Let Go and Let God

If you read my last blog, you probably noticed it was riddled with sarcasm, pessimism and frustration. Yes, it was indeed. However, through the prayer and support of friends over the last couple of weeks, all that anger and resentment has turned into a positive new outlook on life. I'm still hurt by the events that led up to me proclaiming such things, and still believe what I wrote to an extent. But...there is so much more to it than that.

Over the last few months, I've felt incredibly convicted to serve either at my church, or by volunteering, or by doing mission work. Each time it is brought up in church or Bible study or even just conversation, I feel incredibly convicted. I've always enjoyed serving, but haven't been actively involved in service in a long time. A couple of weeks ago, I found out our church was doing a mission trip down to Mexico. My friend Lacey told me about it, and since I hadn't been at church in weeks due to work, I hadn't heard anything about it at all really. I started praying about it that night, and the next day at work, I really started thinking about it. I even mentioned it to a co-worker, and she encouraged me to pray about it and really listen to what God was saying. It's funny...Even while doing my job, I started not necessarily arguing with God, but coming up with all the reasons in my head why I couldn't go on this trip. And God started counteracting what I was saying. I shouldn't go because I'm going to Colorado and on vacation next month. You don't need to spend as much money as you think. I don't know if I can take another week off of work or if my boss will let me. All you can do is ask. I really need to start saving my money. Be a better steward with your money between now and then. I don't have the vacation hours to cover yet another week of missing work. God will provide. When I realized (or heard?) that God will provide, I knew I ran out of excuses and that I really had no excuse not to go. It's funny how God works.

So since then I've been thinking a lot about serving. We actually just talked about it at Bible study this last week, and all made commitments on how we will begin to serve. I'm excited about it. And I came to realized just how much I have truly missed serving, both inside and outside the church.

Back when I first graduated high school and was headed toward marriage and all other things, I remember that that was truly the most exciting time of my life. But not because I was dating this seemingly awesome guy that I was going to marry, or because I was going to be a wife/mom/college graduate. No, I was excited because I was literally going to live my life serving in the church. I was going to be a pastors wife, and build a church and see it grow and work hard to do service for God. And I forgot how exciting that was. When I go on this trip to Mexico, I really do hope I remember how excited I was to serve, and I'm excited to see what God tells me to do with that excitement.

I feel like I've finally learned how to "Let go and let God." I've put all my plans, all my dreams and hopes to rest. As of this moment, I realize that a) God has closed indefinitely the door to finishing college and b) I currently have no desire to get married, either anytime soon or ever for that matter. It's almost comical to me simply because I've spent so much time trying to achieve these things, when the whole time God just might have been saying "no."

When I was a senior in high school, I was doing everything they told me to do to get scholarships, financial aid and graduate college. I had a 4.08 GPA, held officer positions in ASB, Choir and Link Crew, and was actively involved in Drama and a couple of other clubs, I had outstanding letters of recommendation, and was involved in multiple church service projects. Everyone I ever talked to said there was absolutely no explainable reason why I got ZERO financial aid and ZERO scholarships. I find this funny because they only explainable thing I can think of was that God had already closed that door back then, but I didn't realize it and it didn't make sense to me why God would close that door. At that time in my life, I thought I was the closest to God that I could get. But oh how wrong I was! I had surrendered my hopes and dreams to God...but it was more of a conditional surrender. In my mind, If I dedicate my life to God and worship and pray more and study him more, he'll bless these things for me. In reality, it should have been, If I surrender these things completely to God, he'll give me the true desires of my heart and lead me on the path He wants me on. 

In my life now, I've surrendered those things to him for the first time, ever really. I'm at a point in my life where my dreams I've fought him so hard to keep are gone and I'm left with the knowledge that God is ultimately and completely in control. I don't have plans. I know that I'm being considered for promotion at work. I know I'm currently paying off a trip to Ireland that I've wanted to go on since I was a little girl. But as far as where my life is actually headed, I have no idea. And no plan as of right now. I'm letting go, and letting God. And I feel fantastic about it. 

Another Dream Put to Rest

Disclaimer: If your reading this and your a) a man or b) a woman who trusts at the drop of a hat, you're not going to like this and you really just shouldn't read it. This is how I feel, what I've come to accept. I've been denying how I really feel for a long time, and it's high time I accepted it. If your opinion of me drops, so be it.

Over the last few days, I've learned a great deal about my family, and inadvertently, my life. I've learned that my family sin is lying and deceit, among other things, and I've made it my personal goal in life to be the one to break the cycle. I've also, somewhere along the way, realized that every man in my life that I've ever admired, looked up to, or trusted unconditionally has let me down by lying and deceiving me. The man I was going to marry lied to me, manipulated me, and then ultimately cheated on me. Relatives in my family have hidden things from me, lied to me and have made it impossible to trust them again....ultimately leading me to the point I never thought I'd actually come to.

I never, ever, in this ridiculous life, want to get married.

It's been proven to me over and over again that no relationship is really "good." There is always a problem, some major opposition. And how many people work it through the right way? Or all the way? It's also been proven to me over and over that men (and no, I won't sugarcoat this by saying only some men) can not be trusted. I have seen so many of the women of my life, myself included, hurt and/or devastated by lying and cheating, some by husbands or significant others, some by the most influential men in their lives. Lets just face it: chivalry in my generation is dead. Yes, men know how to show romantic gestures and "woo". But how much of that is BS? And how many times, MEN, have you let a woman walk to her car, in the dark, alone, and not even thought twice about it? And how many times, BOYFRIENDS, have you let your girlfriend drive somewhere and not bothered to check if she got home alright? And how many times, HUSBANDS, have you "innocently" flirted with the women you encounter and not thought it unfaithful? YOU are living proof of what I'm talking about.

A pet peeve I've come to terms with is how many of these damn men are men who are "friends" with girls and treat them like they're interested in them. Okay guys....women are relational creatures. Can we be friends with men without getting the "wrong impression?" HELL YES WE CAN!!!! We don't fall head over heels for every idiot that comes our way. But MEN....when you say the sweet, perfect things, and act the way not of a friend, but of someone who wants more, what do you expect? Don't act like a prospect and then treat us like a little sister the next day. Seriously, I have several male friends who do this, and I'm sick of the women around me constantly getting hurt! It sucks sitting next to a girl who has once again been devastated by a guy who was flirty and acting like a guy who wanted to date her, only to find out he's actually been dating someone. I mean seriously? I work in customer service. I see it every day. And I'm sick of it. And it doesn't stop outside the walls of the church. Sometimes it's at the very heart of it.

A dream I've had my entire life has been to get married and be a mom. Honestly, I don't even want it anymore. I'm disgusted by the men I see these days. That's not to say there aren't a few good ones out there, there are. But the majority of men I come into contact with in my life fit this. And I just can't trust the heart of men anymore.