despair. It's also caused a lot of those. But ultimately, it has been a fantastic company to work for. And a wonderful chapter of my life.
But it is time to let it go, and see what else is out there.
It's scary to think that in four days, I will no longer be a barista. I will no longer hear the drone of the drive through "ding", the "I need a caramel Frappucchino", and the "Oh, I ordered that iced." But I also won't hear the "you guys make my morning every day!" And the regular customers that we see every day that seem absent when on vacation. Or the customer we all love that gets sick and we miss seeing them. Or the customer that treats us like her own children and brings us snacks on the dreaded Black Friday overnight shift. No more regulars, no more modifiers, and no more authentic (and some not so authentic) customer connections. But I also won't smell like old coffee, my car won't smell like old milk, and I won't have to constantly be investing in slip resistant work shoes. There are so many good and bad things about working for a company such as the one I've called home for so many years. To say I've loved every minute would be a lie, but I have certainly had some good moments, some growing moments, and some unforgettable memories. I've made friends - some that stuck, and some that didn't- and even had some life changing experiences (such as getting plugged into my current church at just the right moment.)
As one chapter ends, another begins. Two roads diverged, and I took the one less taken. When God closes a door, he opens a window. Put whatever label or cliché fits. The bottom line is that it has been a wonderful chapter, and God knows what comes next.
"'For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and future."
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Timeline of a Year
When I think back on the "good times" of life, I always think about what year it was for me. For example, seventeen was my favorite year. I was right where I wanted to be; coming out of a depression in my life, more active in school than ever, set to go off to college in the fall, and the possibility of so many new adventures. Yes, seventeen was a good year.
Then there was eighteen. I didn't start the year off very great. The day before my eighteenth birthday, my stepmom had planned an amazing surprise party, which, by complete accident, I had found out about. I hate having attention drawn to myself, so I was stressed all that week. I laugh about it now, because I can't believe how freaked out I was by something that most people get so excited about. Never the less, I got into a fender bender on the way home, less than two hours before the party happened. The year went on, and dreams didn't come to pass. I didn't go to Azusa Pacific like I had wanted to, and I didn't get to leave the valley. But other "good" things happened. I started other new adventures here at home, and the year overall was very good.
Nineteen was just awful. I won't go into detail, but it was bad from beginning to end. Twenty was a time of experience. I experienced a lot at that very young age, some I definitely could have done without. Twenty-one started good. I was back at my parents house, had a decent relationship with my whole family, and had reconnected with old friends, some of which I figured I'd never be friends with again.
Then there was twenty-two. I decided to finish my AA at COS and met the last guy I dated. Let me just say that at that time, I was already a little shaky in my faith. I wasn't on a solid foundation, and I wasn't being careful with my practices. He was an atheist, much different than I was. At the time, I didn't think it would change who I was very much, but looking back, by dating him I was really defending what he believed in, and not what I believed in. Needless to say, it didn't work out. We broke up mid-July, and the rest of the year was filled with me being in a very rebellious state of mind. I didn't care what I did, what consequences my actions would cause, and I just stopped caring about a whole lot. All while stepping away from church.
Then I turned twenty-three. In February, I felt convicted of everything I had been doing or even feeling in the last six months, and dedicated myself to a life after Christ again. In the same breath, I moved out on my own and started that particular step into adulthood.
Let's fast-forward to exactly a year ago. I don't know the exact date, but I know the time frame. Around last Fall, we started talking in our small group about trusting God. I had always thought that I already trusted God, but this year particularly, there have been multiple instances where I literally have to get on my knees and humbly ask God for his help because there is simply no way for me to do it on my own. I just want to share a brief timeline of what God has taught me in just the last year:
August 2012: It became very clear to me that I wasn't supposed to be in school anymore. It was almost as though God let me get my AA, and then said "enough." I quit COS, and haven't taken a class since. This is the longest period of time I've been out of school.
October 2012: My grandfather passed away, leaving me with questions about life and death. I realized that death is much more real as an adult, and not necessarily in a bad way. You just start to realize how little time we have on earth to complete our purpose.
February 2013: My relationship with my dad fell apart. Some things were brought to light, sins of years past, and I was left feeling like I couldn't trust anyone. In my mind (and still a little bit, if I'm being completely honest) He is the one man in my life that I can trust, and if I can't trust him anymore, who can I trust? The outcome was that I've learned to trust God as my true father.
March 2013: I decide to go on the Mexico mission trip OVC is going on, even though finances don't really justify it at the time. I started hearing the still small voice, telling me constantly "I will provide."
April 2013: The weekend before I leave to Colorado for vacation, our pastor at OVC announces he is leaving at the end of the month. He was the only pastor I still trusted after all the "church hurt" I'd experienced a few years back, and I had no clue what was going to happen.
May 2013: Broke from my vacation, I'm penny pinching and the inevitable happens. My car breaks down, and is unable to be fixed. Putting complete faith in God, I went to look for a car with the help of my sister's boyfriend, told the dealer a down payment that popped in my head (that I knew I couldn't afford without dipping into my rent money for the month) and got the car. Two days later, my sister's boyfriend sold my poor broken down car to a junk yard for $50 more than what I had had to dip into my rent money with. God came through 100%, and I even came out on top! What a blessing!
June 2013: I went on the Mexico mission trip, where it was made very clear to me that I want to live my life doing mission work, whether locally or foreign. It was more clarification, as I had already been thinking about this for a while. But it couldn't have been more clear.
July 2013: My church announces that they are shutting the doors. I was devastated and heartbroken. I didn't want to be in the "church-shopping" phase again. I've been there before, and since it's just me, it's surprisingly more difficult. But I just prayed. And trusted. And God pretty much dropped the perfect, orchestrated scenario into my lap, thus bringing me to the church I now call home.
Twenty-four has been an exciting year. As you can see, it's been eventful. But I've seriously learned SO MUCH. It hasn't ended. But the main thing I've learned is when I completely trust God to provide, he provides much more than I can even imagine in my tiny human brain. It's called "scarey faith" for a reason. Trusting is hard, but usually when we trust, God blows us away and creates an even more beautiful scenario than we thought to ask.
Provers 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take."
Matthew 7:7-8 "Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened."
James 1:5-8 "If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do."
Then there was eighteen. I didn't start the year off very great. The day before my eighteenth birthday, my stepmom had planned an amazing surprise party, which, by complete accident, I had found out about. I hate having attention drawn to myself, so I was stressed all that week. I laugh about it now, because I can't believe how freaked out I was by something that most people get so excited about. Never the less, I got into a fender bender on the way home, less than two hours before the party happened. The year went on, and dreams didn't come to pass. I didn't go to Azusa Pacific like I had wanted to, and I didn't get to leave the valley. But other "good" things happened. I started other new adventures here at home, and the year overall was very good.
Nineteen was just awful. I won't go into detail, but it was bad from beginning to end. Twenty was a time of experience. I experienced a lot at that very young age, some I definitely could have done without. Twenty-one started good. I was back at my parents house, had a decent relationship with my whole family, and had reconnected with old friends, some of which I figured I'd never be friends with again.
Then there was twenty-two. I decided to finish my AA at COS and met the last guy I dated. Let me just say that at that time, I was already a little shaky in my faith. I wasn't on a solid foundation, and I wasn't being careful with my practices. He was an atheist, much different than I was. At the time, I didn't think it would change who I was very much, but looking back, by dating him I was really defending what he believed in, and not what I believed in. Needless to say, it didn't work out. We broke up mid-July, and the rest of the year was filled with me being in a very rebellious state of mind. I didn't care what I did, what consequences my actions would cause, and I just stopped caring about a whole lot. All while stepping away from church.
Then I turned twenty-three. In February, I felt convicted of everything I had been doing or even feeling in the last six months, and dedicated myself to a life after Christ again. In the same breath, I moved out on my own and started that particular step into adulthood.
Let's fast-forward to exactly a year ago. I don't know the exact date, but I know the time frame. Around last Fall, we started talking in our small group about trusting God. I had always thought that I already trusted God, but this year particularly, there have been multiple instances where I literally have to get on my knees and humbly ask God for his help because there is simply no way for me to do it on my own. I just want to share a brief timeline of what God has taught me in just the last year:
August 2012: It became very clear to me that I wasn't supposed to be in school anymore. It was almost as though God let me get my AA, and then said "enough." I quit COS, and haven't taken a class since. This is the longest period of time I've been out of school.
October 2012: My grandfather passed away, leaving me with questions about life and death. I realized that death is much more real as an adult, and not necessarily in a bad way. You just start to realize how little time we have on earth to complete our purpose.
February 2013: My relationship with my dad fell apart. Some things were brought to light, sins of years past, and I was left feeling like I couldn't trust anyone. In my mind (and still a little bit, if I'm being completely honest) He is the one man in my life that I can trust, and if I can't trust him anymore, who can I trust? The outcome was that I've learned to trust God as my true father.
March 2013: I decide to go on the Mexico mission trip OVC is going on, even though finances don't really justify it at the time. I started hearing the still small voice, telling me constantly "I will provide."
April 2013: The weekend before I leave to Colorado for vacation, our pastor at OVC announces he is leaving at the end of the month. He was the only pastor I still trusted after all the "church hurt" I'd experienced a few years back, and I had no clue what was going to happen.
May 2013: Broke from my vacation, I'm penny pinching and the inevitable happens. My car breaks down, and is unable to be fixed. Putting complete faith in God, I went to look for a car with the help of my sister's boyfriend, told the dealer a down payment that popped in my head (that I knew I couldn't afford without dipping into my rent money for the month) and got the car. Two days later, my sister's boyfriend sold my poor broken down car to a junk yard for $50 more than what I had had to dip into my rent money with. God came through 100%, and I even came out on top! What a blessing!
June 2013: I went on the Mexico mission trip, where it was made very clear to me that I want to live my life doing mission work, whether locally or foreign. It was more clarification, as I had already been thinking about this for a while. But it couldn't have been more clear.
July 2013: My church announces that they are shutting the doors. I was devastated and heartbroken. I didn't want to be in the "church-shopping" phase again. I've been there before, and since it's just me, it's surprisingly more difficult. But I just prayed. And trusted. And God pretty much dropped the perfect, orchestrated scenario into my lap, thus bringing me to the church I now call home.
Twenty-four has been an exciting year. As you can see, it's been eventful. But I've seriously learned SO MUCH. It hasn't ended. But the main thing I've learned is when I completely trust God to provide, he provides much more than I can even imagine in my tiny human brain. It's called "scarey faith" for a reason. Trusting is hard, but usually when we trust, God blows us away and creates an even more beautiful scenario than we thought to ask.
Provers 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take."
Matthew 7:7-8 "Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened."
James 1:5-8 "If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do."
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Transition
Last Sunday, the church I've attended (and helped start in the beginning) for three years announced that they were shutting the doors and merging with another church. This exact situation, I have never been through. But I have been through several church changes over the years. From switching churches to pastoral changes to leaving based on circumstances, I've certainly seen many sides of it all.
I know a lot of us are hurt by church change, particularly this one (for those of you who attended the same church.) A lot of us were part of it from the beginning, a lot of us have been through the processes of trying to find a new pastor. And if I'm being honest, I know a lot of us were feeling discouraged, even before this announcement came about.
I feel like I need to share my story regarding this last week. When I found out, it was the Friday before the announcement was made at church. Since I was at work, I couldn't deal with it then and there, and by the time I was going home, I had stuffed all the emotion back inside and just wasn't ready to deal yet (which is very typical for me if you know me.) Sunday, on the way to church, all the emotions hit me at once. I cried all the way to Exeter, and wasn't able to stop the entire service (which once again, is very typical for me.) I halfheartedly listened to the sermon, but spent most of the time just seeking God and praying for guidance. I knew in my heart the church we were merging with was not where I was supposed to be. Not because it's not a good church, it absolutely is, and it has a lot of doctrine I believe in. But I just knew I wasn't supposed to be there. But that left the question, where was I supposed to be? So I simply prayed. And prayed. And prayed.
That night at work was terrible. I had an all new-person crew, a very busy night, not to mention a headache from dealing with all the emotions of that morning. The store was closing, but there was one last group of people on the patio. As I went out to let them know I was closing, I noticed they had a Bible sitting on the table, something I always get a little excited about but never mention when I'm on the clock. So, they helped me bring in their table and I locked the door. I don't know why I did what I did next, but I promptly turned around and went back out to ask what church they went to. I've never, ever done this before. Being in a corporate world, you never know who you're going to offend. But it just felt right. One of the guys immediately started telling me that they were actually part of a church plant that would be holding it's first "preview" service on the following Sunday. Seriously God? I was in shock. I chatted with them a little bit about what I was currently going through with church transition and the need for church shopping. So they got my information, and I got the information about the church.
I still can't believe that happened. On my way home, I couldn't stop smiling and just thanking God. My prayer had literally just been answered in such a crazy way. Some would call this coincidence, I call this God. I spent the week in contact with the guy I had met at work, and praying about this opportunity. Coming from a church plant, I was a little nervous to just dive in and be part of it. But it also seemed too God-ordained to not be what I was supposed to be part of. I attended the service on Sunday, and from what I could see and what I observed, I'm all in. It was everything I could look for in a church. I was able to connect with some people, meet new people, and already build some community.
I'm not trying to sell this new church to everyone who may be going through the same transition I am, but I do want to encourage everyone who has been part of OVC to not just blindly go to another church because friends are going there, or because it's what everyone else is doing. Really ask God (with no ulterior motives) where you are supposed to go. He'll show you. You may not even like the answer, but God will show you. If you want to, check out www.launchthechurch.com. I'm glad I did. But ultimately, it comes down to prayer.
When it comes to change and transition, several verses come to mind:
Jeremiah 29:11
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.'"
Philippians 4:6-7
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
"There is a time for everything,
I know a lot of us are hurt by church change, particularly this one (for those of you who attended the same church.) A lot of us were part of it from the beginning, a lot of us have been through the processes of trying to find a new pastor. And if I'm being honest, I know a lot of us were feeling discouraged, even before this announcement came about.
I feel like I need to share my story regarding this last week. When I found out, it was the Friday before the announcement was made at church. Since I was at work, I couldn't deal with it then and there, and by the time I was going home, I had stuffed all the emotion back inside and just wasn't ready to deal yet (which is very typical for me if you know me.) Sunday, on the way to church, all the emotions hit me at once. I cried all the way to Exeter, and wasn't able to stop the entire service (which once again, is very typical for me.) I halfheartedly listened to the sermon, but spent most of the time just seeking God and praying for guidance. I knew in my heart the church we were merging with was not where I was supposed to be. Not because it's not a good church, it absolutely is, and it has a lot of doctrine I believe in. But I just knew I wasn't supposed to be there. But that left the question, where was I supposed to be? So I simply prayed. And prayed. And prayed.
That night at work was terrible. I had an all new-person crew, a very busy night, not to mention a headache from dealing with all the emotions of that morning. The store was closing, but there was one last group of people on the patio. As I went out to let them know I was closing, I noticed they had a Bible sitting on the table, something I always get a little excited about but never mention when I'm on the clock. So, they helped me bring in their table and I locked the door. I don't know why I did what I did next, but I promptly turned around and went back out to ask what church they went to. I've never, ever done this before. Being in a corporate world, you never know who you're going to offend. But it just felt right. One of the guys immediately started telling me that they were actually part of a church plant that would be holding it's first "preview" service on the following Sunday. Seriously God? I was in shock. I chatted with them a little bit about what I was currently going through with church transition and the need for church shopping. So they got my information, and I got the information about the church.
I still can't believe that happened. On my way home, I couldn't stop smiling and just thanking God. My prayer had literally just been answered in such a crazy way. Some would call this coincidence, I call this God. I spent the week in contact with the guy I had met at work, and praying about this opportunity. Coming from a church plant, I was a little nervous to just dive in and be part of it. But it also seemed too God-ordained to not be what I was supposed to be part of. I attended the service on Sunday, and from what I could see and what I observed, I'm all in. It was everything I could look for in a church. I was able to connect with some people, meet new people, and already build some community.
I'm not trying to sell this new church to everyone who may be going through the same transition I am, but I do want to encourage everyone who has been part of OVC to not just blindly go to another church because friends are going there, or because it's what everyone else is doing. Really ask God (with no ulterior motives) where you are supposed to go. He'll show you. You may not even like the answer, but God will show you. If you want to, check out www.launchthechurch.com. I'm glad I did. But ultimately, it comes down to prayer.
When it comes to change and transition, several verses come to mind:
Jeremiah 29:11
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.'"
Philippians 4:6-7
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
"There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace"
Maybe those are all a little cliché because they're always used for this type of thing. But they all bring encouragement too, at least to me. I hope all of you who are in transition can find hope and peace through this. This type of transition is never easy, but I also think a lot of the time it comes from God as a way to build us up more. Pray. Trust. Follow what God is telling you.
Friday, July 19, 2013
Learning
I've been putting off writing this for a very long time, simply because I quite honestly don't know how to start it. The last few months have been full of so much; so much learning, so much trusting, so much excitement. The lessons God has been teaching me lately have blown my mind. There have been so many instances where I've had to trust 100% that God was a) in control, and b) really knew what he was doing. This should all be obvious, yes? Well yeah, but the truth is it isn't our human instinct to trust God as soon as the hard times hit.
I guess the best way to approach this is break it down into three things I have learned recently - not learned because I didn't know them, but learned in the sense that they have truly been revealed to me and I simply can't ignore them.
1. Prayer
For literally as long as I can remember, I have been taught to pray. When I was little and used to pray, it started like this (literally every time...my poor mom) "Dear Jesus, thank you for this day, help us to be grateful and not be complainers. Please be with me and mom and dad and grandma and grandpa doss and grandma Rose and grandpa John and Breann....." the list would literally name EVERY single person I knew, and some I didn't...like the President, and I think I even prayed for fictional characters sometimes. Like I said, my poor mom. Yes, prayer evolved over time, but I never quite grasped what prayer could accomplish. Not having an agenda when praying is essential. James 1:5-8 tells us "If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do." (NLT)
This has been proven to me over and over again, this week even! Praying with faith in God alone to give you answers is the only way to pray. You may hear a resounding voice that can't be mistaken for anything other than God, or you may not get an answer at all but find the answer in other events. But he answers it, every time, even if it's not the answer we're looking for.
2. God's Provision
"Look at the birds. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren't you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don't work or make their clothing, yes Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?
I guess the best way to approach this is break it down into three things I have learned recently - not learned because I didn't know them, but learned in the sense that they have truly been revealed to me and I simply can't ignore them.
1. Prayer
For literally as long as I can remember, I have been taught to pray. When I was little and used to pray, it started like this (literally every time...my poor mom) "Dear Jesus, thank you for this day, help us to be grateful and not be complainers. Please be with me and mom and dad and grandma and grandpa doss and grandma Rose and grandpa John and Breann....." the list would literally name EVERY single person I knew, and some I didn't...like the President, and I think I even prayed for fictional characters sometimes. Like I said, my poor mom. Yes, prayer evolved over time, but I never quite grasped what prayer could accomplish. Not having an agenda when praying is essential. James 1:5-8 tells us "If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do." (NLT)
This has been proven to me over and over again, this week even! Praying with faith in God alone to give you answers is the only way to pray. You may hear a resounding voice that can't be mistaken for anything other than God, or you may not get an answer at all but find the answer in other events. But he answers it, every time, even if it's not the answer we're looking for.
2. God's Provision
"Look at the birds. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren't you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don't work or make their clothing, yes Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?
So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today." (Matthew 6:26-34)
God's provision has been so, SO incredibly relevant in my life lately. By being obedient to his word and calling, he made himself VERY known to me and provided more than I could have hoped for on my own. In March, the door was opened for me to go on a mission trip (that was in June). In April, I went on a long vacation to Colorado for a friends wedding (not to mention a pricey one). In May, my car died and I had to find a way to get a new one. In June, I went on the mission trip. It has been four months of expense after expense after expense. I stressed about money most of the time, but kept hearing "I will provide" with each prayer...and had to turn around and ask for forgiveness for not trusting Him more. All the bills were paid. I didn't have to go hungry. Did I have to be more frugal and responsible with other spending? Yes. But in reality, that is just good practice, right?
God's provision through the last few months has left me speechless and in awe. I think I needed to learn this lesson a long time ago, but it has been vital to learn it now (and still learning!)
3. Simplicity
"Don’t store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be." (Matthew 6:19-21)
Clearly Matthew 6 has shown up a lot in my life lately. One of my favorite quotes is "May I live simply so that others may simply live" by Gandhi. Not from the Bible, but the message is there. I have been leaning in this direction for a long time, but had never fully realized it. In all the honesty of the world, money has never been important to me. Possessions have never been important. Investment has never been important. Sure, these are all things that society says are important. But Jesus had a robe on his back and sandals on his feet. Reality is that to live, to truly live, you need Jesus, not wealth or even financial "stability" for that matter. Reality is that there are people in our very cities in America who have a roof over their heads and food on their tables and are happy.
When I was in Mexico last month, our group was in a very poor area located right between TJ and Ensanada. There were people living with 4-10 people in a small one bedroom home, and there were families with 4-5 people living in one room, which served as a bedroom, kitchen and dining room. But those children and their parents were some of the happiest people I have ever seen in my life. Are they grateful for people who choose to come help them? Of course! But are they also content with what they have and grateful simply for the air they breath? Yes! It was like something hit be between the eyes. How many people do I know who live in the US who have multiple homes, two or three cars, all the latest gadgets....but are always complaining, always wanting more, or always stressing about how to pay the bills? Yet the children we were teaching VBS to were saving the plastic colored cups we used for snacks and drinks (which most Americans would use for 10 minutes and then throw away), washing them, and taking them home because that was special to them. A plastic, colored cup! We observed this on the first day. A couple of days later, we went to the house of some of the kids to pray for their sick mom. When we walked in, I started to cry. Not because of the situation we were walking into, but because there were the cups; washed, dried, and on display...because that was special to them, and they were grateful. And yet we get upset because we can't buy a new gadget or expensive car or new house or....the list goes on.
The fact of the matter is: storing up treasures on earth leads to greed and discord, and storing them in heaven leads to joy and gratefulness.
God has convicted me tremendously lately about this. Live simply. I've dealt with debt in my past. I've dealt with money issues. I've dealt with greed. But I can look around now at what God has blessed me with, and I'm grateful. I have a roof over my head. I have food on the table (so do the cats) and I have a car to get me to my job.
Now, please don't believe for a minute that I'm judging people who have "nice" possessions. I'm not. But be careful to be grateful for what you have, and to really evaluate why you have it. Do you have it because you're trying to gain status, or because you have been frugal and God has blessed you with it? Why are you investing? Why are you buying all the newest and latest things? Is it to be cool? Is it edifying to you? Does it glorify God?
On that note though, let me discuss Mexico for a moment. Mexico was amazing. And eye-opening. I've known for a while that I was being called back to mission work/ministry. What that looks like, I still don't know. But being away from life for a week and living in complete service to God....nothing is sweeter. It was such an amazing experience, but it was so clarifying to me that that is also what I've been missing out on. I haven't been involved in any sort of ministry or mission work in years. And I've missed it so much.
So that's where I am right now. I can now see why a lot of doors closed over the last year. I've had my eye on the wrong things for a long time. But I've not only learned a lot about God, but also myself as well. I've seen what full and complete trust in God does. And I can see a lot more clearly what my purpose in Him is.
Isn't God amazing?
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
I Will Provide
It's really been on my heart lately to share this. Not in a "look at all the great things God is doing for me!" kind of way, but hopefully in an encouraging, inspiring sort of way.
I'm going on a mission trip to Mexico in a week, one that I hadn't even thought of going on until about two months ago. In fact, I didn't even know about it until the day before I signed up. My pastor (at the time) had posted a picture on facebook of the first group meeting, and I instantly started thinking about going. It was March, and I started doubting if I could go. I remember it so clearly, because I was in the backroom at work at about 7 am when I saw the picture. I told one of my co-workers (who is also a Christian) about it, and her response was to pray about it. So I started. By the time I was doing the deposit, at about 11 am, I was having a straight out debate with God about it. I didn't even realize it at the time, but that's what I was doing! My first thought was, "There is no way I can afford that. I'm going on vacation in a month" which was followed by a different voice, saying "Then don't spend as much on vacation." I followed that with, "But I have even less time to pay for the trip than anyone else does, and I don't know anything about Mexico." That was followed with "I will provide and it's a leap of faith." My response? "But I'm using all my vacation hours next month when I go to Colorado. I won't be able to pay my rent, pay my bills, pay...." and I was quite literally cut off by a voice in my head, saying (quite loudly, it seemed) "I WILL PROVIDE! STOP DOUBTING ME AND HAVE FAITH!!!"
If I've ever felt about an inch tall in my life, that was definitely it. I was stunned by the enormous amount of peace I had. I immediately took the steps I needed to and signed up. And now, I leave in a week.
I've still been quite uncertain, but sure enough, I've still had that same small voice, whispering all the time, "I will provide," even after I signed up and paid the trip off. It was still there. I even shared it with my small group that I had this enormous peace that God would be providing for me. Little did I know what the next week would bring.
Anyone who knows me knows that I drive a very old, very unreliable little '87 Toyota Camry. She has seen me through a lot, but she is definitely on her last leg. About three weeks ago now, I was driving to our last small group meeting, and my car started overheating. Not by a little tiny bit, but literally past the red line you should never cross. I pulled over twice just on my way across town. I let my car cool down, hoping I could make it home and then figure it all out in the morning, but by about a mile, it started overheating again. My dad came and put a "bandaid" on it, and I drove it home. It seemed to have done the trick, so I left it alone the next day, which was my day off. At about 5pm the next day, I decided to go see a movie, which is only about a mile or so from my house. On my way there, it started overheating again, but I was already turning into the theatre parking lot, so there was no point in turning around and going home. So I went to the movie, and let my car cool off in the process. When the movie was over, I came out to my car, put more coolant in, and decided to go put gas in and trudge my way to my parent's house so I could at least figure things out from there. On my way to the gas station, it started overheating again, so I reached for my phone to call my dad and let him know what was going on....and lo and behold, my phone was NOT in my purse. I realized I had left it in the theatre. I turned around and made it back, and searched inside. It had been no more than 10-15 minutes since I had left, but of course, my phone was gone, and when I tried to call it, it went straight to voicemail. My phone was stolen.
So, with my car in bad shape, and my phone gone, I figured I would go to the gas station and call from a payphone (someday my children will ask me what that is.) The gas station didn't have one. So I started the mile and a half drive to my house, thinking I would just park the car and call my dad from my neighbors. As I pulled up to the intersection before my apartment, steam had started coming up from under the hood, and I knew I was in trouble. I literally put-putted it into the parking space, where it died. Luckily, my neighbor was awake and I was able to get a hold of my dad, who graciously got out of bed (at 10:45 at night) to come get me.
I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. All the money I had been saving for a downpayment I spent trying to fix my Toyota, and the next paycheck I was getting was my rent paycheck. So how was I supposed to get a car if mine died?
In the next couple of days, a friend of mine lent me her phone, and I was also given the news that to fix my car (excluding any labor) would cost me about $700, which I clearly didn't have. I was stressed to the max. However, I kept hearing that still, small voice saying over and over "I will provide."
My next day off was Friday, and I was determined to go to a car dealership and explain my situation and beg for a car. After about four unsuccessful hours, my sister's awesome and amazing boyfriend came and helped me out. We went to one more lot, and the guys were amazing!! I decided to dip into my rent and hope my landlord was understanding, and put a larger downpayment on the car than anticipated. And I got one! It was amazing. My next concern, however, was "What about rent?" Well, the junk yard was willing to pay me a good amount of money for my car, which coincidentally (ordained?) enough, was a few dollars more than what I had taken from my rent money! Seriously. Could it have been more perfect? No. I was already blessed beyond blessed.
But God wasn't done yet. About a week after I bought the car, the guy from the dealership called me to ask if I could come back in. They had gotten my APR lowered. So I went in, thinking only a little more down. They had managed to get my APR from a 17.6% (due to my not so perfect credit history) to a 6.99%, AND I added a warranty, and still my payments were $40 less than what I had originally signed for.
Isn't God freaking amazing?
So, as I said, I'm not writing this in a sense of trying to rub it in if things are not working out quite so perfect for you, but rather as a testimony of God's blessing to me. I trusted that small voice I kept hearing, and here I am, going to Mexico in a week, with a new car and a lot stronger faith. God isn't required to "prove" himself, but we are commanded to have faith. However, when God does show himself, it's usually a LOT bigger than we expected.
"...Let the children come to me. Do not stop them! For the kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children. I tell you the truth, anyone who does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it." Mark 10:14-15
I'm going on a mission trip to Mexico in a week, one that I hadn't even thought of going on until about two months ago. In fact, I didn't even know about it until the day before I signed up. My pastor (at the time) had posted a picture on facebook of the first group meeting, and I instantly started thinking about going. It was March, and I started doubting if I could go. I remember it so clearly, because I was in the backroom at work at about 7 am when I saw the picture. I told one of my co-workers (who is also a Christian) about it, and her response was to pray about it. So I started. By the time I was doing the deposit, at about 11 am, I was having a straight out debate with God about it. I didn't even realize it at the time, but that's what I was doing! My first thought was, "There is no way I can afford that. I'm going on vacation in a month" which was followed by a different voice, saying "Then don't spend as much on vacation." I followed that with, "But I have even less time to pay for the trip than anyone else does, and I don't know anything about Mexico." That was followed with "I will provide and it's a leap of faith." My response? "But I'm using all my vacation hours next month when I go to Colorado. I won't be able to pay my rent, pay my bills, pay...." and I was quite literally cut off by a voice in my head, saying (quite loudly, it seemed) "I WILL PROVIDE! STOP DOUBTING ME AND HAVE FAITH!!!"
If I've ever felt about an inch tall in my life, that was definitely it. I was stunned by the enormous amount of peace I had. I immediately took the steps I needed to and signed up. And now, I leave in a week.
I've still been quite uncertain, but sure enough, I've still had that same small voice, whispering all the time, "I will provide," even after I signed up and paid the trip off. It was still there. I even shared it with my small group that I had this enormous peace that God would be providing for me. Little did I know what the next week would bring.
Anyone who knows me knows that I drive a very old, very unreliable little '87 Toyota Camry. She has seen me through a lot, but she is definitely on her last leg. About three weeks ago now, I was driving to our last small group meeting, and my car started overheating. Not by a little tiny bit, but literally past the red line you should never cross. I pulled over twice just on my way across town. I let my car cool down, hoping I could make it home and then figure it all out in the morning, but by about a mile, it started overheating again. My dad came and put a "bandaid" on it, and I drove it home. It seemed to have done the trick, so I left it alone the next day, which was my day off. At about 5pm the next day, I decided to go see a movie, which is only about a mile or so from my house. On my way there, it started overheating again, but I was already turning into the theatre parking lot, so there was no point in turning around and going home. So I went to the movie, and let my car cool off in the process. When the movie was over, I came out to my car, put more coolant in, and decided to go put gas in and trudge my way to my parent's house so I could at least figure things out from there. On my way to the gas station, it started overheating again, so I reached for my phone to call my dad and let him know what was going on....and lo and behold, my phone was NOT in my purse. I realized I had left it in the theatre. I turned around and made it back, and searched inside. It had been no more than 10-15 minutes since I had left, but of course, my phone was gone, and when I tried to call it, it went straight to voicemail. My phone was stolen.
So, with my car in bad shape, and my phone gone, I figured I would go to the gas station and call from a payphone (someday my children will ask me what that is.) The gas station didn't have one. So I started the mile and a half drive to my house, thinking I would just park the car and call my dad from my neighbors. As I pulled up to the intersection before my apartment, steam had started coming up from under the hood, and I knew I was in trouble. I literally put-putted it into the parking space, where it died. Luckily, my neighbor was awake and I was able to get a hold of my dad, who graciously got out of bed (at 10:45 at night) to come get me.
I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. All the money I had been saving for a downpayment I spent trying to fix my Toyota, and the next paycheck I was getting was my rent paycheck. So how was I supposed to get a car if mine died?
In the next couple of days, a friend of mine lent me her phone, and I was also given the news that to fix my car (excluding any labor) would cost me about $700, which I clearly didn't have. I was stressed to the max. However, I kept hearing that still, small voice saying over and over "I will provide."
My next day off was Friday, and I was determined to go to a car dealership and explain my situation and beg for a car. After about four unsuccessful hours, my sister's awesome and amazing boyfriend came and helped me out. We went to one more lot, and the guys were amazing!! I decided to dip into my rent and hope my landlord was understanding, and put a larger downpayment on the car than anticipated. And I got one! It was amazing. My next concern, however, was "What about rent?" Well, the junk yard was willing to pay me a good amount of money for my car, which coincidentally (ordained?) enough, was a few dollars more than what I had taken from my rent money! Seriously. Could it have been more perfect? No. I was already blessed beyond blessed.
But God wasn't done yet. About a week after I bought the car, the guy from the dealership called me to ask if I could come back in. They had gotten my APR lowered. So I went in, thinking only a little more down. They had managed to get my APR from a 17.6% (due to my not so perfect credit history) to a 6.99%, AND I added a warranty, and still my payments were $40 less than what I had originally signed for.
Isn't God freaking amazing?
So, as I said, I'm not writing this in a sense of trying to rub it in if things are not working out quite so perfect for you, but rather as a testimony of God's blessing to me. I trusted that small voice I kept hearing, and here I am, going to Mexico in a week, with a new car and a lot stronger faith. God isn't required to "prove" himself, but we are commanded to have faith. However, when God does show himself, it's usually a LOT bigger than we expected.
"...Let the children come to me. Do not stop them! For the kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children. I tell you the truth, anyone who does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it." Mark 10:14-15
Thursday, May 2, 2013
A Time for Everything
"For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear downa nd a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.
What do people really get for all their hard work? I have seen the burden God has placed on us all. yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end" (Ecclesiastes 3:1-11
My beloved church is going through a time of transition right now. Our wonderful pastor, who I've known for close to seven years, is taking a year away from ministry and moving. As happy as I am for him and his family, this leaves me in a state of extreme uncertainty. This has happened before. Several times, in fact. What happens next? Who is going to take over pastoring our church? What if they aren't as loving as he is? What if they don't teach the gospel correctly? What if they lead our church down a road we never wanted to go? What if? WHAT IF?
The reality is written right there in the scripture above. "...yet god has made everything beautiful for its own time....people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end." OVC is a part of The Church, the complete and whole body of Christ. We are not in control. We can try to control it as much as we want, but ultimately it is God's work, not ours.
Ephesians 4:11 says, "Now these are the gifts Christ gave to the church: the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, and the pastors and teachers. Their responsibility is to equip God's people to do his work and build up the church, the body of Christ. This will continue until we all come to such unity in our faith and knowledge of God's Son that we will be mature in the Lord, measuring up to the full and complete standard of Christ."
A pastor's work is to "...equip God's people to do his work and build up the church..." I can speak from experience that our pastor has done this over and over again. He has taught each and every one of us to go out into the world with love and compassion, and how to be leaders in Christ so we can go out and evangelize to others.
Trusting in God to pull our church through this is a difficult task. Actually, fully trusting God does not come easy anyway. We are blessed enough to have an elder board equipped with some amazing men of God, men who will make wise decisions based on prayer to God. Knowing that God has given our church these tools gives me great peace in knowing that what happened at my old church won't happen here.
In his farewell sermon, our pastor left us with these four points to follow for the rest of, well, Life.
1) Run after Jesus
— 2 Tim. 4:7-8 "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, and I have remained faithful. And now, the prize awaits me - the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will give me on the day of his return. And the prize is not just for me, but for all who eagerly look forward to his appearing."
2) Remember who we are and who God is
— 2 Cor. 5:21 "For God made Christ, who never sinned, to be the offering for our sin, so that we could be made right with God through Christ." (My personal note for this one was "Living fearlessly for God")
3) Live with Gratitude
— Heb 12:28-29 "Since we are receiving a Kingdom that is unshakable, let us be thankful and please God by worshiping him with holy fear and awe. For our God is a devouring fire."
4) Follow your passion
— Col. 3:23-24 "Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. Remember that the Lord will give you an inheritance as your reward, and that the Master you are serving is Christ."
These were all encouraging, and of course, accurate. This is a time of transition. Nothing more, nothing less. No matter what, God is in control. And only he knows what the big picture is.
a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear downa nd a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.
What do people really get for all their hard work? I have seen the burden God has placed on us all. yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end" (Ecclesiastes 3:1-11
My beloved church is going through a time of transition right now. Our wonderful pastor, who I've known for close to seven years, is taking a year away from ministry and moving. As happy as I am for him and his family, this leaves me in a state of extreme uncertainty. This has happened before. Several times, in fact. What happens next? Who is going to take over pastoring our church? What if they aren't as loving as he is? What if they don't teach the gospel correctly? What if they lead our church down a road we never wanted to go? What if? WHAT IF?
The reality is written right there in the scripture above. "...yet god has made everything beautiful for its own time....people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end." OVC is a part of The Church, the complete and whole body of Christ. We are not in control. We can try to control it as much as we want, but ultimately it is God's work, not ours.
Ephesians 4:11 says, "Now these are the gifts Christ gave to the church: the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, and the pastors and teachers. Their responsibility is to equip God's people to do his work and build up the church, the body of Christ. This will continue until we all come to such unity in our faith and knowledge of God's Son that we will be mature in the Lord, measuring up to the full and complete standard of Christ."
A pastor's work is to "...equip God's people to do his work and build up the church..." I can speak from experience that our pastor has done this over and over again. He has taught each and every one of us to go out into the world with love and compassion, and how to be leaders in Christ so we can go out and evangelize to others.
Trusting in God to pull our church through this is a difficult task. Actually, fully trusting God does not come easy anyway. We are blessed enough to have an elder board equipped with some amazing men of God, men who will make wise decisions based on prayer to God. Knowing that God has given our church these tools gives me great peace in knowing that what happened at my old church won't happen here.
In his farewell sermon, our pastor left us with these four points to follow for the rest of, well, Life.
1) Run after Jesus
— 2 Tim. 4:7-8 "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, and I have remained faithful. And now, the prize awaits me - the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will give me on the day of his return. And the prize is not just for me, but for all who eagerly look forward to his appearing."
2) Remember who we are and who God is
— 2 Cor. 5:21 "For God made Christ, who never sinned, to be the offering for our sin, so that we could be made right with God through Christ." (My personal note for this one was "Living fearlessly for God")
3) Live with Gratitude
— Heb 12:28-29 "Since we are receiving a Kingdom that is unshakable, let us be thankful and please God by worshiping him with holy fear and awe. For our God is a devouring fire."
4) Follow your passion
— Col. 3:23-24 "Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. Remember that the Lord will give you an inheritance as your reward, and that the Master you are serving is Christ."
These were all encouraging, and of course, accurate. This is a time of transition. Nothing more, nothing less. No matter what, God is in control. And only he knows what the big picture is.
Friday, March 15, 2013
Let Go and Let God
If you read my last blog, you probably noticed it was riddled with sarcasm, pessimism and frustration. Yes, it was indeed. However, through the prayer and support of friends over the last couple of weeks, all that anger and resentment has turned into a positive new outlook on life. I'm still hurt by the events that led up to me proclaiming such things, and still believe what I wrote to an extent. But...there is so much more to it than that.
Over the last few months, I've felt incredibly convicted to serve either at my church, or by volunteering, or by doing mission work. Each time it is brought up in church or Bible study or even just conversation, I feel incredibly convicted. I've always enjoyed serving, but haven't been actively involved in service in a long time. A couple of weeks ago, I found out our church was doing a mission trip down to Mexico. My friend Lacey told me about it, and since I hadn't been at church in weeks due to work, I hadn't heard anything about it at all really. I started praying about it that night, and the next day at work, I really started thinking about it. I even mentioned it to a co-worker, and she encouraged me to pray about it and really listen to what God was saying. It's funny...Even while doing my job, I started not necessarily arguing with God, but coming up with all the reasons in my head why I couldn't go on this trip. And God started counteracting what I was saying. I shouldn't go because I'm going to Colorado and on vacation next month. You don't need to spend as much money as you think. I don't know if I can take another week off of work or if my boss will let me. All you can do is ask. I really need to start saving my money. Be a better steward with your money between now and then. I don't have the vacation hours to cover yet another week of missing work. God will provide. When I realized (or heard?) that God will provide, I knew I ran out of excuses and that I really had no excuse not to go. It's funny how God works.
So since then I've been thinking a lot about serving. We actually just talked about it at Bible study this last week, and all made commitments on how we will begin to serve. I'm excited about it. And I came to realized just how much I have truly missed serving, both inside and outside the church.
Back when I first graduated high school and was headed toward marriage and all other things, I remember that that was truly the most exciting time of my life. But not because I was dating this seemingly awesome guy that I was going to marry, or because I was going to be a wife/mom/college graduate. No, I was excited because I was literally going to live my life serving in the church. I was going to be a pastors wife, and build a church and see it grow and work hard to do service for God. And I forgot how exciting that was. When I go on this trip to Mexico, I really do hope I remember how excited I was to serve, and I'm excited to see what God tells me to do with that excitement.
I feel like I've finally learned how to "Let go and let God." I've put all my plans, all my dreams and hopes to rest. As of this moment, I realize that a) God has closed indefinitely the door to finishing college and b) I currently have no desire to get married, either anytime soon or ever for that matter. It's almost comical to me simply because I've spent so much time trying to achieve these things, when the whole time God just might have been saying "no."
When I was a senior in high school, I was doing everything they told me to do to get scholarships, financial aid and graduate college. I had a 4.08 GPA, held officer positions in ASB, Choir and Link Crew, and was actively involved in Drama and a couple of other clubs, I had outstanding letters of recommendation, and was involved in multiple church service projects. Everyone I ever talked to said there was absolutely no explainable reason why I got ZERO financial aid and ZERO scholarships. I find this funny because they only explainable thing I can think of was that God had already closed that door back then, but I didn't realize it and it didn't make sense to me why God would close that door. At that time in my life, I thought I was the closest to God that I could get. But oh how wrong I was! I had surrendered my hopes and dreams to God...but it was more of a conditional surrender. In my mind, If I dedicate my life to God and worship and pray more and study him more, he'll bless these things for me. In reality, it should have been, If I surrender these things completely to God, he'll give me the true desires of my heart and lead me on the path He wants me on.
In my life now, I've surrendered those things to him for the first time, ever really. I'm at a point in my life where my dreams I've fought him so hard to keep are gone and I'm left with the knowledge that God is ultimately and completely in control. I don't have plans. I know that I'm being considered for promotion at work. I know I'm currently paying off a trip to Ireland that I've wanted to go on since I was a little girl. But as far as where my life is actually headed, I have no idea. And no plan as of right now. I'm letting go, and letting God. And I feel fantastic about it.
Over the last few months, I've felt incredibly convicted to serve either at my church, or by volunteering, or by doing mission work. Each time it is brought up in church or Bible study or even just conversation, I feel incredibly convicted. I've always enjoyed serving, but haven't been actively involved in service in a long time. A couple of weeks ago, I found out our church was doing a mission trip down to Mexico. My friend Lacey told me about it, and since I hadn't been at church in weeks due to work, I hadn't heard anything about it at all really. I started praying about it that night, and the next day at work, I really started thinking about it. I even mentioned it to a co-worker, and she encouraged me to pray about it and really listen to what God was saying. It's funny...Even while doing my job, I started not necessarily arguing with God, but coming up with all the reasons in my head why I couldn't go on this trip. And God started counteracting what I was saying. I shouldn't go because I'm going to Colorado and on vacation next month. You don't need to spend as much money as you think. I don't know if I can take another week off of work or if my boss will let me. All you can do is ask. I really need to start saving my money. Be a better steward with your money between now and then. I don't have the vacation hours to cover yet another week of missing work. God will provide. When I realized (or heard?) that God will provide, I knew I ran out of excuses and that I really had no excuse not to go. It's funny how God works.
So since then I've been thinking a lot about serving. We actually just talked about it at Bible study this last week, and all made commitments on how we will begin to serve. I'm excited about it. And I came to realized just how much I have truly missed serving, both inside and outside the church.
Back when I first graduated high school and was headed toward marriage and all other things, I remember that that was truly the most exciting time of my life. But not because I was dating this seemingly awesome guy that I was going to marry, or because I was going to be a wife/mom/college graduate. No, I was excited because I was literally going to live my life serving in the church. I was going to be a pastors wife, and build a church and see it grow and work hard to do service for God. And I forgot how exciting that was. When I go on this trip to Mexico, I really do hope I remember how excited I was to serve, and I'm excited to see what God tells me to do with that excitement.
I feel like I've finally learned how to "Let go and let God." I've put all my plans, all my dreams and hopes to rest. As of this moment, I realize that a) God has closed indefinitely the door to finishing college and b) I currently have no desire to get married, either anytime soon or ever for that matter. It's almost comical to me simply because I've spent so much time trying to achieve these things, when the whole time God just might have been saying "no."
When I was a senior in high school, I was doing everything they told me to do to get scholarships, financial aid and graduate college. I had a 4.08 GPA, held officer positions in ASB, Choir and Link Crew, and was actively involved in Drama and a couple of other clubs, I had outstanding letters of recommendation, and was involved in multiple church service projects. Everyone I ever talked to said there was absolutely no explainable reason why I got ZERO financial aid and ZERO scholarships. I find this funny because they only explainable thing I can think of was that God had already closed that door back then, but I didn't realize it and it didn't make sense to me why God would close that door. At that time in my life, I thought I was the closest to God that I could get. But oh how wrong I was! I had surrendered my hopes and dreams to God...but it was more of a conditional surrender. In my mind, If I dedicate my life to God and worship and pray more and study him more, he'll bless these things for me. In reality, it should have been, If I surrender these things completely to God, he'll give me the true desires of my heart and lead me on the path He wants me on.
In my life now, I've surrendered those things to him for the first time, ever really. I'm at a point in my life where my dreams I've fought him so hard to keep are gone and I'm left with the knowledge that God is ultimately and completely in control. I don't have plans. I know that I'm being considered for promotion at work. I know I'm currently paying off a trip to Ireland that I've wanted to go on since I was a little girl. But as far as where my life is actually headed, I have no idea. And no plan as of right now. I'm letting go, and letting God. And I feel fantastic about it.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Another Dream Put to Rest
Disclaimer: If your reading this and your a) a man or b) a woman who trusts at the drop of a hat, you're not going to like this and you really just shouldn't read it. This is how I feel, what I've come to accept. I've been denying how I really feel for a long time, and it's high time I accepted it. If your opinion of me drops, so be it.
Over the last few days, I've learned a great deal about my family, and inadvertently, my life. I've learned that my family sin is lying and deceit, among other things, and I've made it my personal goal in life to be the one to break the cycle. I've also, somewhere along the way, realized that every man in my life that I've ever admired, looked up to, or trusted unconditionally has let me down by lying and deceiving me. The man I was going to marry lied to me, manipulated me, and then ultimately cheated on me. Relatives in my family have hidden things from me, lied to me and have made it impossible to trust them again....ultimately leading me to the point I never thought I'd actually come to.
I never, ever, in this ridiculous life, want to get married.
It's been proven to me over and over again that no relationship is really "good." There is always a problem, some major opposition. And how many people work it through the right way? Or all the way? It's also been proven to me over and over that men (and no, I won't sugarcoat this by saying only some men) can not be trusted. I have seen so many of the women of my life, myself included, hurt and/or devastated by lying and cheating, some by husbands or significant others, some by the most influential men in their lives. Lets just face it: chivalry in my generation is dead. Yes, men know how to show romantic gestures and "woo". But how much of that is BS? And how many times, MEN, have you let a woman walk to her car, in the dark, alone, and not even thought twice about it? And how many times, BOYFRIENDS, have you let your girlfriend drive somewhere and not bothered to check if she got home alright? And how many times, HUSBANDS, have you "innocently" flirted with the women you encounter and not thought it unfaithful? YOU are living proof of what I'm talking about.
A pet peeve I've come to terms with is how many of these damn men are men who are "friends" with girls and treat them like they're interested in them. Okay guys....women are relational creatures. Can we be friends with men without getting the "wrong impression?" HELL YES WE CAN!!!! We don't fall head over heels for every idiot that comes our way. But MEN....when you say the sweet, perfect things, and act the way not of a friend, but of someone who wants more, what do you expect? Don't act like a prospect and then treat us like a little sister the next day. Seriously, I have several male friends who do this, and I'm sick of the women around me constantly getting hurt! It sucks sitting next to a girl who has once again been devastated by a guy who was flirty and acting like a guy who wanted to date her, only to find out he's actually been dating someone. I mean seriously? I work in customer service. I see it every day. And I'm sick of it. And it doesn't stop outside the walls of the church. Sometimes it's at the very heart of it.
A dream I've had my entire life has been to get married and be a mom. Honestly, I don't even want it anymore. I'm disgusted by the men I see these days. That's not to say there aren't a few good ones out there, there are. But the majority of men I come into contact with in my life fit this. And I just can't trust the heart of men anymore.
Over the last few days, I've learned a great deal about my family, and inadvertently, my life. I've learned that my family sin is lying and deceit, among other things, and I've made it my personal goal in life to be the one to break the cycle. I've also, somewhere along the way, realized that every man in my life that I've ever admired, looked up to, or trusted unconditionally has let me down by lying and deceiving me. The man I was going to marry lied to me, manipulated me, and then ultimately cheated on me. Relatives in my family have hidden things from me, lied to me and have made it impossible to trust them again....ultimately leading me to the point I never thought I'd actually come to.
I never, ever, in this ridiculous life, want to get married.
It's been proven to me over and over again that no relationship is really "good." There is always a problem, some major opposition. And how many people work it through the right way? Or all the way? It's also been proven to me over and over that men (and no, I won't sugarcoat this by saying only some men) can not be trusted. I have seen so many of the women of my life, myself included, hurt and/or devastated by lying and cheating, some by husbands or significant others, some by the most influential men in their lives. Lets just face it: chivalry in my generation is dead. Yes, men know how to show romantic gestures and "woo". But how much of that is BS? And how many times, MEN, have you let a woman walk to her car, in the dark, alone, and not even thought twice about it? And how many times, BOYFRIENDS, have you let your girlfriend drive somewhere and not bothered to check if she got home alright? And how many times, HUSBANDS, have you "innocently" flirted with the women you encounter and not thought it unfaithful? YOU are living proof of what I'm talking about.
A pet peeve I've come to terms with is how many of these damn men are men who are "friends" with girls and treat them like they're interested in them. Okay guys....women are relational creatures. Can we be friends with men without getting the "wrong impression?" HELL YES WE CAN!!!! We don't fall head over heels for every idiot that comes our way. But MEN....when you say the sweet, perfect things, and act the way not of a friend, but of someone who wants more, what do you expect? Don't act like a prospect and then treat us like a little sister the next day. Seriously, I have several male friends who do this, and I'm sick of the women around me constantly getting hurt! It sucks sitting next to a girl who has once again been devastated by a guy who was flirty and acting like a guy who wanted to date her, only to find out he's actually been dating someone. I mean seriously? I work in customer service. I see it every day. And I'm sick of it. And it doesn't stop outside the walls of the church. Sometimes it's at the very heart of it.
A dream I've had my entire life has been to get married and be a mom. Honestly, I don't even want it anymore. I'm disgusted by the men I see these days. That's not to say there aren't a few good ones out there, there are. But the majority of men I come into contact with in my life fit this. And I just can't trust the heart of men anymore.
Friday, January 11, 2013
New Year, New Plans
Happy New Year! (ten days late)
New Year is my favorite holiday. Why? Because it's all about new beginnings, new adventures, new discoveries. It's about leaving the failures of last year behind you and delving into the new year with newfound excitement!!!!
These are the plans I had for myself when the new year hit in 2007:
Graduate high school (I did!!)
Go to college (Eh, COS counts I guess)
Get my BA (Still in the works)
Get married (I still haven't)
Travel (I've been out of state twice since)
So in a nutshell, I've done absolutely NOTHING in the last six years. All those dreams, all those plans.....I did none of them.
This last year, I planned on finishing at COS and then going to a four-year. However, I'm absolutely positive that God has closed that door for right now. I was also supposed to go to New Zealand and Australia, but needed to be independent, so I moved out of the house and out on my own instead. Yes, it's been great, but...I'm not, nor have I done, anything but school.
On Christmas Eve, I saw that I had the opportunity to go to the place I've wanted to go since I was a child: Ireland. I can actually afford it, on my own, while also living on my own and providing for myself. I'm so excited!! There is literally no way to describe how stoked I am about this.
Now, since I've been learning how to be domestic, and since I'm going to Ireland in about 460 days, I've decided to embark on another adventure in the next few months: cooking and learning everything I can about Ireland. So, with that being said, venture on over to my new blog and keep up with my new adventure. Yes, I'll still vent on here, and talk about life's adventures, but cooking and culture will take place here:
http://celticcookingjourney.blogspot.com/
Enjoy!! And if you have information on history or the culture of Ireland, PLEASE share it with me. I want to learn all I can about this country before I go.
New Year is my favorite holiday. Why? Because it's all about new beginnings, new adventures, new discoveries. It's about leaving the failures of last year behind you and delving into the new year with newfound excitement!!!!
These are the plans I had for myself when the new year hit in 2007:
Graduate high school (I did!!)
Go to college (Eh, COS counts I guess)
Get my BA (Still in the works)
Get married (I still haven't)
Travel (I've been out of state twice since)
So in a nutshell, I've done absolutely NOTHING in the last six years. All those dreams, all those plans.....I did none of them.
This last year, I planned on finishing at COS and then going to a four-year. However, I'm absolutely positive that God has closed that door for right now. I was also supposed to go to New Zealand and Australia, but needed to be independent, so I moved out of the house and out on my own instead. Yes, it's been great, but...I'm not, nor have I done, anything but school.
On Christmas Eve, I saw that I had the opportunity to go to the place I've wanted to go since I was a child: Ireland. I can actually afford it, on my own, while also living on my own and providing for myself. I'm so excited!! There is literally no way to describe how stoked I am about this.
Now, since I've been learning how to be domestic, and since I'm going to Ireland in about 460 days, I've decided to embark on another adventure in the next few months: cooking and learning everything I can about Ireland. So, with that being said, venture on over to my new blog and keep up with my new adventure. Yes, I'll still vent on here, and talk about life's adventures, but cooking and culture will take place here:
http://celticcookingjourney.blogspot.com/
Enjoy!! And if you have information on history or the culture of Ireland, PLEASE share it with me. I want to learn all I can about this country before I go.
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