A couple of weeks ago, I went to church for the first time in a while, not because I've been purposely staying away, but because I've been opening on Sundays. It was refreshing, and I wasn't expecting anything other than just to go to church like I do whenever I go to church, and leave with nothing more than I came in with. But this Sunday, I felt moved, for the first time in ages, to do something more than just Sunday morning. There was a sign up sheet for small groups, for the book "Sun Stand Still" by Steven Furtick. I had never heard of the book, but it looked intriguing. So I looked at the sheet, picked a day and signed up. Absolutely blindly, not knowing anything about it other than it was a small group thing.
I can say without any doubt whatsoever, that this may be the hardest book I've ever had to read before. Not because it's a difficult reading level, but it's convicting, scary and challenging. It faces all the things I used to believe so fervently in, all the beliefs I used to actively pray for and about. It is a book about audacious faith; about believing the impossible. Just typing that makes me tear up with anxiety. So much of the last few years have been the result of "believing the impossible" and having that impossible dream blow up in my face.
The first few pages open with Furtick's personal testimony of his church planting and his audacious faith in God that He would see this church through. He speaks of praying to God for the impossible dreams to take place, for the dreams that God has ingrained in us to come true. I can not count how many times in just the first chapter I almost closed the book and didn't open it. I knew that if I really wanted to see this book through, it was going to take some serious faith and prayer.
Five years ago, I can say without a shadow of a doubt was the closest I have ever been to God. Every day was a journey to see what He would have in my life. I believed He had a grand and marvelous plan set aside specifically for me. I believed He had my best interest at heart. I believed in an impossible dream I thought was from God and prayed more fervently than I ever had in my entire life. And God granted that dream…to an extent.
Somewhere along the way, I guess God decided that I shouldn't have that dream. I still don't know why, I still don't know for what reason God took away the one thing I thought I desired above all else. But I'm finally seeing and realizing it was for my own good, and I'm a better person for it. But it's also taken me three and a half years to get to where I am right now, and to realize that if God had followed through with what I thought was his plan, I wouldn't have the friendships I have, the experiences I've had, or learned from the mistakes I've made.
When my dream was first crushed, nearly three and a half years ago to the day, I leaned on God solely for his hand to reach out and bless the situation. When I didn't see what I wanted to see happen, I turned against God, and did everything I could to disappoint myself and those around me, with the hope that God would abandon me and leave me be. But, as He always does with his children, he didn't let me get away that easily. Every week or so, I'd get a text from a friend or pastor, asking how I was or inviting me to church, or simply saying they were praying for me. I usually responded with bits of eye-rolling and a "Yeah, right. God doesn't care about me, why should you?" attitude. But one day, I finally realized that God had not forsaken me, but that he was beside me the entire time. That was about two years ago.
Since then in the past two years, I've gone in and out of "religious" phases. Ultra passionate one day, ultra passive another. Picking and choosing when to be Christian, and choosing more often than not to partake in a life I had never imagined myself living; one of sin and self-destruction. I'll admit that over the last year or so, I've dealt with a tremendous amount of anger, both with God and specific individuals, as well as toeing the line to the point of dancing on it, and eventually running across it. Over the last year specifically, I've made several decisions I'm not proud of, and am entirely ashamed of, as well as sad to admit to.
God really convicted me a couple of weeks ago, not because my dad happened to be preaching that Sunday, and my dad has a way of speaking to me when no one else can, but because I genuinely felt an urge to change my life; to recommit to the life I chose to live years ago. For some reason, that day, it seemed like an "easy" decision.
Opening the pages of this book has been challenging. I actually closed it the first day because I didn't want to hear the words that were being said. I had to spend some time in prayer after that, for courage to keep reading. Part of me wants desperately to believe in impossible dreams again. The other part of me wants to be the cynic I've been prone to be, laugh, close the book and dismiss it as nonsense, with the attitude of "been there, done that, and it turned out to be a load of crap." But I have an unexplainable desire to recommit to my faith, to pursue the dreams I've abandoned, and to live recklessly for Jesus Christ. I guess I've had an awakening of the soul again. I can only pray that this time I'm committed enough to follow through for the rest of my life.
