The last six weeks or so have been amazing. They have been a time of transformation beyond my wildest dreams. At the beginning of the year, I started feeling as though I hadn't completely lost myself, like I could find the me I used to be again. At the beginning of February, my dad preached at church, and I finally got a Sunday off of work to get to go. I can't explain why, because no preaching had even started, and, to the best of my knowledge, worship hadn't either. But, I just felt....convicted, but with hope; hope, for the first time in years that I could be me again...that I could find the me I used to be when I was closest to God. I shook of the feeling and opened my bulletin. Inside, there was a flyer for sign ups for a book study called "Sun Stand Still". I had never heard of the book before, but I thought "hey, why not? I haven't been in a book study in a long time. This is something I wouldn't mind doing." So I signed up. I had no idea what I was in for.
This book covers everything about audacious faith and what it means to dream, what it means to lose a dream, what it means to pray with audacity and ask God for things that only HE can provide. It deals with impossible dreams, which, reflecting on about five years ago for me, I used to believe in. But that all changed for me. This book has been such a blessing for me. It has made me deal with literally every single issue I've refused to deal with myself; all the issues I've shoved under the rug, all the issues others have tried to talk through with me, all the issues I knew were lies but refused to push them aside and believe what I knew to be true. This book has been a journey of the soul. When I started it just six weeks ago, I was a scared, angry and bitter woman who didn't know why she signed up for yet one more thing that was just going to dive into her past and bring up, what I thought at the time, the bad stuff. But this book has brought me hope; it's brought me faith; and best of all, it's brought me dreams again. I've learned how to pray better, to believe more faithfully, and to wait (patiently?) for God to move, no matter which way He moves or if He doesn't even move at all. On top of all that, the relationships I've built through this study have changed my life. Ever since leaving New Hope four years ago, I've made little to no lasting relationships in the various church groups I've been in. I've tried and tried, but nothing ever clicked. I have the privilege of having friends again, of knowing that I'm not alone at my church, and that I can pray with these people, be honest with them, and ask them for help if and when I need it.
I didn't know that a book could transform my life. A couple of weeks ago, I closed one chapter of life with a very final "bang" to it, and I refuse to look back. I can only hope that I'm opening a brand new chapter, filled with endless possibilities and inevitably...life. I can't wait to see what God has in store. I hope and pray that He has a plan for me that follows a little with my hopes, but I guess that's where audacious faith and prayer comes in. But in the end, I know God will come through no matter what....I BELIEVE now that God will have a beautiful plan laid out for my life, and no matter what, it will be better than anything I "plan" for myself.
God is amazing.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Scary Faith
A couple of weeks ago, I went to church for the first time in a while, not because I've been purposely staying away, but because I've been opening on Sundays. It was refreshing, and I wasn't expecting anything other than just to go to church like I do whenever I go to church, and leave with nothing more than I came in with. But this Sunday, I felt moved, for the first time in ages, to do something more than just Sunday morning. There was a sign up sheet for small groups, for the book "Sun Stand Still" by Steven Furtick. I had never heard of the book, but it looked intriguing. So I looked at the sheet, picked a day and signed up. Absolutely blindly, not knowing anything about it other than it was a small group thing.
I can say without any doubt whatsoever, that this may be the hardest book I've ever had to read before. Not because it's a difficult reading level, but it's convicting, scary and challenging. It faces all the things I used to believe so fervently in, all the beliefs I used to actively pray for and about. It is a book about audacious faith; about believing the impossible. Just typing that makes me tear up with anxiety. So much of the last few years have been the result of "believing the impossible" and having that impossible dream blow up in my face.
The first few pages open with Furtick's personal testimony of his church planting and his audacious faith in God that He would see this church through. He speaks of praying to God for the impossible dreams to take place, for the dreams that God has ingrained in us to come true. I can not count how many times in just the first chapter I almost closed the book and didn't open it. I knew that if I really wanted to see this book through, it was going to take some serious faith and prayer.
Five years ago, I can say without a shadow of a doubt was the closest I have ever been to God. Every day was a journey to see what He would have in my life. I believed He had a grand and marvelous plan set aside specifically for me. I believed He had my best interest at heart. I believed in an impossible dream I thought was from God and prayed more fervently than I ever had in my entire life. And God granted that dream…to an extent.
Somewhere along the way, I guess God decided that I shouldn't have that dream. I still don't know why, I still don't know for what reason God took away the one thing I thought I desired above all else. But I'm finally seeing and realizing it was for my own good, and I'm a better person for it. But it's also taken me three and a half years to get to where I am right now, and to realize that if God had followed through with what I thought was his plan, I wouldn't have the friendships I have, the experiences I've had, or learned from the mistakes I've made.
When my dream was first crushed, nearly three and a half years ago to the day, I leaned on God solely for his hand to reach out and bless the situation. When I didn't see what I wanted to see happen, I turned against God, and did everything I could to disappoint myself and those around me, with the hope that God would abandon me and leave me be. But, as He always does with his children, he didn't let me get away that easily. Every week or so, I'd get a text from a friend or pastor, asking how I was or inviting me to church, or simply saying they were praying for me. I usually responded with bits of eye-rolling and a "Yeah, right. God doesn't care about me, why should you?" attitude. But one day, I finally realized that God had not forsaken me, but that he was beside me the entire time. That was about two years ago.
Since then in the past two years, I've gone in and out of "religious" phases. Ultra passionate one day, ultra passive another. Picking and choosing when to be Christian, and choosing more often than not to partake in a life I had never imagined myself living; one of sin and self-destruction. I'll admit that over the last year or so, I've dealt with a tremendous amount of anger, both with God and specific individuals, as well as toeing the line to the point of dancing on it, and eventually running across it. Over the last year specifically, I've made several decisions I'm not proud of, and am entirely ashamed of, as well as sad to admit to.
God really convicted me a couple of weeks ago, not because my dad happened to be preaching that Sunday, and my dad has a way of speaking to me when no one else can, but because I genuinely felt an urge to change my life; to recommit to the life I chose to live years ago. For some reason, that day, it seemed like an "easy" decision.
Opening the pages of this book has been challenging. I actually closed it the first day because I didn't want to hear the words that were being said. I had to spend some time in prayer after that, for courage to keep reading. Part of me wants desperately to believe in impossible dreams again. The other part of me wants to be the cynic I've been prone to be, laugh, close the book and dismiss it as nonsense, with the attitude of "been there, done that, and it turned out to be a load of crap." But I have an unexplainable desire to recommit to my faith, to pursue the dreams I've abandoned, and to live recklessly for Jesus Christ. I guess I've had an awakening of the soul again. I can only pray that this time I'm committed enough to follow through for the rest of my life.
I can say without any doubt whatsoever, that this may be the hardest book I've ever had to read before. Not because it's a difficult reading level, but it's convicting, scary and challenging. It faces all the things I used to believe so fervently in, all the beliefs I used to actively pray for and about. It is a book about audacious faith; about believing the impossible. Just typing that makes me tear up with anxiety. So much of the last few years have been the result of "believing the impossible" and having that impossible dream blow up in my face.
The first few pages open with Furtick's personal testimony of his church planting and his audacious faith in God that He would see this church through. He speaks of praying to God for the impossible dreams to take place, for the dreams that God has ingrained in us to come true. I can not count how many times in just the first chapter I almost closed the book and didn't open it. I knew that if I really wanted to see this book through, it was going to take some serious faith and prayer.
Five years ago, I can say without a shadow of a doubt was the closest I have ever been to God. Every day was a journey to see what He would have in my life. I believed He had a grand and marvelous plan set aside specifically for me. I believed He had my best interest at heart. I believed in an impossible dream I thought was from God and prayed more fervently than I ever had in my entire life. And God granted that dream…to an extent.
Somewhere along the way, I guess God decided that I shouldn't have that dream. I still don't know why, I still don't know for what reason God took away the one thing I thought I desired above all else. But I'm finally seeing and realizing it was for my own good, and I'm a better person for it. But it's also taken me three and a half years to get to where I am right now, and to realize that if God had followed through with what I thought was his plan, I wouldn't have the friendships I have, the experiences I've had, or learned from the mistakes I've made.
When my dream was first crushed, nearly three and a half years ago to the day, I leaned on God solely for his hand to reach out and bless the situation. When I didn't see what I wanted to see happen, I turned against God, and did everything I could to disappoint myself and those around me, with the hope that God would abandon me and leave me be. But, as He always does with his children, he didn't let me get away that easily. Every week or so, I'd get a text from a friend or pastor, asking how I was or inviting me to church, or simply saying they were praying for me. I usually responded with bits of eye-rolling and a "Yeah, right. God doesn't care about me, why should you?" attitude. But one day, I finally realized that God had not forsaken me, but that he was beside me the entire time. That was about two years ago.
Since then in the past two years, I've gone in and out of "religious" phases. Ultra passionate one day, ultra passive another. Picking and choosing when to be Christian, and choosing more often than not to partake in a life I had never imagined myself living; one of sin and self-destruction. I'll admit that over the last year or so, I've dealt with a tremendous amount of anger, both with God and specific individuals, as well as toeing the line to the point of dancing on it, and eventually running across it. Over the last year specifically, I've made several decisions I'm not proud of, and am entirely ashamed of, as well as sad to admit to.
God really convicted me a couple of weeks ago, not because my dad happened to be preaching that Sunday, and my dad has a way of speaking to me when no one else can, but because I genuinely felt an urge to change my life; to recommit to the life I chose to live years ago. For some reason, that day, it seemed like an "easy" decision.
Opening the pages of this book has been challenging. I actually closed it the first day because I didn't want to hear the words that were being said. I had to spend some time in prayer after that, for courage to keep reading. Part of me wants desperately to believe in impossible dreams again. The other part of me wants to be the cynic I've been prone to be, laugh, close the book and dismiss it as nonsense, with the attitude of "been there, done that, and it turned out to be a load of crap." But I have an unexplainable desire to recommit to my faith, to pursue the dreams I've abandoned, and to live recklessly for Jesus Christ. I guess I've had an awakening of the soul again. I can only pray that this time I'm committed enough to follow through for the rest of my life.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Love.....or obsession?
In the past few years, I've witnessed and experience different levels of love from the love that seems to be the love of your life, to the love that simply is just for now that you know can never be more. Love can be a beautiful thing, even magical. As the character says from Moulin Rouge "Love is a many splendid thing, love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love. The greatest thing you'll ever know is just to love and be loved in return." Which, in the right circumstances, can be true.
But on the other side of the coin, I've also witnessed heartache, experienced heartache...witnessed cheating, lying, deceit, betrayal.....all components which are NOT a part of "Love." How can you claim to love someone yet find ways to hurt them so deeply? And intentionally?
I've come to the conclusion that love simply does not exist. Sure, people "love" each other, get married, have babies and die old together. But what about those that "love" each other, and after a short amount of time, get divorced, leaving two bitter, cynical, jaded human beings that don't have even a shred of love in them anymore? They claim to be madly in love...yet somehow they could find enough love to keep from royally screwing it up.
This leads me to one thought: love is simply and utterly misinterpreted as obsession. If you look at the world around you, how many people have obsessions/addictions? Each and every human being has an obsession of some sort to some degree. Whether it's a drug, alcohol, sex, money, food, exercise, work.....couldn't love also be described as just an addiction? Or an obsession? Obsessions come and go. How many people do you know that "fall out of love?" The typical response is that love is a choice, not a feeling. Well, duh! But you can choose to stick with it or abandon it. Abuse it, and the whole world will know it.
Obsessions come and go. So does love. I remember the days when I used to believe that love could outlast anything and fix anything. I was rudely awakened into realizing that love really means nothing, and that love is never enough. The world simply doesn't care whether or not it stays true to its word or not. People are heartless, only out for themselves and completely selfish in all its actions. It has simply been ingrained in the minds of humans since the beginning of time that love does not exist. Obsession is all there is, and to believe in such a thing as "love" is pure folly.
Pessimistic outlook? Well, yeah. But it hasn't been proven to me that there is anything more. I've seen marriages come and go, fail and succeed. But how many marriages are happy marriages? How many marriages that are years old are still as happy as they were on the wedding day? Very few..... maybe the obsession just lasted longer.
Prove to me that love actually exists, and maybe I'll change my mind.
But I promise you you can't.
But on the other side of the coin, I've also witnessed heartache, experienced heartache...witnessed cheating, lying, deceit, betrayal.....all components which are NOT a part of "Love." How can you claim to love someone yet find ways to hurt them so deeply? And intentionally?
I've come to the conclusion that love simply does not exist. Sure, people "love" each other, get married, have babies and die old together. But what about those that "love" each other, and after a short amount of time, get divorced, leaving two bitter, cynical, jaded human beings that don't have even a shred of love in them anymore? They claim to be madly in love...yet somehow they could find enough love to keep from royally screwing it up.
This leads me to one thought: love is simply and utterly misinterpreted as obsession. If you look at the world around you, how many people have obsessions/addictions? Each and every human being has an obsession of some sort to some degree. Whether it's a drug, alcohol, sex, money, food, exercise, work.....couldn't love also be described as just an addiction? Or an obsession? Obsessions come and go. How many people do you know that "fall out of love?" The typical response is that love is a choice, not a feeling. Well, duh! But you can choose to stick with it or abandon it. Abuse it, and the whole world will know it.
Obsessions come and go. So does love. I remember the days when I used to believe that love could outlast anything and fix anything. I was rudely awakened into realizing that love really means nothing, and that love is never enough. The world simply doesn't care whether or not it stays true to its word or not. People are heartless, only out for themselves and completely selfish in all its actions. It has simply been ingrained in the minds of humans since the beginning of time that love does not exist. Obsession is all there is, and to believe in such a thing as "love" is pure folly.
Pessimistic outlook? Well, yeah. But it hasn't been proven to me that there is anything more. I've seen marriages come and go, fail and succeed. But how many marriages are happy marriages? How many marriages that are years old are still as happy as they were on the wedding day? Very few..... maybe the obsession just lasted longer.
Prove to me that love actually exists, and maybe I'll change my mind.
But I promise you you can't.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Adaptation
I was having a conversation with my stepmom the other day, in which she made the statement "...you tend to take on the characteristics of the environment around you pretty well..." regarding staying true to my values and myself. It got me started thinking...
Over the years, I've had to learn how to adapt to an environment I've either been tossed into or have chosen to enter, and nine times out of ten, I adapt pretty well. Whether it was going to Arizona for a mission trip; or when I started at Golden West after first being homeschooled and then being at CVC; or when my mom died and I was thrown into a world of chaos beyond my control. I don't know when it was, but sometime in there, I learned how to adapt.
Some of these adaptations have been life altering and mind blowing, some have probably been for the worse, and some have just simply been necessary. But I have to ask myself, have I adapted so much that I don't know who I really am anymore? Have I allowed myself to take on the behaviors and values of those around me to the point that I'm not in there anymore? I ask myself this with full sincerity and hope to find not the answer that I'm looking for to appease me, but the answer that is the absolute truth.
I can't help but wonder about this. Especially in the past three years, I have changed so many political, religious and social views that I must step back and ask if this is really me talking. I believe it is. The political issues I'm willing to stand up for, the things I find necessary to defend my position on, I truly and fully believe they are what I believe and stand by. No one convinced me either one way or the other, and no one told me I was stupid for not believing them. As far as religion, these days, I really don't know what I believe. I stick to the core: what is sin is sin, Jesus died on the cross as a symbol of God's love for his people and resurrected three days later, God loves each and every one of us, and we are on this earth because he decided to bless us with life to give us a piece of what heaven can be like. But other than that? Why even wonder? If it's not going to make a difference in my life, I don't need to worry about it. And in my opinion, its all open to interpretation. Not the key points, but a lot of it.
I think that I've learned to adapt, but I've also learned how to find myself. If I hadn't been in some of the situations I've been in in my life, I definitely wouldn't be the person I am today. I think in learning to cope, survive and blend into my environments, I've been able to find the person who was waiting to come out and be me; I was able to pick the pieces apart and find who I really am, and for once, I can truly say I'm happy with who I am.
Over the years, I've had to learn how to adapt to an environment I've either been tossed into or have chosen to enter, and nine times out of ten, I adapt pretty well. Whether it was going to Arizona for a mission trip; or when I started at Golden West after first being homeschooled and then being at CVC; or when my mom died and I was thrown into a world of chaos beyond my control. I don't know when it was, but sometime in there, I learned how to adapt.
Some of these adaptations have been life altering and mind blowing, some have probably been for the worse, and some have just simply been necessary. But I have to ask myself, have I adapted so much that I don't know who I really am anymore? Have I allowed myself to take on the behaviors and values of those around me to the point that I'm not in there anymore? I ask myself this with full sincerity and hope to find not the answer that I'm looking for to appease me, but the answer that is the absolute truth.
I can't help but wonder about this. Especially in the past three years, I have changed so many political, religious and social views that I must step back and ask if this is really me talking. I believe it is. The political issues I'm willing to stand up for, the things I find necessary to defend my position on, I truly and fully believe they are what I believe and stand by. No one convinced me either one way or the other, and no one told me I was stupid for not believing them. As far as religion, these days, I really don't know what I believe. I stick to the core: what is sin is sin, Jesus died on the cross as a symbol of God's love for his people and resurrected three days later, God loves each and every one of us, and we are on this earth because he decided to bless us with life to give us a piece of what heaven can be like. But other than that? Why even wonder? If it's not going to make a difference in my life, I don't need to worry about it. And in my opinion, its all open to interpretation. Not the key points, but a lot of it.
I think that I've learned to adapt, but I've also learned how to find myself. If I hadn't been in some of the situations I've been in in my life, I definitely wouldn't be the person I am today. I think in learning to cope, survive and blend into my environments, I've been able to find the person who was waiting to come out and be me; I was able to pick the pieces apart and find who I really am, and for once, I can truly say I'm happy with who I am.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
How can I keep believing?
For as long as I can remember, I've believed in God. I've believed that He has a plan for me, and that if I pray hard enough, go to church often enough, and obey Him enough that I'll find that path to divine happiness. Today, that has been tested and I just can't believe that anymore.
I still believe there is a God. I still believe I'm one of God's children. I still believe that Jesus was God's son, that He came and died on the cross to offer himself as a token of our salvation. I still believe that because I have believed this and still believe this, I have that salvation and will one day see God.
But I can't believe that there is a plan.
Once upon a time, I knew what my path was. I knew what God wanted me to do. I was counseled by other mature Christians who came to me and "blessed" what was happening, even before it was happening, and said they believed this was God's plan for me. However, that turned into tragedy, a tragedy that has haunted me for almost three years. One thing after another keeps surfacing and showing its ugly head in this situation....yet the only person affected by this has been, and keeps being, me. So much for a plan. If God had actually had a plan for me, why do I wake up every day wondering what the point is? Why do I walk around my day, not knowing what to do next, or how to keep on surviving? The last three years for me have been mere survival. I was up to my neck in debt, in sheer and utter self destruction mode, and on my last leg of survival. Where was that plan? There's no way all this is part of God's "plan." There's no way a God who claims to have plans for a prosperous future would make/allow me to deal with this each and every day. And that plan that seemed to be "blessed" and granted? I was lied to, manipulated, cheated on, chewed up and spit out by that "plan".
How can I ever believe that a "plan" exists for me and that I have a future?
I don't know how to keep believing anymore.
I still believe there is a God. I still believe I'm one of God's children. I still believe that Jesus was God's son, that He came and died on the cross to offer himself as a token of our salvation. I still believe that because I have believed this and still believe this, I have that salvation and will one day see God.
But I can't believe that there is a plan.
Once upon a time, I knew what my path was. I knew what God wanted me to do. I was counseled by other mature Christians who came to me and "blessed" what was happening, even before it was happening, and said they believed this was God's plan for me. However, that turned into tragedy, a tragedy that has haunted me for almost three years. One thing after another keeps surfacing and showing its ugly head in this situation....yet the only person affected by this has been, and keeps being, me. So much for a plan. If God had actually had a plan for me, why do I wake up every day wondering what the point is? Why do I walk around my day, not knowing what to do next, or how to keep on surviving? The last three years for me have been mere survival. I was up to my neck in debt, in sheer and utter self destruction mode, and on my last leg of survival. Where was that plan? There's no way all this is part of God's "plan." There's no way a God who claims to have plans for a prosperous future would make/allow me to deal with this each and every day. And that plan that seemed to be "blessed" and granted? I was lied to, manipulated, cheated on, chewed up and spit out by that "plan".
How can I ever believe that a "plan" exists for me and that I have a future?
I don't know how to keep believing anymore.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Things Fall Apart
In my senior year of high school, I had to read a book called "Things Fall Apart" in my AP Lit class. The book was about a guy named Okonkwo in a village in Africa whose world crumbles around him in a matter of a few weeks. He had it all going for him; he was a village elder, had three wives, a son who was blessed by the oracle and plenty of land to farm on. And then the English come to colonize. He goes nuts, accidentally kills the son of a fellow tribesman, his son leaves the religion of his people and becomes a Christian, Okonkwo and his wives are banished for 7 years because of his crime, and he eventually kills murders the English missionaries and then kills himself.
It's ironic. That class, I can say without a shadow of a doubt in my mind, was the best class I've ever taken, and do believe ever will take. It stretched my mind beyond even what I thought I could think, and made me think abstractly and completely out of the box. But in the second semester, it seemed that every book we read lined up with what was going on in my life at the time. When we started the semester, we started this book. At the beginning of that semester, I wouldn't have changed a thing about my life. It was going perfect. By the time Okonkwo's world was falling apart, mine started to too. All the preconceived notions I had of how my senior year should look like were quickly becoming wisps of dreams, thrown to the wind, left unattended and soon forgotten. We read Hamlet, which is the story of a tortured man eager to change the world around him. I could relate very well with Hamlet. We read poems and short stories, all of which seemed to seriously align with where my life was. But the one I definitely remember the most was the story of Okonwo.
I feel like that now. Obviously not on the same extreme levels that Okonkwo was feeling, but it always seems that just when things are finally starting to work out, my whole world falls apart and I'm left at square one, at the bottom of the pit, and I can't find a way out.
I've been told for the last seven or eight years that I showed signs of depression, which I never believed, or, never wanted to. I finally went into a counseling session to find out if I do or not. I've officially been diagnosed with mild to moderate depression, which in itself is depressing. I don't know why I feel like this sucks so much. I guess it's just one of those things that seems like I always thought I could overcome it myself. But I can't. I've never wanted to be one of those people who had to go talk to someone else about the crap in their life. I've always dealt with it myself. But I guess you can only yell at someone for no apparent reason other than just to yell so many times before it becomes obvious there is a problem.
I didn't get the internship I've dreamed about to get me into a position at Starbucks Corporate in my dream city; I didn't get into Fresno State; I can't even afford Fresno State; I'm living at home....again.....for now, a year longer than I expected to; I'm worried about the people I care about the most; my dad is hanging onto yet another job he works his ass off for, and his bosses are completely undeserving and ungrateful for him; I've already lost one parent, I'm terrified of what will happen if I lose my dad; my mom only lived to 48, what if I do too? My list can go on. Yes, I work at Starbucks. Yes, my mistakes have led to a few positive things. Yes, I'm getting at least something to prove I went to COS. Yes, I can save up, move out and get to college. Yes, I'm only 22 and still have my whole life ahead of me. But whats the point? Whats the point if, in an instant, everything, literally everything can fall apart in the blink of an eye? Why do I keep trying and keep applying and keep hoping for things that I know without any doubt in my mind will just disappoint me in the long run, or even short run?
I've had three dreams in my life: to be a wife and mother, finish college with at least my BA, and live in Seattle. None of those are even near coming true. None of those are even in my grasp anymore. None of those seem to even be a factor in my life, as none of them are unattainable. I can't help but literally give up hoping anymore. Every time I've ever hoped for anything, it's ended up hurting me more than making me happy. I can honestly say without any doubt that the only exception to this was when I got my job at Starbucks. But even there..... I was training to become a shift supervisor, literally running shifts and learning what I needed to know....and then my world fell apart...and I handled it wrong. Then, by the time I was actually ready to promote again, my manager got fired. Then, our co-manager started training me, giving me resources and tools, and coaching me and actually set up an interview for me. Our District Manager flaked, and I didn't get my interview, and then we got our new manager. I love her to death, but I'll never promote under her. She's not interested in training anyone new. She wants to hire people who have already been trained. Which I get. But it just means that I have no hope of getting anywhere near where I want to be as long as I'm still living in Visalia.
Yeah, its a rant. But that's all I can do anymore. All that deep thinking and analytical breakdown I used to be able to do is gone. All that seems to be left are my survival skills, and sometimes I even wonder about those. Surviving doesn't even seem to be enough anymore.
Have you ever been on a mountain trail, high up and far away from anyone, lost without a map?
Welcome to my life.
It's ironic. That class, I can say without a shadow of a doubt in my mind, was the best class I've ever taken, and do believe ever will take. It stretched my mind beyond even what I thought I could think, and made me think abstractly and completely out of the box. But in the second semester, it seemed that every book we read lined up with what was going on in my life at the time. When we started the semester, we started this book. At the beginning of that semester, I wouldn't have changed a thing about my life. It was going perfect. By the time Okonkwo's world was falling apart, mine started to too. All the preconceived notions I had of how my senior year should look like were quickly becoming wisps of dreams, thrown to the wind, left unattended and soon forgotten. We read Hamlet, which is the story of a tortured man eager to change the world around him. I could relate very well with Hamlet. We read poems and short stories, all of which seemed to seriously align with where my life was. But the one I definitely remember the most was the story of Okonwo.
I feel like that now. Obviously not on the same extreme levels that Okonkwo was feeling, but it always seems that just when things are finally starting to work out, my whole world falls apart and I'm left at square one, at the bottom of the pit, and I can't find a way out.
I've been told for the last seven or eight years that I showed signs of depression, which I never believed, or, never wanted to. I finally went into a counseling session to find out if I do or not. I've officially been diagnosed with mild to moderate depression, which in itself is depressing. I don't know why I feel like this sucks so much. I guess it's just one of those things that seems like I always thought I could overcome it myself. But I can't. I've never wanted to be one of those people who had to go talk to someone else about the crap in their life. I've always dealt with it myself. But I guess you can only yell at someone for no apparent reason other than just to yell so many times before it becomes obvious there is a problem.
I didn't get the internship I've dreamed about to get me into a position at Starbucks Corporate in my dream city; I didn't get into Fresno State; I can't even afford Fresno State; I'm living at home....again.....for now, a year longer than I expected to; I'm worried about the people I care about the most; my dad is hanging onto yet another job he works his ass off for, and his bosses are completely undeserving and ungrateful for him; I've already lost one parent, I'm terrified of what will happen if I lose my dad; my mom only lived to 48, what if I do too? My list can go on. Yes, I work at Starbucks. Yes, my mistakes have led to a few positive things. Yes, I'm getting at least something to prove I went to COS. Yes, I can save up, move out and get to college. Yes, I'm only 22 and still have my whole life ahead of me. But whats the point? Whats the point if, in an instant, everything, literally everything can fall apart in the blink of an eye? Why do I keep trying and keep applying and keep hoping for things that I know without any doubt in my mind will just disappoint me in the long run, or even short run?
I've had three dreams in my life: to be a wife and mother, finish college with at least my BA, and live in Seattle. None of those are even near coming true. None of those are even in my grasp anymore. None of those seem to even be a factor in my life, as none of them are unattainable. I can't help but literally give up hoping anymore. Every time I've ever hoped for anything, it's ended up hurting me more than making me happy. I can honestly say without any doubt that the only exception to this was when I got my job at Starbucks. But even there..... I was training to become a shift supervisor, literally running shifts and learning what I needed to know....and then my world fell apart...and I handled it wrong. Then, by the time I was actually ready to promote again, my manager got fired. Then, our co-manager started training me, giving me resources and tools, and coaching me and actually set up an interview for me. Our District Manager flaked, and I didn't get my interview, and then we got our new manager. I love her to death, but I'll never promote under her. She's not interested in training anyone new. She wants to hire people who have already been trained. Which I get. But it just means that I have no hope of getting anywhere near where I want to be as long as I'm still living in Visalia.
Yeah, its a rant. But that's all I can do anymore. All that deep thinking and analytical breakdown I used to be able to do is gone. All that seems to be left are my survival skills, and sometimes I even wonder about those. Surviving doesn't even seem to be enough anymore.
Have you ever been on a mountain trail, high up and far away from anyone, lost without a map?
Welcome to my life.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Failing, Failing, Failing.
A couple of months ago, I got really excited about something. I found out that an oportunity for Starbucks partners was opening in Seattle, the chance I've been waiting for for 10 years. It was an internship in Seattle, the city I've wanted to live in since I was 12, at the company I've wanted to work for, and have the pleasure of working for. I'm passionate about my company, dedicated to its success, and would do anything I could to see it flourish. But I also saw this internship as an opportunity for personal gain. The opportunity to make connections in Seattle, so that when the time hopefully came, I could move up there and become a part of the bigger picture. With everything that has been going on, this was like my one last silver lining in a huge sky full of dark clouds. This was my last shred of hope. This is what that hope had to say to me:
"We appreciate your interest in exploring new career opportunities within Starbucks. We have reviewed your resume for the intern, Global Design - Seattle, WA position and have decided not to move forward with your candidacy at this time."
Another dream, another failure. They say that when you fall, your supposed to just get back up and try again. How many freaking times do I have to do this???? Seriously! I'm so done trying and failing every single time I try at ANYTHING.
About four years ago, I wrote a blog about being at the bottom of the valley (http://elisabethdoss.blogspot.com/2007/03/very-long-rocky-narrow-road.html), but finding some way to fall even further. How far is deep enough? Isn't it high time for me to find some way out of this awful valley I find myself in?
It's funny looking at the highly optimistic views I had on life back then. Life couldn't have been worse for me, or so I thought. I was in sheer and utter limbo, not knowing which college to pick or who to go to prom with. If I could go back , knowing what I know four years later, I would slap that stupid, silly, naive girl and tell her to grow up. She had no idea what life was like, and if she did, she would have spent a lot less time dreaming and being optimistic, and a lot more time working so she could have gotten somewhere. She would have accepted the snake for what it was, and gone on with her life. She wouldn't have been a weak princess needing rescuing. She would have been a princess worth rescuing. She had rose colored glasses on. In reality, she didn't need to be rescued; she needed to be left to the world so she could realize what life was really like, and get by on her own, as life meant her to.
I know I can't change the past. I know I can't change that. But I know what I can change. It's obvious and apparent that I'm meant for the ordinary. I'm not willing to accept that, but I know that the more I try, the more I fail. I've failed at everything I've ever set out to do. I'm not going anywhere, I'm not doing anything. And the more I try, the more I fail. I can't get back up anymore and speed on ahead. I'm done. I'm over it. Now, I just need to learn how to live with it.
Everyone keeps saying that God just has some huge, marvelous and amazing plan for me through all this. I used to believe that. But I just can't anymore. I've heard God speak to me, had counsel from other mature Christians on what I should do, and followed their advice. And obviously somewhere in there, someone was wrong because it bit me in the butt. I can't believe that God has a plan that will blow my mind, because if we're all here for his glory and honor, shouldn't just being here be enough? Shouldn't just living and breathing be enough to keep him satisfied? Well, yeah. Honoring God, doing the right things should be enough. So it's wrong to say that God has some huge, elaborate plan for each of us. That's bull crap. He has huge plans for some people, but not everyone. I'm tired of people using the excuse of "God has a reason..." to hide behind so they don't have to admit that they are hurting. Yeah, God has a plan, but your also pissed, hurt and sad that your plans didn't work out, right? Then stop hiding and admit it!
Failure happens. Everyday. Some of us just happen to live a life of failure. Those who find nothing but success, I'm happy for you. I'm excited for you. You got your crap together and figured it out.
But some of us will never know anything but failure.
If I could turn dreams off, I would do it.
If I could pretend that all this doesn't hurt like hell, I would.
If I could lean on God any more than I have in the past or am right now, I would.
If I could succeed, I would.
But all that is futile.
"We appreciate your interest in exploring new career opportunities within Starbucks. We have reviewed your resume for the intern, Global Design - Seattle, WA position and have decided not to move forward with your candidacy at this time."
Another dream, another failure. They say that when you fall, your supposed to just get back up and try again. How many freaking times do I have to do this???? Seriously! I'm so done trying and failing every single time I try at ANYTHING.
About four years ago, I wrote a blog about being at the bottom of the valley (http://elisabethdoss.blogspot.com/2007/03/very-long-rocky-narrow-road.html), but finding some way to fall even further. How far is deep enough? Isn't it high time for me to find some way out of this awful valley I find myself in?
It's funny looking at the highly optimistic views I had on life back then. Life couldn't have been worse for me, or so I thought. I was in sheer and utter limbo, not knowing which college to pick or who to go to prom with. If I could go back , knowing what I know four years later, I would slap that stupid, silly, naive girl and tell her to grow up. She had no idea what life was like, and if she did, she would have spent a lot less time dreaming and being optimistic, and a lot more time working so she could have gotten somewhere. She would have accepted the snake for what it was, and gone on with her life. She wouldn't have been a weak princess needing rescuing. She would have been a princess worth rescuing. She had rose colored glasses on. In reality, she didn't need to be rescued; she needed to be left to the world so she could realize what life was really like, and get by on her own, as life meant her to.
I know I can't change the past. I know I can't change that. But I know what I can change. It's obvious and apparent that I'm meant for the ordinary. I'm not willing to accept that, but I know that the more I try, the more I fail. I've failed at everything I've ever set out to do. I'm not going anywhere, I'm not doing anything. And the more I try, the more I fail. I can't get back up anymore and speed on ahead. I'm done. I'm over it. Now, I just need to learn how to live with it.
Everyone keeps saying that God just has some huge, marvelous and amazing plan for me through all this. I used to believe that. But I just can't anymore. I've heard God speak to me, had counsel from other mature Christians on what I should do, and followed their advice. And obviously somewhere in there, someone was wrong because it bit me in the butt. I can't believe that God has a plan that will blow my mind, because if we're all here for his glory and honor, shouldn't just being here be enough? Shouldn't just living and breathing be enough to keep him satisfied? Well, yeah. Honoring God, doing the right things should be enough. So it's wrong to say that God has some huge, elaborate plan for each of us. That's bull crap. He has huge plans for some people, but not everyone. I'm tired of people using the excuse of "God has a reason..." to hide behind so they don't have to admit that they are hurting. Yeah, God has a plan, but your also pissed, hurt and sad that your plans didn't work out, right? Then stop hiding and admit it!
Failure happens. Everyday. Some of us just happen to live a life of failure. Those who find nothing but success, I'm happy for you. I'm excited for you. You got your crap together and figured it out.
But some of us will never know anything but failure.
If I could turn dreams off, I would do it.
If I could pretend that all this doesn't hurt like hell, I would.
If I could lean on God any more than I have in the past or am right now, I would.
If I could succeed, I would.
But all that is futile.
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