I'm not writing this so you'll feel bad for me, or so I seem like I need encouragement or anything else. I'm simply writing this to share what has been going on, so I can stop being fake with everyone in my life just so I don't seem like the "Debbie-downer of the group," and so hopefully you can understand a little more about where I'm at right now....because even when I tell my closest friends what I'm going through, they downplay it and try to "convince" me that that's not what I'm actually dealing with, but I just need to "trust God" and "listen to what He says." Yeah, I get that. It doesn't change the fact that I know what I'm feeling.
For about the past ten weeks or so, since about mid-August/beginning of September, I've been battling with depression. It's gotten more and more severe since it started (minimally) during the summer, but it's just been getting worse and worse. As I shared a few weeks back, I felt as though I wasn't really supposed to be going to school for right now. Well, I tried to take a class anyway, and God once again shut that door in my face, thus solidifying my already growing feelings that I wasn't supposed to. Since then, I can't seem to pick myself back up. Immediately following that major disappointment, I was faced with another one, one that I knew would end in heart-ache, but I let myself be vulnerable again and it blew up in my face. Again. It feels like God just keeps putting these seemingly perfect situations in front of me, like my dreams are finally reachable....and then suddenly they become so unattainable that I feel like the biggest idiot in the world for even believing I could attain them.
Depression is something that I've dealt with before, but my coping method has always been to just make myself busy and not think about it. Unhealthy? Yes, but it works and I can keep my mind focused and concentrated. What's been the worst about this time is that I've shared it with a few people, and they've downplayed it. One person responded with "I don't think you're depressed, you're just melancholy." Another person said "What you need is to go out, have fun, and not worry about it. It'll all just work itself out." Yet another simply nodded, and said "Well, God has a plan for you. You just need to trust him. He'll show you what you need." Well yes, that is true, I don't doubt that at all, but just because it's true doesn't mean that I'm going to feel better by someone telling me that.
When I'm depressed, I tend to just numb my emotions. I have this wonderful knack of just being able to turn them off at will. Do I become a cold-hearted bitch? Yep! But if it means protecting myself from a full-fledged breakdown, then I'm willing to do that. Well, that lasted about a month, and one night I couldn't contain it anymore and finally had the breakdown I had been avoiding. It lasted about two hours. I pulled myself together, went to bed, woke up the next morning and did what I do everyday: work and put on my happy face.
I was able to stand actually dealing with the emotions I had accidentally let loose, but eventually I was able to feel numb again, and was coping only in my own solitude.
That was until three weeks ago. I was at work and my dad called me to tell me they would be putting my grandfather on hospice care the next day. I broke down at work, left early, and rushed to be with family. Somehow this all seemed right. Now, let me clear this up a little bit. This grandfather and I were NEVER close. The fondest memory I have of him was sitting on my grandparents lawn with him and my grandmother when I was about nine or ten, and watching the fireworks on 4th of July...and that memory more stays in my mind because they had two dogs, and my aunt was in town, which was always a special treat. But ten years ago, after my grandmother died, he acquired dementia, which, if you know anything about it, is one of the most devastating diseases to get, both for the victim and the family. After about five years, he was calling us all different names; by seven years, he was responding with two and three word sentences or gibberish, and by last Christmas he just kind of stared at all of us and didn't say a whole lot at all.
Now, ever since my mom died, I've never been a fan of hospitals. But I knew I had to see him, because I sensed he would only be here a few more days, and regardless of our lack of relationship, he was still my grandpa and I needed to see him. He said he recognized me, but he never said my name, so I don't actually know if he did or not. But he just stared at my for a solid three minutes until I couldn't handle it, and told him I loved him, but I had to go. He actually said "I love you" back. That was on Wednesday. On Saturday, I got the call that he had hours to live. I went to be with him and family, and witnessed yet another person take their final breath on this earth. It doesn't get any easier.
I don't really understand why his death is more troubling to me than most of the other deaths in my family I've experienced. It may be because I'm older, it might be because as an adult, death is so much more real. But since he died, and for the first time in my life, I find myself asking, what's the point?
**Now please, don't read what I have to say and try to "rescue" me and tell me that it'll all be okay, this is just part of life. I know more than most people that THIS is part of life. I lost my mom and both grandmothers in less than a year's time. I KNOW death. And don't take the morbidity of what I'm feeling to mean that I'm in anyway depressed enough to harm myself or others. I'm far more stable than that. But I can't help that I feel this way. I just do. **
Ever since he died, and especially his funeral, I've kind of just had a "what's the point?" attitude. And seriously, what's the point? We live this life, we go to school, we buy a house, we get married, we have kids, we have grandkids....all for what? So we can eventually just end up hurting all those people that we care about so much by....dying? All life is is heartache. We put ourselves out there, we get taken advantage of. We trust, we get lied to. We fall in love, we get our hearts broken. We love those around us, they simply let us down. We walk away, we never look back. So why? Why the hell are we here? We're put on this earth to glorify God, so does that mean that I just need to do a whole bunch of crap to make Him happy? Am I really supposed to give up hope in anything? Anymore I just feel like I'm a waste of space. I have a job that I work, at most, 40 hours a week at, go to church/study for a whole 4 hours max....and aside from that and the occasional get-together with friends, I sit in my apartment and do....nothing. I'll make a hat or two here and there for "Bundles of Hope" but aside from that, I'm living a very pointless, worthless life.
I'll ask again....this can't really be all there is, right?
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Monday, August 6, 2012
When You Move I'll Move, I Will Follow....
A lot of the times when I write on here, I rant...or ask advice....or just share what is going on right now. This time, I'm just sharing. Because this is a very odd time of life for me. But the first time, I think maybe ever, that I actually am at peace with what is going on.
A dream I've always had is to graduate college. For most people, this is just another step in life. For me, it's a dream. Because no one else in my family ever has. And I want to. I thrive on education; I love learning; I enjoy being independent, and possibly having a career in something that I've loved since childhood. And I've fought for this dream. It's something that I've pursued over, and over, and over again.
Surprisingly only to have every door shut. It seems that every time I have come close to going, whether its transferring from COS, or even right after high school when all my ducks were in a row...it still didn't work out. And it's been several times now. I'm beginning to wonder if God has something else planned for me; if, for whatever reason, I'm not supposed to finish school (or maybe not right now) and I'm supposed to do other things right now instead.
But if not school, then....what? All I've known for four years is Starbucks, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that I definitely don't want to stay there for the rest of my life. But that's all I know. It's all (except for school) that I've ever really been good at. So if not school, then what? I think the determining factor will come this next six months; the time has come to apply to the CSU system again. If I don't get in, I'll know it's certainly not coincidence. It's God. I guess that's where the next step comes in; figuring out what I AM supposed to be doing.
The odd thing about all this is that, normally, I would be heartbroken that this may not work out. I've planned on this for years. And wanted it for years. And for the first time since high school.....I feel at peace with the possibility of NOT going to school. The reality is that it could happen; I might not get in.
I've seen God work in some pretty awesome ways this year. And I'm quite excited to see how he moves more. I've seen how being obedient to His wishes brings amazing things. I just hope that when the time comes, I can be obedient too.
And I'm actually excited about this next chapter, however mysterious it may be.
A dream I've always had is to graduate college. For most people, this is just another step in life. For me, it's a dream. Because no one else in my family ever has. And I want to. I thrive on education; I love learning; I enjoy being independent, and possibly having a career in something that I've loved since childhood. And I've fought for this dream. It's something that I've pursued over, and over, and over again.
Surprisingly only to have every door shut. It seems that every time I have come close to going, whether its transferring from COS, or even right after high school when all my ducks were in a row...it still didn't work out. And it's been several times now. I'm beginning to wonder if God has something else planned for me; if, for whatever reason, I'm not supposed to finish school (or maybe not right now) and I'm supposed to do other things right now instead.
But if not school, then....what? All I've known for four years is Starbucks, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that I definitely don't want to stay there for the rest of my life. But that's all I know. It's all (except for school) that I've ever really been good at. So if not school, then what? I think the determining factor will come this next six months; the time has come to apply to the CSU system again. If I don't get in, I'll know it's certainly not coincidence. It's God. I guess that's where the next step comes in; figuring out what I AM supposed to be doing.
The odd thing about all this is that, normally, I would be heartbroken that this may not work out. I've planned on this for years. And wanted it for years. And for the first time since high school.....I feel at peace with the possibility of NOT going to school. The reality is that it could happen; I might not get in.
I've seen God work in some pretty awesome ways this year. And I'm quite excited to see how he moves more. I've seen how being obedient to His wishes brings amazing things. I just hope that when the time comes, I can be obedient too.
And I'm actually excited about this next chapter, however mysterious it may be.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
You Can't Have Your Cake and Eat it Too
Disclaimer: I can't sleep tonight, and haven't for a few, because all this has been on my mind. This is something I haven't shared with anyone, but now since I'm sharing it with everyone, I'm laying out the last five years in a lot of detail. This is a LONG blog, so if you're not up for it, I totally understand. But if you are, be warned: I rant a lot. And over-explain. A lot. So if you are bothered by either of those, just remember that I warned you in advance. :-)
The last few weeks, I've been going through some self turmoil. I haven't really shared it with anyone, because I know what everyone is going to say. However, it is a feeling I have deep in my heart that I feel, and fear, is an accurate truth that, if it is, I'm going to have to fight with everything in me to accept and deal with in a Christ-like manner and accept that God's dream for me is larger than my dream for me. Let me start from the beginning.
Over the last few years, I've experienced several "Life Interruptions," as my pastor so wisely calls them. From breakups to financial issues, to career changes to loss of friendships and family. Since the day I graduated high school it seems, I've made all the "wrong" choices and failed at all my attempted ventures. I've changed majors five times (in five years...at a community college), changed my mind about what I want to do, and repeatedly changed who I am as a person. Only a handful of times can I look back and go "That was a semi-decent decision." Most of the time, I realize it was the worst one I could have made.
Over the course of my life, I've been throughly, truthfully, and amiably EXCITED for, as far as I can tell, three things: the prospect of getting married, having children, and doing something with volcanoes/rocks (geology). At all points of my life, one or all of these "dreams" (fantasies?) have been present in some way. I've always wanted to be a wife, no doubt about it. The thought of sharing my life with one person and one person only is a thought that I've never considered bad or dull. I've wanted this since childhood. Along with that, I've always wanted children. Not so much when I was little, but mainly after about 16 the thought started sounding appealing to me, and by age 19, I had full blown baby-fever....which has never gone away. I've always enjoyed kids, and have always looked forward to having my own. Not even just the idea of having kids, but the whole experience of being pregnant, having the kids, raising them, seeing them grow up....it's something I've imagined on a daily basis for some time now. I think it stems back to how much my mom loved me, and I want to pass that on to a child of my own.
But on the side, I've always dreamed of working with volcanoes. I read my first book about Mount St. Helens when I was eight years old, and I was hooked. My mom and I would go to the library every three weeks, and I would max out my limit with all the books about volcanoes and earthquakes that I could, and actually did read them all. I don't remember a lot of them, but I remember the passion growing. Over the years, I always assumed I wasn't smart enough to study volcanology; I was good in math, but not that good; I was good in science, but could never hope to get that far in science. I was never pushed, never encouraged, and never told that if that's what I wanted to do, I could find a way to do it. So when I entered high school, I chose to study what I needed to to be a teacher and stuck with that most of the way through. Volcanoes always stayed in the back of my mind, and I monitored volcanic activity around the world on my own time, but studying volcanology wasn't even on the table.
When I graduated high school, I did the most idiotic thing anyone can do; I stayed in the horrible town I grew up in for a guy. A man who promised me the world, and ended up breaking my heart. Typical. But before the heartbreak, I experienced other changes. I started at COS (our community college) as a business major, hoping to learn the ins and outs of business so I could assist in building a church with this person. As the year went on, I started noticing my love for sewing. So I changed majors, and started taking clothing design classes. Although I liked all that, I realized that I didn't necessarily want to go into clothing design (as this would take me away from said promised life I was supposed to have with said person), I chose to pursue a theatre arts degree with a concentration in costume design.....which is what I was encouraged to do, to help said hypothetical church we were going to start, with said person. He encouraged me in all of this so we could have this imaginary life we were working on. Well, then the inevitable happened, and he moved on and now has that life with someone else. I was left with a broken heart, a "dream" that I didn't even realize wasn't mine, and a sewing machine I could even sit at without breaking down. I was in shambles, with the only guarantee in my life being that I worked for Starbucks, and was damn good at my job, good enough that even after only six months, I was being considered for a supervisor position. I started considering what I wanted to do again, and actually looked into volcanology even then. Having been in such a serious relationship that I was literally planning my wedding and thinking about life umpteen years in the future, I was feeling very old at the time, and the prospect of being at COS for another three years just to finish math, science and my general ed was not something I wanted to do. In my mind, I didn't have enough time to do that in my lifetime. I had missed my chance, and could never hope to achieve that. Not to mention that with all the shit going on in my life at the time, my self worth was at an all time low, and I didn't think I was intelligent enough to do anything short of walking, and knew that I would just fail all those classes anyway, so why bother, right? So I stuck to Starbucks and the knowledge that I would soon be in a leadership position.
Well, that was the year the economy failed, miserably, and Starbucks suffered a hiring/promotion freeze. We shut down over 1,000 stores that year, and thousands of people lost their jobs. No promotion there! But I thought that was what I wanted, and I decided that since I was good at what I did, I might as well go as far as I could. So I changed my major to communication so I could better understand customer service and relations.
This was the first good decision I had made since high school, and one of the few I don't regret.
Last summer, I finally moved up in the company, and the company moved down on my list of things I wanted to accomplish. Please don't get me wrong; I love the company I work for. As a "bottom of the food chain" citizen in the workforce, I am treated (by my company, NOT the public) very well and they take very good care of me. BUT I quickly realized that it was not what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.
This last October, I was facing a very serious problem; I knew already that Starbucks was not what I wanted to do for the next forty years. But I had gotten so comfortable and so confident in that decision that if not Starbucks, than....what? Communication was what I was good at. Customer service was what I was good at. But I was longing for something more, something that I could test myself with and achieve something difficult. I started praying and seriously thinking about what I wanted. I knew in my heart that I am someone who in always eager to learn. I'm curious about everything, and I wanted to learn as much as I could, whether it be science, math, astronomy, art, language, etc. But what was I good at? Well, I knew that I had never had less than an A in a science or math class, and I wasn't very good in many other things. (When I say good, I mean I wasn't the best....this tends to be my mindset.) Then it hit me like a punch in the face. What about volcanology? I've always loved it, always been fascinated in it, and always wanted to do it. Why the hell not? So I started looking into it, and decided once again that I was too old that that ship had set sail way too long ago. It wasn't until I was visiting Santa Cruz with my friend that I realized I could do this. She had a couple of friends that were (ironically enough) geology majors, that were both older than I was when they started at UCSC, and were going to be graduating that year. I realized, if they can do it, why can't I?
As soon as we got home, I signed up for trigonometry, which was the first of many pre-req's I'd need to take to do this thing.
I've told several people this, and it remains true now: I've never in my life been more excited about the career choice I've finally made. I can't wait to get to even just next semester when I get to take chemistry, precalculus and geology. If my mind isn't constantly being challenged, I feel like its dying a little, so the anticipation for learning these things I'm actually interested in is crazy. I CAN'T WAIT!! It's like I finally feel like I'm doing what I was meant to do from the beginning.
This was the second decision I've made since high school that wasn't wrong, and that I haven't regretted once.
But, in researching and realizing the reality of what it is I'm about to embark on, I started realizing other things too. And this is where people tell me I'm insane, but I truthfully don't think I am.
In pursuing geology, I'm accepting that I may have to give up those other two things I've dreamed about my whole life; marriage and children. Volcanology is not exactly a "have a career and still have dinner on the table by six" thing. It involves traveling all over the world, doing dangerous things, and coming home when either a) the volcano is done erupting or b) the volcano decides not to erupt. It involves lots of time away from home, husband and kids. Most volcanologists, for this reason, either marry within the career or don't marry at all. I started thinking about just teaching geology. Teaching has always been something I've been good at. But....I'm not sure that would be enough for me.
This is where assumptions take hold of my thought process; I've always dreamed of wanting to be a mom. But, men aren't interested in women who want to be moms. Men want women who are independent enough to do their own thing, but dependent enough to be a wife. If that woman just happens to want to be a mom too, cool! If not, I don't really think men care that much. So a career is a must. Okay, well, I have a potential career at Starbucks....but lets be real. What man wants a woman who has a career at Starbucks, who isn't a co-dependent man. And what does that say about me? That I was willing to settle for pulling shots, steaming milk and blending diabetes inducing beverages...just so I can get married and have kids? What type of message would that send to my children, that their mom gave up what she wanted to do just so she could have them? I would never be able to convince them that they are good enough for their dreams.
The reality is this; these three very core dreams have been in my life as long as I can remember. I can't remember a time when they weren't. But the harsh reality is that I can't have my cake and eat it too. Of the three desires of my heart, the things I want the most, I'm going to have to give up something to have another. The world we live in doesn't allow for "moms" to be a career (and that's not even saying I want to have that as my only thing) anymore. And I think I've found what I have to do to have life "fulfillment." It breaks my heart to accept that I may indeed have to give up a happily ever after in order to do what I want to do. But it has become a reality I have to face.
I guess the next step is dealing with the reality the right way....which I'm not known for.
The last few weeks, I've been going through some self turmoil. I haven't really shared it with anyone, because I know what everyone is going to say. However, it is a feeling I have deep in my heart that I feel, and fear, is an accurate truth that, if it is, I'm going to have to fight with everything in me to accept and deal with in a Christ-like manner and accept that God's dream for me is larger than my dream for me. Let me start from the beginning.
Over the last few years, I've experienced several "Life Interruptions," as my pastor so wisely calls them. From breakups to financial issues, to career changes to loss of friendships and family. Since the day I graduated high school it seems, I've made all the "wrong" choices and failed at all my attempted ventures. I've changed majors five times (in five years...at a community college), changed my mind about what I want to do, and repeatedly changed who I am as a person. Only a handful of times can I look back and go "That was a semi-decent decision." Most of the time, I realize it was the worst one I could have made.
Over the course of my life, I've been throughly, truthfully, and amiably EXCITED for, as far as I can tell, three things: the prospect of getting married, having children, and doing something with volcanoes/rocks (geology). At all points of my life, one or all of these "dreams" (fantasies?) have been present in some way. I've always wanted to be a wife, no doubt about it. The thought of sharing my life with one person and one person only is a thought that I've never considered bad or dull. I've wanted this since childhood. Along with that, I've always wanted children. Not so much when I was little, but mainly after about 16 the thought started sounding appealing to me, and by age 19, I had full blown baby-fever....which has never gone away. I've always enjoyed kids, and have always looked forward to having my own. Not even just the idea of having kids, but the whole experience of being pregnant, having the kids, raising them, seeing them grow up....it's something I've imagined on a daily basis for some time now. I think it stems back to how much my mom loved me, and I want to pass that on to a child of my own.
But on the side, I've always dreamed of working with volcanoes. I read my first book about Mount St. Helens when I was eight years old, and I was hooked. My mom and I would go to the library every three weeks, and I would max out my limit with all the books about volcanoes and earthquakes that I could, and actually did read them all. I don't remember a lot of them, but I remember the passion growing. Over the years, I always assumed I wasn't smart enough to study volcanology; I was good in math, but not that good; I was good in science, but could never hope to get that far in science. I was never pushed, never encouraged, and never told that if that's what I wanted to do, I could find a way to do it. So when I entered high school, I chose to study what I needed to to be a teacher and stuck with that most of the way through. Volcanoes always stayed in the back of my mind, and I monitored volcanic activity around the world on my own time, but studying volcanology wasn't even on the table.
When I graduated high school, I did the most idiotic thing anyone can do; I stayed in the horrible town I grew up in for a guy. A man who promised me the world, and ended up breaking my heart. Typical. But before the heartbreak, I experienced other changes. I started at COS (our community college) as a business major, hoping to learn the ins and outs of business so I could assist in building a church with this person. As the year went on, I started noticing my love for sewing. So I changed majors, and started taking clothing design classes. Although I liked all that, I realized that I didn't necessarily want to go into clothing design (as this would take me away from said promised life I was supposed to have with said person), I chose to pursue a theatre arts degree with a concentration in costume design.....which is what I was encouraged to do, to help said hypothetical church we were going to start, with said person. He encouraged me in all of this so we could have this imaginary life we were working on. Well, then the inevitable happened, and he moved on and now has that life with someone else. I was left with a broken heart, a "dream" that I didn't even realize wasn't mine, and a sewing machine I could even sit at without breaking down. I was in shambles, with the only guarantee in my life being that I worked for Starbucks, and was damn good at my job, good enough that even after only six months, I was being considered for a supervisor position. I started considering what I wanted to do again, and actually looked into volcanology even then. Having been in such a serious relationship that I was literally planning my wedding and thinking about life umpteen years in the future, I was feeling very old at the time, and the prospect of being at COS for another three years just to finish math, science and my general ed was not something I wanted to do. In my mind, I didn't have enough time to do that in my lifetime. I had missed my chance, and could never hope to achieve that. Not to mention that with all the shit going on in my life at the time, my self worth was at an all time low, and I didn't think I was intelligent enough to do anything short of walking, and knew that I would just fail all those classes anyway, so why bother, right? So I stuck to Starbucks and the knowledge that I would soon be in a leadership position.
Well, that was the year the economy failed, miserably, and Starbucks suffered a hiring/promotion freeze. We shut down over 1,000 stores that year, and thousands of people lost their jobs. No promotion there! But I thought that was what I wanted, and I decided that since I was good at what I did, I might as well go as far as I could. So I changed my major to communication so I could better understand customer service and relations.
This was the first good decision I had made since high school, and one of the few I don't regret.
Last summer, I finally moved up in the company, and the company moved down on my list of things I wanted to accomplish. Please don't get me wrong; I love the company I work for. As a "bottom of the food chain" citizen in the workforce, I am treated (by my company, NOT the public) very well and they take very good care of me. BUT I quickly realized that it was not what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.
This last October, I was facing a very serious problem; I knew already that Starbucks was not what I wanted to do for the next forty years. But I had gotten so comfortable and so confident in that decision that if not Starbucks, than....what? Communication was what I was good at. Customer service was what I was good at. But I was longing for something more, something that I could test myself with and achieve something difficult. I started praying and seriously thinking about what I wanted. I knew in my heart that I am someone who in always eager to learn. I'm curious about everything, and I wanted to learn as much as I could, whether it be science, math, astronomy, art, language, etc. But what was I good at? Well, I knew that I had never had less than an A in a science or math class, and I wasn't very good in many other things. (When I say good, I mean I wasn't the best....this tends to be my mindset.) Then it hit me like a punch in the face. What about volcanology? I've always loved it, always been fascinated in it, and always wanted to do it. Why the hell not? So I started looking into it, and decided once again that I was too old that that ship had set sail way too long ago. It wasn't until I was visiting Santa Cruz with my friend that I realized I could do this. She had a couple of friends that were (ironically enough) geology majors, that were both older than I was when they started at UCSC, and were going to be graduating that year. I realized, if they can do it, why can't I?
As soon as we got home, I signed up for trigonometry, which was the first of many pre-req's I'd need to take to do this thing.
I've told several people this, and it remains true now: I've never in my life been more excited about the career choice I've finally made. I can't wait to get to even just next semester when I get to take chemistry, precalculus and geology. If my mind isn't constantly being challenged, I feel like its dying a little, so the anticipation for learning these things I'm actually interested in is crazy. I CAN'T WAIT!! It's like I finally feel like I'm doing what I was meant to do from the beginning.
This was the second decision I've made since high school that wasn't wrong, and that I haven't regretted once.
But, in researching and realizing the reality of what it is I'm about to embark on, I started realizing other things too. And this is where people tell me I'm insane, but I truthfully don't think I am.
In pursuing geology, I'm accepting that I may have to give up those other two things I've dreamed about my whole life; marriage and children. Volcanology is not exactly a "have a career and still have dinner on the table by six" thing. It involves traveling all over the world, doing dangerous things, and coming home when either a) the volcano is done erupting or b) the volcano decides not to erupt. It involves lots of time away from home, husband and kids. Most volcanologists, for this reason, either marry within the career or don't marry at all. I started thinking about just teaching geology. Teaching has always been something I've been good at. But....I'm not sure that would be enough for me.
This is where assumptions take hold of my thought process; I've always dreamed of wanting to be a mom. But, men aren't interested in women who want to be moms. Men want women who are independent enough to do their own thing, but dependent enough to be a wife. If that woman just happens to want to be a mom too, cool! If not, I don't really think men care that much. So a career is a must. Okay, well, I have a potential career at Starbucks....but lets be real. What man wants a woman who has a career at Starbucks, who isn't a co-dependent man. And what does that say about me? That I was willing to settle for pulling shots, steaming milk and blending diabetes inducing beverages...just so I can get married and have kids? What type of message would that send to my children, that their mom gave up what she wanted to do just so she could have them? I would never be able to convince them that they are good enough for their dreams.
The reality is this; these three very core dreams have been in my life as long as I can remember. I can't remember a time when they weren't. But the harsh reality is that I can't have my cake and eat it too. Of the three desires of my heart, the things I want the most, I'm going to have to give up something to have another. The world we live in doesn't allow for "moms" to be a career (and that's not even saying I want to have that as my only thing) anymore. And I think I've found what I have to do to have life "fulfillment." It breaks my heart to accept that I may indeed have to give up a happily ever after in order to do what I want to do. But it has become a reality I have to face.
I guess the next step is dealing with the reality the right way....which I'm not known for.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Learning to Fly
I read an article recently about one of the coolest wildlife discoveries I think I've ever heard of. It's about the wildlife of Antarctica, and their survival techniques. Most of the living creatures in Antarctica are microscopic creatures that survive using cool tricks only God could think of. Anyway, one of the creatures is a nemotode worm. In Antarctica, which is already the coldest place on Earth, the winters are severely cold and dry, which are not good conditions for even these native Arctic creatures to live. So what they do is expel all the water out of themselves ("essentially freeze-drying themselves" as the article says) for the winter, and just float around kind of in a comatose state until the winter leaves and they are able to come to moisture again. Once the moisture returns to the air, they soak up the water like a sponge and basically revive themselves again. Uh, that's kind of incredible and awesome. (If your a nerd like me and want to read the article, it's:http://www.ouramazingplanet.com/2177-weird-wildlife-real-animals-antarctica-penguins.html)
Now, in times like right now, that's kind of how I feel; like there really isn't anything going on right now, and I'm just floating along. I've done absolutely nothing with my educational career, I've changed my major, oh, six times? Seven? Now I finally found something that I've wanted to do my whole life, I just figured it out too late and it's taking baby steps to get there.
My high school had its graduation the other night. It made me realize that I've been out of high school for five years...and done absolutely NOTHING with my life. I changed jobs and was saved from making the biggest mistake of my life....but for four years now, I've been doing the exact same thing: working at Starbucks, taking classes, figuring out what to do next. I've wasted the equivalent of what a high school or (normal) college student spends doing what they're supposed to be doing....and the whole time I've been sitting on my ass doing...NOTHING. And it all leads back to that one single, stupid decision I made when I graduated: Not to take out student loans, go to COS and all that other crap that went on. I "followed my heart" and "went after my dreams" and where did it get me? Living on my own, working at Starbucks, taking yet even more classes at COS and not even going to a real school. I was talking to someone about my class I just finished, and they made the comment that it didn't even sound like a real accredited college course. Well, of course not. It's COS. It's as though I've spent the last ten years in high school.
When they asked us in our senior year where we saw ourselves in five years, I said married with a college degree living down in LA. Um.....not one of those things is even close to being accurate, obviously. I feel like one of those worms in the arctic; just floating along, waiting for the winter to be over and to be able to feel alive again. But it seriously feels like this winter of my life is never going to end. I've been waiting for God's plan...for five years. This can't seriously be all there is, right?
Now, in times like right now, that's kind of how I feel; like there really isn't anything going on right now, and I'm just floating along. I've done absolutely nothing with my educational career, I've changed my major, oh, six times? Seven? Now I finally found something that I've wanted to do my whole life, I just figured it out too late and it's taking baby steps to get there.
My high school had its graduation the other night. It made me realize that I've been out of high school for five years...and done absolutely NOTHING with my life. I changed jobs and was saved from making the biggest mistake of my life....but for four years now, I've been doing the exact same thing: working at Starbucks, taking classes, figuring out what to do next. I've wasted the equivalent of what a high school or (normal) college student spends doing what they're supposed to be doing....and the whole time I've been sitting on my ass doing...NOTHING. And it all leads back to that one single, stupid decision I made when I graduated: Not to take out student loans, go to COS and all that other crap that went on. I "followed my heart" and "went after my dreams" and where did it get me? Living on my own, working at Starbucks, taking yet even more classes at COS and not even going to a real school. I was talking to someone about my class I just finished, and they made the comment that it didn't even sound like a real accredited college course. Well, of course not. It's COS. It's as though I've spent the last ten years in high school.
When they asked us in our senior year where we saw ourselves in five years, I said married with a college degree living down in LA. Um.....not one of those things is even close to being accurate, obviously. I feel like one of those worms in the arctic; just floating along, waiting for the winter to be over and to be able to feel alive again. But it seriously feels like this winter of my life is never going to end. I've been waiting for God's plan...for five years. This can't seriously be all there is, right?
Monday, April 30, 2012
At a Crossroad
I'm finding myself at a serious crossroad right now. It occurred to me a couple of weeks ago that the reality of things, considering the economic climate and the state of the California college system, is that I may not in fact be able to finish school next year. Which to me, means yet one more failure to add to my list. The hard part of this is, as much as I'm grateful to have a job at least, I can't stand being there anymore. Starbucks has been my home for four years, but I really can't stand being there anymore.
My manager sat me down a couple of weeks ago and told me that she wants to start preparing me for an assistant store manager (ASM) position as soon as the summer gets started. According to her, this doesn't necessarily mean I'd be promoting in the next 6 months, but it means I'd be taking the necessary steps to start putting my name on the plate of potentials around the district so other managers know who is who in the district. At the time, I told her that, as much as I'm honored that I could even do such a thing, that my main focus in life is to finish school. But as I look at this looming possibility of not transferring next year, I can't help but consider taking it.
Here is my catch-22 though; If I take a job as an ASM, assuming one comes up, this means I work a guaranteed 40-hour work week, with a range of shifts primarily as a mid-shift (9-5). There goes my options of going to school, whenever that may be. On the other hand, I could just stay a shift and while my life away doing the same thing as I do now, hating every minute of....like I do now.
The other option is to find a better job. By now, I would hope that I'm qualified for a 9-5 job that I could not necessarily enjoy, but just do. But once again, there goes my chance of finishing school. Which once again, leaves Starbucks as my only option.
But Starbucks is a joke. It's not a career, its a "bottom of the foodchain" job. As one of my co-workers said yesterday, "Instead of flipping burgers, we pull shots." Which is so true. And I'm nothing as long as I work at Starbucks.
But who knows, things may turn around and Fresno or Sacramento may end up accepting transfer applicants and I may get to finally have my college education.
This is the part where I have to turn it over to God, something I'm not good at. I like "being in control" because I know that I can decide how things turn out. But who am I kidding, we are never in control. God always is. But he desires for us to trust him with it regardless. In all circumstances. Which as a human, I seriously suck at.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
What if God says no again?
It has occurred to me over and over through the years that God tends to say no in order to create new opportunities. To be completely honest, I have yet to see the opportunities, and have never really reacted the correct way I knew I was supposed to; I've always acted the way I thought would make the disappointment go away. In the end, there is only a handful of decisions I've made in the last five years that I haven't regretted.
In the last few months, I've found a lot of direction to what I am supposed to do, or, at least what I think I'm supposed to do. After being a shift supervisor for a year now, I couldn't hate my job any more. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do, but I hate my job. I started looking into what it would take for me to do what I've wanted to do since I was a child; studying volcanology. Since I was eight years old, I've been slightly obsessed with volcanoes. No reason why, I just have. So I started looking at schools, majors, and timeframes. There are plenty of schools that offer a geology degree, and there are plenty of opportunities to consider. I bunkered down and did what I do best; I made a plan, and I've been sticking to it.
Then this last week, it hit me; what if God says no again? What if I apply to Fresno State, and once again, they are closed to transfers? That means yet another year added to my plan, another year not doing what I wanted to do, and another year working at a job that offers no rewards, no future, and no respect. What am I going to do??
To be completely honest, I have no idea what I'm going to do. I do, however, know how I'm going to react. I'm going to trust God that he has a better plan that will hopefully come out sooner than later. I'm going to react in the way no one expects me to, because no one has ever seen me react the way I am supposed to.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Inspiration From Above
I just finished a book study at my church called Sun Stand Still. The book was mainly about having faith to fulfill your wildest God-sent dream, otherwise known as a "Page 23 Vision" or a "Sun Stand Still prayer." At the beginning of the book, I was a having a very hard time finding anything that was even remotely close to what this could mean. I haven't been very straight and narrow the last year, so why should I think God doesn't want to start form square one with me again? It would take a lot more faith than what I had to do anything as great as Steven talked about in the book.
But that's where I was wrong. A couple of weeks ago, I was talking to a friend after the study and we started talking. I was telling her about something I used to do, something that was my way of serving our local mission field. I've always been passionate about local missions, serving the local community, and helping those who are around us every day, whether we know them or not. I started telling her about an abandoned project I had once, and told her I had to let the vision die because no one had wanted to be part of it. To my utmost surprise, she showed a ton of interest! She got instantly excited about it, and told me that she had been wanting to learn how to do this, and that she would love to learn as soon as she and I were both done with this semester so we would have time. Of course I was excited, and to my surprise again, another one of our friends heard us talking about it and showed her interest as well! I couldn't believe it, but I figured it would just be a casual thing and we would learn and that would be that. But then my friend started sending me texts about how she couldn't wait to do this thing once we had time!
This small interaction between us got me thinking though; what if this is my Page 23 vision? I had this vision four years ago, but it never went anywhere permanently. But I felt so incredibly called to it back then, and I still feel called to it, so why not start trying to do it again?
So that leads me to tonight. Over the past week, I've been praying about it and looking to God for the answers, and I think my Page 23 vision is this: To start Bundles of Hope again. For those of you who don't know what that is, well, go to the site and read about it! In a nutshell, I learned how to knit hats on a loom about 5 years ago. Over the next year, I began to see that I could in fact use this skill as a tool to serve God. One fateful night, I happened to mention this to my friend, and she immediately turned around and introduced me to the person who would help me make my vision a reality. Over the next couple of months, friends of mine from my church and a few other people here and there made over 380 hats to give to the homeless and less fortunate. About a year ago, I had to give up on it. No one wanted to participate really, and in reality, I was neither in spirit or had the time to head it up anymore.
I still feel the calling to pursue this as strongly as I did four years ago when I started this. I don't know what will happen, who will join, or how many people we will reach. But I do know that, for now, this is my Page 23 vision; to continue Bundles of Hope and have total faith in God that he will bless it and prosper it if he so chooses.
If you want to check it out, the website is: bundlesofhope.blogspot.com
But that's where I was wrong. A couple of weeks ago, I was talking to a friend after the study and we started talking. I was telling her about something I used to do, something that was my way of serving our local mission field. I've always been passionate about local missions, serving the local community, and helping those who are around us every day, whether we know them or not. I started telling her about an abandoned project I had once, and told her I had to let the vision die because no one had wanted to be part of it. To my utmost surprise, she showed a ton of interest! She got instantly excited about it, and told me that she had been wanting to learn how to do this, and that she would love to learn as soon as she and I were both done with this semester so we would have time. Of course I was excited, and to my surprise again, another one of our friends heard us talking about it and showed her interest as well! I couldn't believe it, but I figured it would just be a casual thing and we would learn and that would be that. But then my friend started sending me texts about how she couldn't wait to do this thing once we had time!
This small interaction between us got me thinking though; what if this is my Page 23 vision? I had this vision four years ago, but it never went anywhere permanently. But I felt so incredibly called to it back then, and I still feel called to it, so why not start trying to do it again?
So that leads me to tonight. Over the past week, I've been praying about it and looking to God for the answers, and I think my Page 23 vision is this: To start Bundles of Hope again. For those of you who don't know what that is, well, go to the site and read about it! In a nutshell, I learned how to knit hats on a loom about 5 years ago. Over the next year, I began to see that I could in fact use this skill as a tool to serve God. One fateful night, I happened to mention this to my friend, and she immediately turned around and introduced me to the person who would help me make my vision a reality. Over the next couple of months, friends of mine from my church and a few other people here and there made over 380 hats to give to the homeless and less fortunate. About a year ago, I had to give up on it. No one wanted to participate really, and in reality, I was neither in spirit or had the time to head it up anymore.
I still feel the calling to pursue this as strongly as I did four years ago when I started this. I don't know what will happen, who will join, or how many people we will reach. But I do know that, for now, this is my Page 23 vision; to continue Bundles of Hope and have total faith in God that he will bless it and prosper it if he so chooses.
If you want to check it out, the website is: bundlesofhope.blogspot.com
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
A New Chapter
The last six weeks or so have been amazing. They have been a time of transformation beyond my wildest dreams. At the beginning of the year, I started feeling as though I hadn't completely lost myself, like I could find the me I used to be again. At the beginning of February, my dad preached at church, and I finally got a Sunday off of work to get to go. I can't explain why, because no preaching had even started, and, to the best of my knowledge, worship hadn't either. But, I just felt....convicted, but with hope; hope, for the first time in years that I could be me again...that I could find the me I used to be when I was closest to God. I shook of the feeling and opened my bulletin. Inside, there was a flyer for sign ups for a book study called "Sun Stand Still". I had never heard of the book before, but I thought "hey, why not? I haven't been in a book study in a long time. This is something I wouldn't mind doing." So I signed up. I had no idea what I was in for.
This book covers everything about audacious faith and what it means to dream, what it means to lose a dream, what it means to pray with audacity and ask God for things that only HE can provide. It deals with impossible dreams, which, reflecting on about five years ago for me, I used to believe in. But that all changed for me. This book has been such a blessing for me. It has made me deal with literally every single issue I've refused to deal with myself; all the issues I've shoved under the rug, all the issues others have tried to talk through with me, all the issues I knew were lies but refused to push them aside and believe what I knew to be true. This book has been a journey of the soul. When I started it just six weeks ago, I was a scared, angry and bitter woman who didn't know why she signed up for yet one more thing that was just going to dive into her past and bring up, what I thought at the time, the bad stuff. But this book has brought me hope; it's brought me faith; and best of all, it's brought me dreams again. I've learned how to pray better, to believe more faithfully, and to wait (patiently?) for God to move, no matter which way He moves or if He doesn't even move at all. On top of all that, the relationships I've built through this study have changed my life. Ever since leaving New Hope four years ago, I've made little to no lasting relationships in the various church groups I've been in. I've tried and tried, but nothing ever clicked. I have the privilege of having friends again, of knowing that I'm not alone at my church, and that I can pray with these people, be honest with them, and ask them for help if and when I need it.
I didn't know that a book could transform my life. A couple of weeks ago, I closed one chapter of life with a very final "bang" to it, and I refuse to look back. I can only hope that I'm opening a brand new chapter, filled with endless possibilities and inevitably...life. I can't wait to see what God has in store. I hope and pray that He has a plan for me that follows a little with my hopes, but I guess that's where audacious faith and prayer comes in. But in the end, I know God will come through no matter what....I BELIEVE now that God will have a beautiful plan laid out for my life, and no matter what, it will be better than anything I "plan" for myself.
God is amazing.
This book covers everything about audacious faith and what it means to dream, what it means to lose a dream, what it means to pray with audacity and ask God for things that only HE can provide. It deals with impossible dreams, which, reflecting on about five years ago for me, I used to believe in. But that all changed for me. This book has been such a blessing for me. It has made me deal with literally every single issue I've refused to deal with myself; all the issues I've shoved under the rug, all the issues others have tried to talk through with me, all the issues I knew were lies but refused to push them aside and believe what I knew to be true. This book has been a journey of the soul. When I started it just six weeks ago, I was a scared, angry and bitter woman who didn't know why she signed up for yet one more thing that was just going to dive into her past and bring up, what I thought at the time, the bad stuff. But this book has brought me hope; it's brought me faith; and best of all, it's brought me dreams again. I've learned how to pray better, to believe more faithfully, and to wait (patiently?) for God to move, no matter which way He moves or if He doesn't even move at all. On top of all that, the relationships I've built through this study have changed my life. Ever since leaving New Hope four years ago, I've made little to no lasting relationships in the various church groups I've been in. I've tried and tried, but nothing ever clicked. I have the privilege of having friends again, of knowing that I'm not alone at my church, and that I can pray with these people, be honest with them, and ask them for help if and when I need it.
I didn't know that a book could transform my life. A couple of weeks ago, I closed one chapter of life with a very final "bang" to it, and I refuse to look back. I can only hope that I'm opening a brand new chapter, filled with endless possibilities and inevitably...life. I can't wait to see what God has in store. I hope and pray that He has a plan for me that follows a little with my hopes, but I guess that's where audacious faith and prayer comes in. But in the end, I know God will come through no matter what....I BELIEVE now that God will have a beautiful plan laid out for my life, and no matter what, it will be better than anything I "plan" for myself.
God is amazing.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Scary Faith
A couple of weeks ago, I went to church for the first time in a while, not because I've been purposely staying away, but because I've been opening on Sundays. It was refreshing, and I wasn't expecting anything other than just to go to church like I do whenever I go to church, and leave with nothing more than I came in with. But this Sunday, I felt moved, for the first time in ages, to do something more than just Sunday morning. There was a sign up sheet for small groups, for the book "Sun Stand Still" by Steven Furtick. I had never heard of the book, but it looked intriguing. So I looked at the sheet, picked a day and signed up. Absolutely blindly, not knowing anything about it other than it was a small group thing.
I can say without any doubt whatsoever, that this may be the hardest book I've ever had to read before. Not because it's a difficult reading level, but it's convicting, scary and challenging. It faces all the things I used to believe so fervently in, all the beliefs I used to actively pray for and about. It is a book about audacious faith; about believing the impossible. Just typing that makes me tear up with anxiety. So much of the last few years have been the result of "believing the impossible" and having that impossible dream blow up in my face.
The first few pages open with Furtick's personal testimony of his church planting and his audacious faith in God that He would see this church through. He speaks of praying to God for the impossible dreams to take place, for the dreams that God has ingrained in us to come true. I can not count how many times in just the first chapter I almost closed the book and didn't open it. I knew that if I really wanted to see this book through, it was going to take some serious faith and prayer.
Five years ago, I can say without a shadow of a doubt was the closest I have ever been to God. Every day was a journey to see what He would have in my life. I believed He had a grand and marvelous plan set aside specifically for me. I believed He had my best interest at heart. I believed in an impossible dream I thought was from God and prayed more fervently than I ever had in my entire life. And God granted that dream…to an extent.
Somewhere along the way, I guess God decided that I shouldn't have that dream. I still don't know why, I still don't know for what reason God took away the one thing I thought I desired above all else. But I'm finally seeing and realizing it was for my own good, and I'm a better person for it. But it's also taken me three and a half years to get to where I am right now, and to realize that if God had followed through with what I thought was his plan, I wouldn't have the friendships I have, the experiences I've had, or learned from the mistakes I've made.
When my dream was first crushed, nearly three and a half years ago to the day, I leaned on God solely for his hand to reach out and bless the situation. When I didn't see what I wanted to see happen, I turned against God, and did everything I could to disappoint myself and those around me, with the hope that God would abandon me and leave me be. But, as He always does with his children, he didn't let me get away that easily. Every week or so, I'd get a text from a friend or pastor, asking how I was or inviting me to church, or simply saying they were praying for me. I usually responded with bits of eye-rolling and a "Yeah, right. God doesn't care about me, why should you?" attitude. But one day, I finally realized that God had not forsaken me, but that he was beside me the entire time. That was about two years ago.
Since then in the past two years, I've gone in and out of "religious" phases. Ultra passionate one day, ultra passive another. Picking and choosing when to be Christian, and choosing more often than not to partake in a life I had never imagined myself living; one of sin and self-destruction. I'll admit that over the last year or so, I've dealt with a tremendous amount of anger, both with God and specific individuals, as well as toeing the line to the point of dancing on it, and eventually running across it. Over the last year specifically, I've made several decisions I'm not proud of, and am entirely ashamed of, as well as sad to admit to.
God really convicted me a couple of weeks ago, not because my dad happened to be preaching that Sunday, and my dad has a way of speaking to me when no one else can, but because I genuinely felt an urge to change my life; to recommit to the life I chose to live years ago. For some reason, that day, it seemed like an "easy" decision.
Opening the pages of this book has been challenging. I actually closed it the first day because I didn't want to hear the words that were being said. I had to spend some time in prayer after that, for courage to keep reading. Part of me wants desperately to believe in impossible dreams again. The other part of me wants to be the cynic I've been prone to be, laugh, close the book and dismiss it as nonsense, with the attitude of "been there, done that, and it turned out to be a load of crap." But I have an unexplainable desire to recommit to my faith, to pursue the dreams I've abandoned, and to live recklessly for Jesus Christ. I guess I've had an awakening of the soul again. I can only pray that this time I'm committed enough to follow through for the rest of my life.
I can say without any doubt whatsoever, that this may be the hardest book I've ever had to read before. Not because it's a difficult reading level, but it's convicting, scary and challenging. It faces all the things I used to believe so fervently in, all the beliefs I used to actively pray for and about. It is a book about audacious faith; about believing the impossible. Just typing that makes me tear up with anxiety. So much of the last few years have been the result of "believing the impossible" and having that impossible dream blow up in my face.
The first few pages open with Furtick's personal testimony of his church planting and his audacious faith in God that He would see this church through. He speaks of praying to God for the impossible dreams to take place, for the dreams that God has ingrained in us to come true. I can not count how many times in just the first chapter I almost closed the book and didn't open it. I knew that if I really wanted to see this book through, it was going to take some serious faith and prayer.
Five years ago, I can say without a shadow of a doubt was the closest I have ever been to God. Every day was a journey to see what He would have in my life. I believed He had a grand and marvelous plan set aside specifically for me. I believed He had my best interest at heart. I believed in an impossible dream I thought was from God and prayed more fervently than I ever had in my entire life. And God granted that dream…to an extent.
Somewhere along the way, I guess God decided that I shouldn't have that dream. I still don't know why, I still don't know for what reason God took away the one thing I thought I desired above all else. But I'm finally seeing and realizing it was for my own good, and I'm a better person for it. But it's also taken me three and a half years to get to where I am right now, and to realize that if God had followed through with what I thought was his plan, I wouldn't have the friendships I have, the experiences I've had, or learned from the mistakes I've made.
When my dream was first crushed, nearly three and a half years ago to the day, I leaned on God solely for his hand to reach out and bless the situation. When I didn't see what I wanted to see happen, I turned against God, and did everything I could to disappoint myself and those around me, with the hope that God would abandon me and leave me be. But, as He always does with his children, he didn't let me get away that easily. Every week or so, I'd get a text from a friend or pastor, asking how I was or inviting me to church, or simply saying they were praying for me. I usually responded with bits of eye-rolling and a "Yeah, right. God doesn't care about me, why should you?" attitude. But one day, I finally realized that God had not forsaken me, but that he was beside me the entire time. That was about two years ago.
Since then in the past two years, I've gone in and out of "religious" phases. Ultra passionate one day, ultra passive another. Picking and choosing when to be Christian, and choosing more often than not to partake in a life I had never imagined myself living; one of sin and self-destruction. I'll admit that over the last year or so, I've dealt with a tremendous amount of anger, both with God and specific individuals, as well as toeing the line to the point of dancing on it, and eventually running across it. Over the last year specifically, I've made several decisions I'm not proud of, and am entirely ashamed of, as well as sad to admit to.
God really convicted me a couple of weeks ago, not because my dad happened to be preaching that Sunday, and my dad has a way of speaking to me when no one else can, but because I genuinely felt an urge to change my life; to recommit to the life I chose to live years ago. For some reason, that day, it seemed like an "easy" decision.
Opening the pages of this book has been challenging. I actually closed it the first day because I didn't want to hear the words that were being said. I had to spend some time in prayer after that, for courage to keep reading. Part of me wants desperately to believe in impossible dreams again. The other part of me wants to be the cynic I've been prone to be, laugh, close the book and dismiss it as nonsense, with the attitude of "been there, done that, and it turned out to be a load of crap." But I have an unexplainable desire to recommit to my faith, to pursue the dreams I've abandoned, and to live recklessly for Jesus Christ. I guess I've had an awakening of the soul again. I can only pray that this time I'm committed enough to follow through for the rest of my life.
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