When I think back on the "good times" of life, I always think about what year it was for me. For example, seventeen was my favorite year. I was right where I wanted to be; coming out of a depression in my life, more active in school than ever, set to go off to college in the fall, and the possibility of so many new adventures. Yes, seventeen was a good year.
Then there was eighteen. I didn't start the year off very great. The day before my eighteenth birthday, my stepmom had planned an amazing surprise party, which, by complete accident, I had found out about. I hate having attention drawn to myself, so I was stressed all that week. I laugh about it now, because I can't believe how freaked out I was by something that most people get so excited about. Never the less, I got into a fender bender on the way home, less than two hours before the party happened. The year went on, and dreams didn't come to pass. I didn't go to Azusa Pacific like I had wanted to, and I didn't get to leave the valley. But other "good" things happened. I started other new adventures here at home, and the year overall was very good.
Nineteen was just awful. I won't go into detail, but it was bad from beginning to end. Twenty was a time of experience. I experienced a lot at that very young age, some I definitely could have done without. Twenty-one started good. I was back at my parents house, had a decent relationship with my whole family, and had reconnected with old friends, some of which I figured I'd never be friends with again.
Then there was twenty-two. I decided to finish my AA at COS and met the last guy I dated. Let me just say that at that time, I was already a little shaky in my faith. I wasn't on a solid foundation, and I wasn't being careful with my practices. He was an atheist, much different than I was. At the time, I didn't think it would change who I was very much, but looking back, by dating him I was really defending what he believed in, and not what I believed in. Needless to say, it didn't work out. We broke up mid-July, and the rest of the year was filled with me being in a very rebellious state of mind. I didn't care what I did, what consequences my actions would cause, and I just stopped caring about a whole lot. All while stepping away from church.
Then I turned twenty-three. In February, I felt convicted of everything I had been doing or even feeling in the last six months, and dedicated myself to a life after Christ again. In the same breath, I moved out on my own and started that particular step into adulthood.
Let's fast-forward to exactly a year ago. I don't know the exact date, but I know the time frame. Around last Fall, we started talking in our small group about trusting God. I had always thought that I already trusted God, but this year particularly, there have been multiple instances where I literally have to get on my knees and humbly ask God for his help because there is simply no way for me to do it on my own. I just want to share a brief timeline of what God has taught me in just the last year:
August 2012: It became very clear to me that I wasn't supposed to be in school anymore. It was almost as though God let me get my AA, and then said "enough." I quit COS, and haven't taken a class since. This is the longest period of time I've been out of school.
October 2012: My grandfather passed away, leaving me with questions about life and death. I realized that death is much more real as an adult, and not necessarily in a bad way. You just start to realize how little time we have on earth to complete our purpose.
February 2013: My relationship with my dad fell apart. Some things were brought to light, sins of years past, and I was left feeling like I couldn't trust anyone. In my mind (and still a little bit, if I'm being completely honest) He is the one man in my life that I can trust, and if I can't trust him anymore, who can I trust? The outcome was that I've learned to trust God as my true father.
March 2013: I decide to go on the Mexico mission trip OVC is going on, even though finances don't really justify it at the time. I started hearing the still small voice, telling me constantly "I will provide."
April 2013: The weekend before I leave to Colorado for vacation, our pastor at OVC announces he is leaving at the end of the month. He was the only pastor I still trusted after all the "church hurt" I'd experienced a few years back, and I had no clue what was going to happen.
May 2013: Broke from my vacation, I'm penny pinching and the inevitable happens. My car breaks down, and is unable to be fixed. Putting complete faith in God, I went to look for a car with the help of my sister's boyfriend, told the dealer a down payment that popped in my head (that I knew I couldn't afford without dipping into my rent money for the month) and got the car. Two days later, my sister's boyfriend sold my poor broken down car to a junk yard for $50 more than what I had had to dip into my rent money with. God came through 100%, and I even came out on top! What a blessing!
June 2013: I went on the Mexico mission trip, where it was made very clear to me that I want to live my life doing mission work, whether locally or foreign. It was more clarification, as I had already been thinking about this for a while. But it couldn't have been more clear.
July 2013: My church announces that they are shutting the doors. I was devastated and heartbroken. I didn't want to be in the "church-shopping" phase again. I've been there before, and since it's just me, it's surprisingly more difficult. But I just prayed. And trusted. And God pretty much dropped the perfect, orchestrated scenario into my lap, thus bringing me to the church I now call home.
Twenty-four has been an exciting year. As you can see, it's been eventful. But I've seriously learned SO MUCH. It hasn't ended. But the main thing I've learned is when I completely trust God to provide, he provides much more than I can even imagine in my tiny human brain. It's called "scarey faith" for a reason. Trusting is hard, but usually when we trust, God blows us away and creates an even more beautiful scenario than we thought to ask.
Provers 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take."
Matthew 7:7-8 "Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened."
James 1:5-8 "If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do."
