A couple of months ago, I got really excited about something. I found out that an oportunity for Starbucks partners was opening in Seattle, the chance I've been waiting for for 10 years. It was an internship in Seattle, the city I've wanted to live in since I was 12, at the company I've wanted to work for, and have the pleasure of working for. I'm passionate about my company, dedicated to its success, and would do anything I could to see it flourish. But I also saw this internship as an opportunity for personal gain. The opportunity to make connections in Seattle, so that when the time hopefully came, I could move up there and become a part of the bigger picture. With everything that has been going on, this was like my one last silver lining in a huge sky full of dark clouds. This was my last shred of hope. This is what that hope had to say to me:
"We appreciate your interest in exploring new career opportunities within Starbucks. We have reviewed your resume for the intern, Global Design - Seattle, WA position and have decided not to move forward with your candidacy at this time."
Another dream, another failure. They say that when you fall, your supposed to just get back up and try again. How many freaking times do I have to do this???? Seriously! I'm so done trying and failing every single time I try at ANYTHING.
About four years ago, I wrote a blog about being at the bottom of the valley (http://elisabethdoss.blogspot.com/2007/03/very-long-rocky-narrow-road.html), but finding some way to fall even further. How far is deep enough? Isn't it high time for me to find some way out of this awful valley I find myself in?
It's funny looking at the highly optimistic views I had on life back then. Life couldn't have been worse for me, or so I thought. I was in sheer and utter limbo, not knowing which college to pick or who to go to prom with. If I could go back , knowing what I know four years later, I would slap that stupid, silly, naive girl and tell her to grow up. She had no idea what life was like, and if she did, she would have spent a lot less time dreaming and being optimistic, and a lot more time working so she could have gotten somewhere. She would have accepted the snake for what it was, and gone on with her life. She wouldn't have been a weak princess needing rescuing. She would have been a princess worth rescuing. She had rose colored glasses on. In reality, she didn't need to be rescued; she needed to be left to the world so she could realize what life was really like, and get by on her own, as life meant her to.
I know I can't change the past. I know I can't change that. But I know what I can change. It's obvious and apparent that I'm meant for the ordinary. I'm not willing to accept that, but I know that the more I try, the more I fail. I've failed at everything I've ever set out to do. I'm not going anywhere, I'm not doing anything. And the more I try, the more I fail. I can't get back up anymore and speed on ahead. I'm done. I'm over it. Now, I just need to learn how to live with it.
Everyone keeps saying that God just has some huge, marvelous and amazing plan for me through all this. I used to believe that. But I just can't anymore. I've heard God speak to me, had counsel from other mature Christians on what I should do, and followed their advice. And obviously somewhere in there, someone was wrong because it bit me in the butt. I can't believe that God has a plan that will blow my mind, because if we're all here for his glory and honor, shouldn't just being here be enough? Shouldn't just living and breathing be enough to keep him satisfied? Well, yeah. Honoring God, doing the right things should be enough. So it's wrong to say that God has some huge, elaborate plan for each of us. That's bull crap. He has huge plans for some people, but not everyone. I'm tired of people using the excuse of "God has a reason..." to hide behind so they don't have to admit that they are hurting. Yeah, God has a plan, but your also pissed, hurt and sad that your plans didn't work out, right? Then stop hiding and admit it!
Failure happens. Everyday. Some of us just happen to live a life of failure. Those who find nothing but success, I'm happy for you. I'm excited for you. You got your crap together and figured it out.
But some of us will never know anything but failure.
If I could turn dreams off, I would do it.
If I could pretend that all this doesn't hurt like hell, I would.
If I could lean on God any more than I have in the past or am right now, I would.
If I could succeed, I would.
But all that is futile.
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