At a Crossroad

I'm finding myself at a serious crossroad right now. It occurred to me a couple of weeks ago that the reality of things, considering the economic climate and the state of the California college system, is that I may not in fact be able to finish school next year. Which to me, means yet one more failure to add to my list. The hard part of this is, as much as I'm grateful to have a job at least, I can't stand being there anymore. Starbucks has been my home for four years, but I really can't stand being there anymore. My manager sat me down a couple of weeks ago and told me that she wants to start preparing me for an assistant store manager (ASM) position as soon as the summer gets started. According to her, this doesn't necessarily mean I'd be promoting in the next 6 months, but it means I'd be taking the necessary steps to start putting my name on the plate of potentials around the district so other managers know who is who in the district. At the time, I told her that, as much as I'm honored that I could even do such a thing, that my main focus in life is to finish school. But as I look at this looming possibility of not transferring next year, I can't help but consider taking it. Here is my catch-22 though; If I take a job as an ASM, assuming one comes up, this means I work a guaranteed 40-hour work week, with a range of shifts primarily as a mid-shift (9-5). There goes my options of going to school, whenever that may be. On the other hand, I could just stay a shift and while my life away doing the same thing as I do now, hating every minute of....like I do now. The other option is to find a better job. By now, I would hope that I'm qualified for a 9-5 job that I could not necessarily enjoy, but just do. But once again, there goes my chance of finishing school. Which once again, leaves Starbucks as my only option. But Starbucks is a joke. It's not a career, its a "bottom of the foodchain" job. As one of my co-workers said yesterday, "Instead of flipping burgers, we pull shots." Which is so true. And I'm nothing as long as I work at Starbucks. But who knows, things may turn around and Fresno or Sacramento may end up accepting transfer applicants and I may get to finally have my college education. This is the part where I have to turn it over to God, something I'm not good at. I like "being in control" because I know that I can decide how things turn out. But who am I kidding, we are never in control. God always is. But he desires for us to trust him with it regardless. In all circumstances. Which as a human, I seriously suck at.

What if God says no again?

It has occurred to me over and over through the years that God tends to say no in order to create new opportunities. To be completely honest, I have yet to see the opportunities, and have never really reacted the correct way I knew I was supposed to; I've always acted the way I thought would make the disappointment go away. In the end, there is only a handful of decisions I've made in the last five years that I haven't regretted. In the last few months, I've found a lot of direction to what I am supposed to do, or, at least what I think I'm supposed to do. After being a shift supervisor for a year now, I couldn't hate my job any more. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do, but I hate my job. I started looking into what it would take for me to do what I've wanted to do since I was a child; studying volcanology. Since I was eight years old, I've been slightly obsessed with volcanoes. No reason why, I just have. So I started looking at schools, majors, and timeframes. There are plenty of schools that offer a geology degree, and there are plenty of opportunities to consider. I bunkered down and did what I do best; I made a plan, and I've been sticking to it. Then this last week, it hit me; what if God says no again? What if I apply to Fresno State, and once again, they are closed to transfers? That means yet another year added to my plan, another year not doing what I wanted to do, and another year working at a job that offers no rewards, no future, and no respect. What am I going to do?? To be completely honest, I have no idea what I'm going to do. I do, however, know how I'm going to react. I'm going to trust God that he has a better plan that will hopefully come out sooner than later. I'm going to react in the way no one expects me to, because no one has ever seen me react the way I am supposed to.

Inspiration From Above

I just finished a book study at my church called Sun Stand Still. The book was mainly about having faith to fulfill your wildest God-sent dream, otherwise known as a "Page 23 Vision" or a "Sun Stand Still prayer." At the beginning of the book, I was a having a very hard time finding anything that was even remotely close to what this could mean. I haven't been very straight and narrow the last year, so why should I think God doesn't want to start form square one with me again? It would take a lot more faith than what I had to do anything as great as Steven talked about in the book.

But that's where I was wrong. A couple of weeks ago, I was talking to a friend after the study and we started talking. I was telling her about something I used to do, something that was my way of serving our local mission field. I've always been passionate about local missions, serving the local community, and helping those who are around us every day, whether we know them or not. I started telling her about an abandoned project I had once, and told her I had to let the vision die because no one had wanted to be part of it. To my utmost surprise, she showed a ton of interest! She got instantly excited about it, and told me that she had been wanting to learn how to do this, and that she would love to learn as soon as she and I were both done with this semester so we would have time. Of course I was excited, and to my surprise again, another one of our friends heard us talking about it and showed her interest as well! I couldn't believe it, but I figured it would just be a casual thing and we would learn and that would be that. But then my friend started sending me texts about how she couldn't wait to do this thing once we had time!

This small interaction between us got me thinking though; what if this is my Page 23 vision? I had this vision four years ago, but it never went anywhere permanently. But I felt so incredibly called to it back then, and I still feel called to it, so why not start trying to do it again?

So that leads me to tonight. Over the past week, I've been praying about it and looking to God for the answers, and I think my Page 23 vision is this: To start Bundles of Hope again. For those of you who don't know what that is, well, go to the site and read about it! In a nutshell, I learned how to knit hats on a loom about 5 years ago. Over the next year, I began to see that I could in fact use this skill as a tool to serve God. One fateful night, I happened to mention this to my friend, and she immediately turned around and introduced me to the person who would help me make my vision a reality. Over the next couple of months, friends of mine from my church and a few other people here and there made over 380 hats to give to the homeless and less fortunate. About a year ago, I had to give up on it. No one wanted to participate really, and in reality, I was neither in spirit or had the time to head it up anymore.

I still feel the calling to pursue this as strongly as I did four years ago when I started this. I don't know what will happen, who will join, or how many people we will reach. But I do know that, for now, this is my Page 23 vision; to continue Bundles of Hope and have total faith in God that he will bless it and prosper it if he so chooses.

If you want to check it out, the website is: bundlesofhope.blogspot.com

A New Chapter

The last six weeks or so have been amazing. They have been a time of transformation beyond my wildest dreams. At the beginning of the year, I started feeling as though I hadn't completely lost myself, like I could find the me I used to be again. At the beginning of February, my dad preached at church, and I finally got a Sunday off of work to get to go. I can't explain why, because no preaching had even started, and, to the best of my knowledge, worship hadn't either. But, I just felt....convicted, but with hope; hope, for the first time in years that I could be me again...that I could find the me I used to be when I was closest to God. I shook of the feeling and opened my bulletin. Inside, there was a flyer for sign ups for a book study called "Sun Stand Still". I had never heard of the book before, but I thought "hey, why not? I haven't been in a book study in a long time. This is something I wouldn't mind doing." So I signed up. I had no idea what I was in for.

This book covers everything about audacious faith and what it means to dream, what it means to lose a dream, what it means to pray with audacity and ask God for things that only HE can provide. It deals with impossible dreams, which, reflecting on about five years ago for me, I used to believe in. But that all changed for me. This book has been such a blessing for me. It has made me deal with literally every single issue I've refused to deal with myself; all the issues I've shoved under the rug, all the issues others have tried to talk through with me, all the issues I knew were lies but refused to push them aside and believe what I knew to be true. This book has been a journey of the soul. When I started it just six weeks ago, I was a scared, angry and bitter woman who didn't know why she signed up for yet one more thing that was just going to dive into her past and bring up, what I thought at the time, the bad stuff. But this book has brought me hope; it's brought me faith; and best of all, it's brought me dreams again. I've learned how to pray better, to believe more faithfully, and to wait (patiently?) for God to move, no matter which way He moves or if He doesn't even move at all. On top of all that, the relationships I've built through this study have changed my life. Ever since leaving New Hope four years ago, I've made little to no lasting relationships in the various church groups I've been in. I've tried and tried, but nothing ever clicked. I have the privilege of having friends again, of knowing that I'm not alone at my church, and that I can pray with these people, be honest with them, and ask them for help if and when I need it.

I didn't know that a book could transform my life. A couple of weeks ago, I closed one chapter of life with a very final "bang" to it, and I refuse to look back. I can only hope that I'm opening a brand new chapter, filled with endless possibilities and inevitably...life. I can't wait to see what God has in store. I hope and pray that He has a plan for me that follows a little with my hopes, but I guess that's where audacious faith and prayer comes in. But in the end, I know God will come through no matter what....I BELIEVE now that God will have a beautiful plan laid out for my life, and no matter what, it will be better than anything I "plan" for myself.

God is amazing.

Scary Faith

A couple of weeks ago, I went to church for the first time in a while, not because I've been purposely staying away, but because I've been opening on Sundays. It was refreshing, and I wasn't expecting anything other than just to go to church like I do whenever I go to church, and leave with nothing more than I came in with. But this Sunday, I felt moved, for the first time in ages, to do something more than just Sunday morning. There was a sign up sheet for small groups, for the book "Sun Stand Still" by Steven Furtick. I had never heard of the book, but it looked intriguing. So I looked at the sheet, picked a day and signed up. Absolutely blindly, not knowing anything about it other than it was a small group thing.

I can say without any doubt whatsoever, that this may be the hardest book I've ever had to read before. Not because it's a difficult reading level, but it's convicting, scary and challenging. It faces all the things I used to believe so fervently in, all the beliefs I used to actively pray for and about. It is a book about audacious faith; about believing the impossible. Just typing that makes me tear up with anxiety. So much of the last few years have been the result of "believing the impossible" and having that impossible dream blow up in my face.

The first few pages open with Furtick's personal testimony of his church planting and his audacious faith in God that He would see this church through. He speaks of praying to God for the impossible dreams to take place, for the dreams that God has ingrained in us to come true. I can not count how many times in just the first chapter I almost closed the book and didn't open it. I knew that if I really wanted to see this book through, it was going to take some serious faith and prayer.

Five years ago, I can say without a shadow of a doubt was the closest I have ever been to God. Every day was a journey to see what He would have in my life. I believed He had a grand and marvelous plan set aside specifically for me. I believed He had my best interest at heart. I believed in an impossible dream I thought was from God and prayed more fervently than I ever had in my entire life. And God granted that dream…to an extent.

Somewhere along the way, I guess God decided that I shouldn't have that dream. I still don't know why, I still don't know for what reason God took away the one thing I thought I desired above all else. But I'm finally seeing and realizing it was for my own good, and I'm a better person for it. But it's also taken me three and a half years to get to where I am right now, and to realize that if God had followed through with what I thought was his plan, I wouldn't have the friendships I have, the experiences I've had, or learned from the mistakes I've made.

When my dream was first crushed, nearly three and a half years ago to the day, I leaned on God solely for his hand to reach out and bless the situation. When I didn't see what I wanted to see happen, I turned against God, and did everything I could to disappoint myself and those around me, with the hope that God would abandon me and leave me be. But, as He always does with his children, he didn't let me get away that easily. Every week or so, I'd get a text from a friend or pastor, asking how I was or inviting me to church, or simply saying they were praying for me. I usually responded with bits of eye-rolling and a "Yeah, right. God doesn't care about me, why should you?" attitude. But one day, I finally realized that God had not forsaken me, but that he was beside me the entire time. That was about two years ago.

Since then in the past two years, I've gone in and out of "religious" phases. Ultra passionate one day, ultra passive another. Picking and choosing when to be Christian, and choosing more often than not to partake in a life I had never imagined myself living; one of sin and self-destruction. I'll admit that over the last year or so, I've dealt with a tremendous amount of anger, both with God and specific individuals, as well as toeing the line to the point of dancing on it, and eventually running across it. Over the last year specifically, I've made several decisions I'm not proud of, and am entirely ashamed of, as well as sad to admit to.

God really convicted me a couple of weeks ago, not because my dad happened to be preaching that Sunday, and my dad has a way of speaking to me when no one else can, but because I genuinely felt an urge to change my life; to recommit to the life I chose to live years ago. For some reason, that day, it seemed like an "easy" decision.

Opening the pages of this book has been challenging. I actually closed it the first day because I didn't want to hear the words that were being said. I had to spend some time in prayer after that, for courage to keep reading. Part of me wants desperately to believe in impossible dreams again. The other part of me wants to be the cynic I've been prone to be, laugh, close the book and dismiss it as nonsense, with the attitude of "been there, done that, and it turned out to be a load of crap." But I have an unexplainable desire to recommit to my faith, to pursue the dreams I've abandoned, and to live recklessly for Jesus Christ. I guess I've had an awakening of the soul again. I can only pray that this time I'm committed enough to follow through for the rest of my life.

Love.....or obsession?

In the past few years, I've witnessed and experience different levels of love from the love that seems to be the love of your life, to the love that simply is just for now that you know can never be more. Love can be a beautiful thing, even magical. As the character says from Moulin Rouge "Love is a many splendid thing, love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love. The greatest thing you'll ever know is just to love and be loved in return." Which, in the right circumstances, can be true.

But on the other side of the coin, I've also witnessed heartache, experienced heartache...witnessed cheating, lying, deceit, betrayal.....all components which are NOT a part of "Love." How can you claim to love someone yet find ways to hurt them so deeply? And intentionally?

I've come to the conclusion that love simply does not exist. Sure, people "love" each other, get married, have babies and die old together. But what about those that "love" each other, and after a short amount of time, get divorced, leaving two bitter, cynical, jaded human beings that don't have even a shred of love in them anymore? They claim to be madly in love...yet somehow they could find enough love to keep from royally screwing it up.

This leads me to one thought: love is simply and utterly misinterpreted as obsession. If you look at the world around you, how many people have obsessions/addictions? Each and every human being has an obsession of some sort to some degree. Whether it's a drug, alcohol, sex, money, food, exercise, work.....couldn't love also be described as just an addiction? Or an obsession? Obsessions come and go. How many people do you know that "fall out of love?" The typical response is that love is a choice, not a feeling. Well, duh! But you can choose to stick with it or abandon it. Abuse it, and the whole world will know it.

Obsessions come and go. So does love. I remember the days when I used to believe that love could outlast anything and fix anything. I was rudely awakened into realizing that love really means nothing, and that love is never enough. The world simply doesn't care whether or not it stays true to its word or not. People are heartless, only out for themselves and completely selfish in all its actions. It has simply been ingrained in the minds of humans since the beginning of time that love does not exist. Obsession is all there is, and to believe in such a thing as "love" is pure folly.

Pessimistic outlook? Well, yeah. But it hasn't been proven to me that there is anything more. I've seen marriages come and go, fail and succeed. But how many marriages are happy marriages? How many marriages that are years old are still as happy as they were on the wedding day? Very few..... maybe the obsession just lasted longer.

Prove to me that love actually exists, and maybe I'll change my mind.

But I promise you you can't.

Adaptation

I was having a conversation with my stepmom the other day, in which she made the statement "...you tend to take on the characteristics of the environment around you pretty well..." regarding staying true to my values and myself. It got me started thinking...

Over the years, I've had to learn how to adapt to an environment I've either been tossed into or have chosen to enter, and nine times out of ten, I adapt pretty well. Whether it was going to Arizona for a mission trip; or when I started at Golden West after first being homeschooled and then being at CVC; or when my mom died and I was thrown into a world of chaos beyond my control. I don't know when it was, but sometime in there, I learned how to adapt.

Some of these adaptations have been life altering and mind blowing, some have probably been for the worse, and some have just simply been necessary. But I have to ask myself, have I adapted so much that I don't know who I really am anymore? Have I allowed myself to take on the behaviors and values of those around me to the point that I'm not in there anymore? I ask myself this with full sincerity and hope to find not the answer that I'm looking for to appease me, but the answer that is the absolute truth.

I can't help but wonder about this. Especially in the past three years, I have changed so many political, religious and social views that I must step back and ask if this is really me talking. I believe it is. The political issues I'm willing to stand up for, the things I find necessary to defend my position on, I truly and fully believe they are what I believe and stand by. No one convinced me either one way or the other, and no one told me I was stupid for not believing them. As far as religion, these days, I really don't know what I believe. I stick to the core: what is sin is sin, Jesus died on the cross as a symbol of God's love for his people and resurrected three days later, God loves each and every one of us, and we are on this earth because he decided to bless us with life to give us a piece of what heaven can be like. But other than that? Why even wonder? If it's not going to make a difference in my life, I don't need to worry about it. And in my opinion, its all open to interpretation. Not the key points, but a lot of it.

I think that I've learned to adapt, but I've also learned how to find myself. If I hadn't been in some of the situations I've been in in my life, I definitely wouldn't be the person I am today. I think in learning to cope, survive and blend into my environments, I've been able to find the person who was waiting to come out and be me; I was able to pick the pieces apart and find who I really am, and for once, I can truly say I'm happy with who I am.