Things Fall Apart

In my senior year of high school, I had to read a book called "Things Fall Apart" in my AP Lit class. The book was about a guy named Okonkwo in a village in Africa whose world crumbles around him in a matter of a few weeks. He had it all going for him; he was a village elder, had three wives, a son who was blessed by the oracle and plenty of land to farm on. And then the English come to colonize. He goes nuts, accidentally kills the son of a fellow tribesman, his son leaves the religion of his people and becomes a Christian, Okonkwo and his wives are banished for 7 years because of his crime, and he eventually kills murders the English missionaries and then kills himself.

It's ironic. That class, I can say without a shadow of a doubt in my mind, was the best class I've ever taken, and do believe ever will take. It stretched my mind beyond even what I thought I could think, and made me think abstractly and completely out of the box. But in the second semester, it seemed that every book we read lined up with what was going on in my life at the time. When we started the semester, we started this book. At the beginning of that semester, I wouldn't have changed a thing about my life. It was going perfect. By the time Okonkwo's world was falling apart, mine started to too. All the preconceived notions I had of how my senior year should look like were quickly becoming wisps of dreams, thrown to the wind, left unattended and soon forgotten. We read Hamlet, which is the story of a tortured man eager to change the world around him. I could relate very well with Hamlet. We read poems and short stories, all of which seemed to seriously align with where my life was. But the one I definitely remember the most was the story of Okonwo.

I feel like that now. Obviously not on the same extreme levels that Okonkwo was feeling, but it always seems that just when things are finally starting to work out, my whole world falls apart and I'm left at square one, at the bottom of the pit, and I can't find a way out.

I've been told for the last seven or eight years that I showed signs of depression, which I never believed, or, never wanted to. I finally went into a counseling session to find out if I do or not. I've officially been diagnosed with mild to moderate depression, which in itself is depressing. I don't know why I feel like this sucks so much. I guess it's just one of those things that seems like I always thought I could overcome it myself. But I can't. I've never wanted to be one of those people who had to go talk to someone else about the crap in their life. I've always dealt with it myself. But I guess you can only yell at someone for no apparent reason other than just to yell so many times before it becomes obvious there is a problem.

I didn't get the internship I've dreamed about to get me into a position at Starbucks Corporate in my dream city; I didn't get into Fresno State; I can't even afford Fresno State; I'm living at home....again.....for now, a year longer than I expected to; I'm worried about the people I care about the most; my dad is hanging onto yet another job he works his ass off for, and his bosses are completely undeserving and ungrateful for him; I've already lost one parent, I'm terrified of what will happen if I lose my dad; my mom only lived to 48, what if I do too? My list can go on. Yes, I work at Starbucks. Yes, my mistakes have led to a few positive things. Yes, I'm getting at least something to prove I went to COS. Yes, I can save up, move out and get to college. Yes, I'm only 22 and still have my whole life ahead of me. But whats the point? Whats the point if, in an instant, everything, literally everything can fall apart in the blink of an eye? Why do I keep trying and keep applying and keep hoping for things that I know without any doubt in my mind will just disappoint me in the long run, or even short run?

I've had three dreams in my life: to be a wife and mother, finish college with at least my BA, and live in Seattle. None of those are even near coming true. None of those are even in my grasp anymore. None of those seem to even be a factor in my life, as none of them are unattainable. I can't help but literally give up hoping anymore. Every time I've ever hoped for anything, it's ended up hurting me more than making me happy. I can honestly say without any doubt that the only exception to this was when I got my job at Starbucks. But even there..... I was training to become a shift supervisor, literally running shifts and learning what I needed to know....and then my world fell apart...and I handled it wrong. Then, by the time I was actually ready to promote again, my manager got fired. Then, our co-manager started training me, giving me resources and tools, and coaching me and actually set up an interview for me. Our District Manager flaked, and I didn't get my interview, and then we got our new manager. I love her to death, but I'll never promote under her. She's not interested in training anyone new. She wants to hire people who have already been trained. Which I get. But it just means that I have no hope of getting anywhere near where I want to be as long as I'm still living in Visalia.

Yeah, its a rant. But that's all I can do anymore. All that deep thinking and analytical breakdown I used to be able to do is gone. All that seems to be left are my survival skills, and sometimes I even wonder about those. Surviving doesn't even seem to be enough anymore.

Have you ever been on a mountain trail, high up and far away from anyone, lost without a map?

Welcome to my life.

Failing, Failing, Failing.

A couple of months ago, I got really excited about something. I found out that an oportunity for Starbucks partners was opening in Seattle, the chance I've been waiting for for 10 years. It was an internship in Seattle, the city I've wanted to live in since I was 12, at the company I've wanted to work for, and have the pleasure of working for. I'm passionate about my company, dedicated to its success, and would do anything I could to see it flourish. But I also saw this internship as an opportunity for personal gain. The opportunity to make connections in Seattle, so that when the time hopefully came, I could move up there and become a part of the bigger picture. With everything that has been going on, this was like my one last silver lining in a huge sky full of dark clouds. This was my last shred of hope. This is what that hope had to say to me:

"We appreciate your interest in exploring new career opportunities within Starbucks. We have reviewed your resume for the intern, Global Design - Seattle, WA position and have decided not to move forward with your candidacy at this time."

Another dream, another failure. They say that when you fall, your supposed to just get back up and try again. How many freaking times do I have to do this???? Seriously! I'm so done trying and failing every single time I try at ANYTHING.

About four years ago, I wrote a blog about being at the bottom of the valley (http://elisabethdoss.blogspot.com/2007/03/very-long-rocky-narrow-road.html), but finding some way to fall even further. How far is deep enough? Isn't it high time for me to find some way out of this awful valley I find myself in?

It's funny looking at the highly optimistic views I had on life back then. Life couldn't have been worse for me, or so I thought. I was in sheer and utter limbo, not knowing which college to pick or who to go to prom with. If I could go back , knowing what I know four years later, I would slap that stupid, silly, naive girl and tell her to grow up. She had no idea what life was like, and if she did, she would have spent a lot less time dreaming and being optimistic, and a lot more time working so she could have gotten somewhere. She would have accepted the snake for what it was, and gone on with her life. She wouldn't have been a weak princess needing rescuing. She would have been a princess worth rescuing. She had rose colored glasses on. In reality, she didn't need to be rescued; she needed to be left to the world so she could realize what life was really like, and get by on her own, as life meant her to.

I know I can't change the past. I know I can't change that. But I know what I can change. It's obvious and apparent that I'm meant for the ordinary. I'm not willing to accept that, but I know that the more I try, the more I fail. I've failed at everything I've ever set out to do. I'm not going anywhere, I'm not doing anything. And the more I try, the more I fail. I can't get back up anymore and speed on ahead. I'm done. I'm over it. Now, I just need to learn how to live with it.

Everyone keeps saying that God just has some huge, marvelous and amazing plan for me through all this. I used to believe that. But I just can't anymore. I've heard God speak to me, had counsel from other mature Christians on what I should do, and followed their advice. And obviously somewhere in there, someone was wrong because it bit me in the butt. I can't believe that God has a plan that will blow my mind, because if we're all here for his glory and honor, shouldn't just being here be enough? Shouldn't just living and breathing be enough to keep him satisfied? Well, yeah. Honoring God, doing the right things should be enough. So it's wrong to say that God has some huge, elaborate plan for each of us. That's bull crap. He has huge plans for some people, but not everyone. I'm tired of people using the excuse of "God has a reason..." to hide behind so they don't have to admit that they are hurting. Yeah, God has a plan, but your also pissed, hurt and sad that your plans didn't work out, right? Then stop hiding and admit it!

Failure happens. Everyday. Some of us just happen to live a life of failure. Those who find nothing but success, I'm happy for you. I'm excited for you. You got your crap together and figured it out.

But some of us will never know anything but failure.

If I could turn dreams off, I would do it.

If I could pretend that all this doesn't hurt like hell, I would.

If I could lean on God any more than I have in the past or am right now, I would.

If I could succeed, I would.

But all that is futile.

Static

Static, as defined by Mr. Merriam Webster, means "lacking in movement, action, or change."

This is where I am. Right here, right now.

I'm approaching the end of a four year journey in which nothing, absolutely nothing, has come out of. If anything, I've screwed up more than I ever gained from this mess I've come into. Now, I'm static. My life has gone, and is going, no where. I'm still at the entry level of the job I've been at for three years, I'm living at home (again), I've never lived out of a 20 mile radius of where I've lived for the last 21 years, and there's not a chance any of that is going to change soon.

What sucks the most is that I could have prevented this, all of this, in high school by just sucking it up, taking out student loans, and going to school where I had planned to. Or by moving to Seattle in the first place. Since my parents never have cared if I go to college or not, I could have been in Seattle already, established residency, and been halfway through school already. I could have been done by now. All if I hadn't been a stupid human.

Sometimes I don't regret the idiot decisions my heart made, and sometimes I do. I look at the friendships and relationships I have now, but realize that I'd still have those even if I hadn't been an idiot.

But it all comes down to I thought with my heart and not my head, such a thing that I will never let myself do again. Logic is very much what is true and good in the world. As Spock says in Star Trek "Logic gives the advantage over emotion that no one can understand. It gives you the ability to control your emotions."

I realize now that I must remain logical, more so than emotional. I must retain what little dignity I have left anymore, and be logical about my choices. My emotions must no longer control my life, or even have a place in my life. Emotion has done nothing but get me in trouble and break my heart. Because everything has been my fault thus far, I'm taking responsibility of my actions and refusing to let emotion ever rule my life again.

I will be static. And I will change no more.

The Helping Star

There once was a star that shone brighter than all the others. Not in worth or brilliance, but simply because she did things beyond her abilities and traits, and was always willing and able to do what others couldn't. She was the Helping Star.

One night, she woke up to a perfectly beautiful view of the Earth. "Oh, how lovely! Maybe tonight I can finally just watch the Earth and see what everyone says about it. Maybe tonight I'll finally be able to see the glorious mountains and the grassy plains, and the deep, vast oceans. Maybe tonight I'll be able to rest."

Just then, she saw a bright light go whizzing by her. "Help me!" said the comet. "I'm headed for God knows where, and I can't stop! I don't know where I'm going! I'm scared!" The star, seeing just how terrified the comet was, turned her back on earth and started following him. She caught his hand just before he hit the moon, and pulled him back to safety.

"Thanks!", said the comet. "What's your name? Why were you so eager to help me?"

"I'm the Helping Star. I'm here to help people." she replied.

"Oh. Well thanks. I passed all the other stars, and they just ignored me and pretended not to hear me."

"Not a problem, little comet. Try to be more careful next time you go somewhere."

"I will!" said he, and he lit up and flew off towards the distant, much slower this time.

Feeling happy about her valiant save, but slightly worried she had missed most of her view of the Earth, the star went back to her post and sat. She looked down on the Earth, at all the people and thought "I wonder how they all do it. They have all this time to waste; all this time they could be helping each other. I wonder what they do to help one another."

Just as she was going to wonder some more, a baby asteroid zoomed over her head, and yelled "Help me!! I got lost when we were making our rounds on the belt tonight, and I can't find my way back!"

The Helping Star quickly pursued it, grabbed it's little hand and broke it's collision course toward the planets.

"Thank you!", said the little asteroid. "I didn't know how to stop. We're always going, going, going in that belt, and I've never left before! This is the first time I haven't been moving in thousands of years."

"My pleasure," said the Helping Star. "This is what I do. I'm here to help all the elements of space, all the people that come up here. I'm here to show the men on the sea how to get to and fro. I'm here to ensure everyone has a way to go."

"Can you take me back to my mom now? It's cold out here in normal space." asked the asteroid.

"But that's clear across space!" said the Star before she thought. "If we leave now, I'll miss the rest of the night and not see the Earth anymore." But as she said this, the asteroid's eyes started to tear up and it started crying. He was, after all, just a baby, and probably missed his mom terribly.

"Oh, alright. I'm sorry. I know your cold and scared, and you want to be with your mom. She probably misses you, and is scared too." So she took the asteroid's hand and led him back across the solar system to the belt. It took many hours to get there, and when they got there. Everything was in chaos. Nothing like this had ever happened before. But everyone knew where his mom was, and led the star and the asteroid to her.

As the star was turning to leave, the baby asteroid grabbed her and gave her a hug. "Thank you, Helping Star. What would I have done without you? I would never have seen my mom or my friends again. Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

The star, touched by the gratitude, hugged him back and zipped across space so she could get back in time to see the sun rise on the oceans. As she rounded around Mars and could see the Earth, she saw trouble starting again. A group of space junk was crashing towards earth, and there was no way they were going to stop themselves.

"Help us, help us!" they cried in unison to her. Because they were so used to just floating around space, they had no way to help themselves, and they couldn't move fast enough even if they could. The star raced towards them, tied a net around them, and tugged them back out of the gravitational pull of the Earth.

When she had gotten a reasonable distance away, she stopped and let them out. "Thank you ever so much, great star of Helpfulness! We would have become 'shooting stars' and would have ended our beautiful float around space.

The star smiled weakly, and said "Of course. Try to be more careful next time. Who knows if anyone will be around to save you. It's not safe to play around planets with gravity." and with that she drifted back toward the earth, tired from the night and full of sadness that this was her normal routine.

As she popped back to her post, she looked at the earth. The sun was already shining on the half she could see, and she had missed her sunrise. In the thousands of years she had been shining, she had never seen a sunrise. Her job started with the setting of the sun, and ended when the sun was already out. As much as she loved her job, she was sad.

As the day wore on, the star, sad and alone, wondered "What would happen to me, if I ever needed help? What would happen if I ever got off course? Who would help me?" And with that, she closed her eyes, and went to sleep.

The next night, when the sun set and the moon rose, and the stars shone in the sky, the inhabitants of the earth saw a sight they would never forget. Up in the sky, the biggest shooting star they had ever seen, or ever would see, was plummeting toward the earth, with millions of little shooting "stars" behind it. To Earth, it was beautiful. But to the sky above, it was a sad event.

That night, the star had been helping a moonbeam find it's way to earth, and had lost her balance. She knew she was going to fall to the earth, and be no more. But she also knew that she would get to see all she had wanted before. She didn't even yell for help, but as she turned around to look out at space one last time, she saw some that made her cry. Behind her, coming from all places of the galaxy, objects were flying toward her, trying to save her. Asteroids, comets, other stars, moonbeams, sun rays, even space junk, were all coming to try to save her. "No!", she yelled. "If you follow me, you'll be burned up, and all the work I did to help you will be for nothing!"

"But what will we do without you? We can't live without a Helping Star," they all cried after her.

She replied, "Help each other. Learn how to coexist, like you are right now. Don't rely on others just to help you, but love each other and help each other. Now please, go back. I can't be helped, but it's okay. You can all learn from me now."

As she said this, she looked back to the earth and saw the most beautiful sight she had ever seen. As she looked toward the horizon, the sun was beginning to rise over the ocean, and she smiled.

Life: Multiple Choice or True/False Test? Yes.

It's New Years Eve. I'm in Las Vegas with some of my favorite people. I'm staying in a castle. I haven't had to set an alarm in four days. I'm a happy person.

But this weekend has been about choices, of course. Do you ever feel like life is like a test? I'm not talking the cosmic/biblical "God's just testing you....you'll get through" test. I'm talking the "make this choice or else" tests. I feel like I'm living this crazy test that determines whether or not you'll find happiness, peace, joy, love, hope, etc. There's never any answers given. You have to make an educated guess, know the answer from years of studying, or just pull an answer out of the sky because you have no freaking idea what it is. But each of these determines whether or not you pass or not. I just want an answer. Or two. wouldn't that make life so much easier? Yes.

I feel like the choices I make aren't the ones you can look back on and find the other answers you're looking for. You know the type. The ones that you answer and then a question completely relates to the previous answer and you know what it is? Yeah, life definitely isn't like that. Answers are dependent on themselves. There is no easy way out. You just have to choose. Over and over and over....and over again.

But the other thing about these choices that in this test is that you can't go back and erase the questions you've already answered. You can't fix a mistake. You can't make a problem go away. If you screwed up something great you had going for you, your done, and thats that.

But how do you figure out what will make you pass or fail? That, apparently, is one of the questions that remains to be answered.

Limbo

Once upon a time, there was a girl who worked hard, very hard, for everything she had going for her. All she wanted was to be successful to herself, her parents, and God. She wanted to make a difference. She wanted to know how to live life to its fullest potential. She wanted to know happiness. So she worked hard at her school. She worked hard at working at activities in high school so she could go off to college, get a career, and get a life.

She had friends. Only a close group, with not too many yet not too few, who loved her and who she loved above all else. She always put her friends above her work, yet somehow got all her work done too. Her friends were her world. Her friends were her life. Her friends were who would stick by her. Her friends were everything.

Her last year of high school, she found another part of herself she had never let out before; her heart. She let herself love. She let herself be vulnerable. She let herself believe that she could be happy to give up everything she had worked toward for something that she thought she wanted more; Love. In reality though, she was only lying to herself.

Months passed, love flourished, and she chose love over dreams. Dreams that didn't matter in the light of what she had found. Her love grew and the love for her grew, until love was abundant and overshadowed everything. Every once in a while, she would recall the dreams she had given up, and would be sad. But she would convince herself eventually, and be equally convinced by her love, that she had made the right choice; that those dreams were still attainable, just maybe not as soon as she wanted. Love was truly the right choice. And eventually - sadly - it became her only choice.

Her friends were all gone now, living their lives and doing what they wanted - without her. She had given up the few people that meant the world to her. That were her lifeblood. Wherever they were, she wasn't. She wasn't encouraged by love either to go chasing after them and find them. As far as she knew, they were lost to her, and she was lost to them, forgotten in the wind and blowing further and further away.

But then one day, something changed. The love broke and the world shattered. All that had been certain - a wedding, a life, a happiness, a finality to her plans..... it was all gone. The tomorrow that had been certain had been swallowed up by the monster of selfishness, and she was all alone, with no one to turn to, nothing to do, and no attainable dreams.

Her friends came back, and her dreams rekindled in her heart. She knew that all that work she had done had actually meant something anyway. She was just taking the long way there. But yet, there was still something very desolate in her heart. She had no fire anymore. No drive. There was no point.

Years rolled by. Nothing changed. Everyday when she would wake up, she would roll over and wonder if today would be good or bad, if life would start happening again. Every night when she went to bed, she would wonder if tomorrow would bring pain or joy. The bad outweighed the good. She realized quickly that there was no point to making any plans for life, because those plans always found a way of building her up, only to break her down a breath later. She saw those around her gain success and happiness, spouses and children, dreams and wonders. And everyday she wondered when something, anything, would happen to her again.

She is stuck in Limbo.

Retail holiday madness and the crazies we deal with

As I left my house this afternoon at 2:30, I felt a sense of accomplishment at not having to rush out the door and get to work just in time. It takes only ten minutes to get to the mall from where I live, and I knew that although I'd probably spend ten minutes finding parking, I'd still make it to work a good few minutes earlier than usual. That is to say, I'd actually make it on time today.

As I drove down Walnut, the traffic wasn't bad. It was a normal Tuesday; normal enough, that you would never guess it was the week before Christmas. It was a peaceful, tranquil afternoon.

When I was within a block of the mall, I realized why there was minimal traffic on the road. Everyone was dealing with an epic battle to get into the same parking lot, regrettably, the same one I was trying to get into. I realized quickly I'd be lucky to get into work on time.

I hate being one of those people that will risk their life and the lives of those in their vehicle to get a premium parking spot. I'll take what I can get, even if it means walking. Hey, it's more exercise, right? So I decided to keep the "holiday spirit" and let someone who had been waiting at a stop sign in the parking lot to go first, since they had clearly been there for a while. However, the three or four cars behind them (I lost count because I was so mad) decided I obviously let them go to, which they quickly took advantage of. I soon found myself in a hopeless traffic jam which led to me realizing I was already late, which of course brought my emotion out and made me burst into tears. I was so frustrated! And the people that cut me off? They were laughing. Yes, laughing. And pointing. And no, I'm not exaggerating one bit. Thank goodness for the person that was my last hope to get to a parking space; they let me take the lead and get in line behind the countless other cars trying to find a spot.

There's a certain look that people get about five days before Christmas. You know the look. It's the "Ready, aim, CHARGE!" look. I'm convinced, especially after today, that people really do have one single agenda; come rain, snow, nuclear bomb, they will get to that goal and get that gift and they'll be damned if they don't. I soon realized that almost everyone in the mall had that look today. I thought a few times that I might die.

Work was interesting. We literally had a line the entire four hours I was there. And I had to watch what I said, very VERY closely. I never realized that people actually don't understand the concept of "buy 3, get 3 free". Literally. I had one woman ask me today "So I buy 3, and then I get them for free instead?" When I tried to explain that she would basically get six items for the price of three, she rolled her eyes and said "So what's the point of getting 3 more items then if I have to pay for them?" Wtf? Seriously? What's not to understand about that????

I've learned that my pet peeve at this job is when I ring an entire transaction through, the credit card has already cleared, and the customer is walking out the door, when they turn and say "Oh! I forgot I have this $10 off coupon. Is it too late to use it on my purchase?" Well, considering you already purchased it....duh! But sure, let me refund your entire transaction by rescanning each item, entering the price in the computer and why your returning it, and then rescanning it just so you can get roughly $10 back. If this is you, I'm sorry. But its incredibly frustrating. You don't even understand. I had a woman come in today that wanted to do this that didn't realize it yesterday, and hadn't met the $30 minimum you have to reach to get the $10 off. (She had spend $24 yesterday) So she added four items to her purchase, therefore making her total after discounts $27. Um.......Do you see what I mean? She ended up PAYING $3. After I explained to her that the $10 wouldn't actually make a difference, she still wanted to go through with it. Oh, the best part is she had left her coupon at home, but someone told her we had them up front, so we had to honor it and give it to her anyway. Seriously. I don't get it.

I think after working this Christmas season in retail, I've learned to have a greater appreciation for the people behind the counter, in the stores, everywhere. They (we) work hard to create an environment where one can purchase what they need for the people in their lives that they are giving gifts to. So thank you to all that work in a place that you deal with difficult people, decent people, or just people in general. Thank you for keeping your smile planted on your face and keeping your chin up, even though the Holiday season seems to bring out the worst in people instead of the good in people, like it should.