Static

Static, as defined by Mr. Merriam Webster, means "lacking in movement, action, or change."

This is where I am. Right here, right now.

I'm approaching the end of a four year journey in which nothing, absolutely nothing, has come out of. If anything, I've screwed up more than I ever gained from this mess I've come into. Now, I'm static. My life has gone, and is going, no where. I'm still at the entry level of the job I've been at for three years, I'm living at home (again), I've never lived out of a 20 mile radius of where I've lived for the last 21 years, and there's not a chance any of that is going to change soon.

What sucks the most is that I could have prevented this, all of this, in high school by just sucking it up, taking out student loans, and going to school where I had planned to. Or by moving to Seattle in the first place. Since my parents never have cared if I go to college or not, I could have been in Seattle already, established residency, and been halfway through school already. I could have been done by now. All if I hadn't been a stupid human.

Sometimes I don't regret the idiot decisions my heart made, and sometimes I do. I look at the friendships and relationships I have now, but realize that I'd still have those even if I hadn't been an idiot.

But it all comes down to I thought with my heart and not my head, such a thing that I will never let myself do again. Logic is very much what is true and good in the world. As Spock says in Star Trek "Logic gives the advantage over emotion that no one can understand. It gives you the ability to control your emotions."

I realize now that I must remain logical, more so than emotional. I must retain what little dignity I have left anymore, and be logical about my choices. My emotions must no longer control my life, or even have a place in my life. Emotion has done nothing but get me in trouble and break my heart. Because everything has been my fault thus far, I'm taking responsibility of my actions and refusing to let emotion ever rule my life again.

I will be static. And I will change no more.