It's New Years Eve. I'm in Las Vegas with some of my favorite people. I'm staying in a castle. I haven't had to set an alarm in four days. I'm a happy person.
But this weekend has been about choices, of course. Do you ever feel like life is like a test? I'm not talking the cosmic/biblical "God's just testing you....you'll get through" test. I'm talking the "make this choice or else" tests. I feel like I'm living this crazy test that determines whether or not you'll find happiness, peace, joy, love, hope, etc. There's never any answers given. You have to make an educated guess, know the answer from years of studying, or just pull an answer out of the sky because you have no freaking idea what it is. But each of these determines whether or not you pass or not. I just want an answer. Or two. wouldn't that make life so much easier? Yes.
I feel like the choices I make aren't the ones you can look back on and find the other answers you're looking for. You know the type. The ones that you answer and then a question completely relates to the previous answer and you know what it is? Yeah, life definitely isn't like that. Answers are dependent on themselves. There is no easy way out. You just have to choose. Over and over and over....and over again.
But the other thing about these choices that in this test is that you can't go back and erase the questions you've already answered. You can't fix a mistake. You can't make a problem go away. If you screwed up something great you had going for you, your done, and thats that.
But how do you figure out what will make you pass or fail? That, apparently, is one of the questions that remains to be answered.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Limbo
Once upon a time, there was a girl who worked hard, very hard, for everything she had going for her. All she wanted was to be successful to herself, her parents, and God. She wanted to make a difference. She wanted to know how to live life to its fullest potential. She wanted to know happiness. So she worked hard at her school. She worked hard at working at activities in high school so she could go off to college, get a career, and get a life.
She had friends. Only a close group, with not too many yet not too few, who loved her and who she loved above all else. She always put her friends above her work, yet somehow got all her work done too. Her friends were her world. Her friends were her life. Her friends were who would stick by her. Her friends were everything.
Her last year of high school, she found another part of herself she had never let out before; her heart. She let herself love. She let herself be vulnerable. She let herself believe that she could be happy to give up everything she had worked toward for something that she thought she wanted more; Love. In reality though, she was only lying to herself.
Months passed, love flourished, and she chose love over dreams. Dreams that didn't matter in the light of what she had found. Her love grew and the love for her grew, until love was abundant and overshadowed everything. Every once in a while, she would recall the dreams she had given up, and would be sad. But she would convince herself eventually, and be equally convinced by her love, that she had made the right choice; that those dreams were still attainable, just maybe not as soon as she wanted. Love was truly the right choice. And eventually - sadly - it became her only choice.
Her friends were all gone now, living their lives and doing what they wanted - without her. She had given up the few people that meant the world to her. That were her lifeblood. Wherever they were, she wasn't. She wasn't encouraged by love either to go chasing after them and find them. As far as she knew, they were lost to her, and she was lost to them, forgotten in the wind and blowing further and further away.
But then one day, something changed. The love broke and the world shattered. All that had been certain - a wedding, a life, a happiness, a finality to her plans..... it was all gone. The tomorrow that had been certain had been swallowed up by the monster of selfishness, and she was all alone, with no one to turn to, nothing to do, and no attainable dreams.
Her friends came back, and her dreams rekindled in her heart. She knew that all that work she had done had actually meant something anyway. She was just taking the long way there. But yet, there was still something very desolate in her heart. She had no fire anymore. No drive. There was no point.
Years rolled by. Nothing changed. Everyday when she would wake up, she would roll over and wonder if today would be good or bad, if life would start happening again. Every night when she went to bed, she would wonder if tomorrow would bring pain or joy. The bad outweighed the good. She realized quickly that there was no point to making any plans for life, because those plans always found a way of building her up, only to break her down a breath later. She saw those around her gain success and happiness, spouses and children, dreams and wonders. And everyday she wondered when something, anything, would happen to her again.
She is stuck in Limbo.
She had friends. Only a close group, with not too many yet not too few, who loved her and who she loved above all else. She always put her friends above her work, yet somehow got all her work done too. Her friends were her world. Her friends were her life. Her friends were who would stick by her. Her friends were everything.
Her last year of high school, she found another part of herself she had never let out before; her heart. She let herself love. She let herself be vulnerable. She let herself believe that she could be happy to give up everything she had worked toward for something that she thought she wanted more; Love. In reality though, she was only lying to herself.
Months passed, love flourished, and she chose love over dreams. Dreams that didn't matter in the light of what she had found. Her love grew and the love for her grew, until love was abundant and overshadowed everything. Every once in a while, she would recall the dreams she had given up, and would be sad. But she would convince herself eventually, and be equally convinced by her love, that she had made the right choice; that those dreams were still attainable, just maybe not as soon as she wanted. Love was truly the right choice. And eventually - sadly - it became her only choice.
Her friends were all gone now, living their lives and doing what they wanted - without her. She had given up the few people that meant the world to her. That were her lifeblood. Wherever they were, she wasn't. She wasn't encouraged by love either to go chasing after them and find them. As far as she knew, they were lost to her, and she was lost to them, forgotten in the wind and blowing further and further away.
But then one day, something changed. The love broke and the world shattered. All that had been certain - a wedding, a life, a happiness, a finality to her plans..... it was all gone. The tomorrow that had been certain had been swallowed up by the monster of selfishness, and she was all alone, with no one to turn to, nothing to do, and no attainable dreams.
Her friends came back, and her dreams rekindled in her heart. She knew that all that work she had done had actually meant something anyway. She was just taking the long way there. But yet, there was still something very desolate in her heart. She had no fire anymore. No drive. There was no point.
Years rolled by. Nothing changed. Everyday when she would wake up, she would roll over and wonder if today would be good or bad, if life would start happening again. Every night when she went to bed, she would wonder if tomorrow would bring pain or joy. The bad outweighed the good. She realized quickly that there was no point to making any plans for life, because those plans always found a way of building her up, only to break her down a breath later. She saw those around her gain success and happiness, spouses and children, dreams and wonders. And everyday she wondered when something, anything, would happen to her again.
She is stuck in Limbo.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Retail holiday madness and the crazies we deal with
As I left my house this afternoon at 2:30, I felt a sense of accomplishment at not having to rush out the door and get to work just in time. It takes only ten minutes to get to the mall from where I live, and I knew that although I'd probably spend ten minutes finding parking, I'd still make it to work a good few minutes earlier than usual. That is to say, I'd actually make it on time today.
As I drove down Walnut, the traffic wasn't bad. It was a normal Tuesday; normal enough, that you would never guess it was the week before Christmas. It was a peaceful, tranquil afternoon.
When I was within a block of the mall, I realized why there was minimal traffic on the road. Everyone was dealing with an epic battle to get into the same parking lot, regrettably, the same one I was trying to get into. I realized quickly I'd be lucky to get into work on time.
I hate being one of those people that will risk their life and the lives of those in their vehicle to get a premium parking spot. I'll take what I can get, even if it means walking. Hey, it's more exercise, right? So I decided to keep the "holiday spirit" and let someone who had been waiting at a stop sign in the parking lot to go first, since they had clearly been there for a while. However, the three or four cars behind them (I lost count because I was so mad) decided I obviously let them go to, which they quickly took advantage of. I soon found myself in a hopeless traffic jam which led to me realizing I was already late, which of course brought my emotion out and made me burst into tears. I was so frustrated! And the people that cut me off? They were laughing. Yes, laughing. And pointing. And no, I'm not exaggerating one bit. Thank goodness for the person that was my last hope to get to a parking space; they let me take the lead and get in line behind the countless other cars trying to find a spot.
There's a certain look that people get about five days before Christmas. You know the look. It's the "Ready, aim, CHARGE!" look. I'm convinced, especially after today, that people really do have one single agenda; come rain, snow, nuclear bomb, they will get to that goal and get that gift and they'll be damned if they don't. I soon realized that almost everyone in the mall had that look today. I thought a few times that I might die.
Work was interesting. We literally had a line the entire four hours I was there. And I had to watch what I said, very VERY closely. I never realized that people actually don't understand the concept of "buy 3, get 3 free". Literally. I had one woman ask me today "So I buy 3, and then I get them for free instead?" When I tried to explain that she would basically get six items for the price of three, she rolled her eyes and said "So what's the point of getting 3 more items then if I have to pay for them?" Wtf? Seriously? What's not to understand about that????
I've learned that my pet peeve at this job is when I ring an entire transaction through, the credit card has already cleared, and the customer is walking out the door, when they turn and say "Oh! I forgot I have this $10 off coupon. Is it too late to use it on my purchase?" Well, considering you already purchased it....duh! But sure, let me refund your entire transaction by rescanning each item, entering the price in the computer and why your returning it, and then rescanning it just so you can get roughly $10 back. If this is you, I'm sorry. But its incredibly frustrating. You don't even understand. I had a woman come in today that wanted to do this that didn't realize it yesterday, and hadn't met the $30 minimum you have to reach to get the $10 off. (She had spend $24 yesterday) So she added four items to her purchase, therefore making her total after discounts $27. Um.......Do you see what I mean? She ended up PAYING $3. After I explained to her that the $10 wouldn't actually make a difference, she still wanted to go through with it. Oh, the best part is she had left her coupon at home, but someone told her we had them up front, so we had to honor it and give it to her anyway. Seriously. I don't get it.
I think after working this Christmas season in retail, I've learned to have a greater appreciation for the people behind the counter, in the stores, everywhere. They (we) work hard to create an environment where one can purchase what they need for the people in their lives that they are giving gifts to. So thank you to all that work in a place that you deal with difficult people, decent people, or just people in general. Thank you for keeping your smile planted on your face and keeping your chin up, even though the Holiday season seems to bring out the worst in people instead of the good in people, like it should.
As I drove down Walnut, the traffic wasn't bad. It was a normal Tuesday; normal enough, that you would never guess it was the week before Christmas. It was a peaceful, tranquil afternoon.
When I was within a block of the mall, I realized why there was minimal traffic on the road. Everyone was dealing with an epic battle to get into the same parking lot, regrettably, the same one I was trying to get into. I realized quickly I'd be lucky to get into work on time.
I hate being one of those people that will risk their life and the lives of those in their vehicle to get a premium parking spot. I'll take what I can get, even if it means walking. Hey, it's more exercise, right? So I decided to keep the "holiday spirit" and let someone who had been waiting at a stop sign in the parking lot to go first, since they had clearly been there for a while. However, the three or four cars behind them (I lost count because I was so mad) decided I obviously let them go to, which they quickly took advantage of. I soon found myself in a hopeless traffic jam which led to me realizing I was already late, which of course brought my emotion out and made me burst into tears. I was so frustrated! And the people that cut me off? They were laughing. Yes, laughing. And pointing. And no, I'm not exaggerating one bit. Thank goodness for the person that was my last hope to get to a parking space; they let me take the lead and get in line behind the countless other cars trying to find a spot.
There's a certain look that people get about five days before Christmas. You know the look. It's the "Ready, aim, CHARGE!" look. I'm convinced, especially after today, that people really do have one single agenda; come rain, snow, nuclear bomb, they will get to that goal and get that gift and they'll be damned if they don't. I soon realized that almost everyone in the mall had that look today. I thought a few times that I might die.
Work was interesting. We literally had a line the entire four hours I was there. And I had to watch what I said, very VERY closely. I never realized that people actually don't understand the concept of "buy 3, get 3 free". Literally. I had one woman ask me today "So I buy 3, and then I get them for free instead?" When I tried to explain that she would basically get six items for the price of three, she rolled her eyes and said "So what's the point of getting 3 more items then if I have to pay for them?" Wtf? Seriously? What's not to understand about that????
I've learned that my pet peeve at this job is when I ring an entire transaction through, the credit card has already cleared, and the customer is walking out the door, when they turn and say "Oh! I forgot I have this $10 off coupon. Is it too late to use it on my purchase?" Well, considering you already purchased it....duh! But sure, let me refund your entire transaction by rescanning each item, entering the price in the computer and why your returning it, and then rescanning it just so you can get roughly $10 back. If this is you, I'm sorry. But its incredibly frustrating. You don't even understand. I had a woman come in today that wanted to do this that didn't realize it yesterday, and hadn't met the $30 minimum you have to reach to get the $10 off. (She had spend $24 yesterday) So she added four items to her purchase, therefore making her total after discounts $27. Um.......Do you see what I mean? She ended up PAYING $3. After I explained to her that the $10 wouldn't actually make a difference, she still wanted to go through with it. Oh, the best part is she had left her coupon at home, but someone told her we had them up front, so we had to honor it and give it to her anyway. Seriously. I don't get it.
I think after working this Christmas season in retail, I've learned to have a greater appreciation for the people behind the counter, in the stores, everywhere. They (we) work hard to create an environment where one can purchase what they need for the people in their lives that they are giving gifts to. So thank you to all that work in a place that you deal with difficult people, decent people, or just people in general. Thank you for keeping your smile planted on your face and keeping your chin up, even though the Holiday season seems to bring out the worst in people instead of the good in people, like it should.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Princesses in castles with unlocked doors and pansy princes who come to find them
I love Shrek. Everyone knows this about me. I love it. I love the idea of a princess in waiting and the most unusual, crazy/weird combination of the ogre riding up on the donkey to rescue her. I laugh just thinking about it. I laugh because I feel like that is the fairytale now. The unusual and unexpected becoming the extraordinary. It's like all the stories we hear of the princes coming to carry the princess away from the tower and win her heart is real life now, that's what we really live with. Hello? Look around you at how many people just say "He just came and swept me off my feet, and I was instantly in love." or "there she was, standing in the room, and I just knew."
For some, yeah, this is reality and it works. For others, it's what I like to call flippant dating. People meet, or have known each other and decide "hey, lets date" and they do, and a week into their relationship, the "I love you's" have come and gone, and they're planning their wedding and naming their kids. And then a few months go by and they break up, both hurt, bitter, angry, broken hearted, etc. Do you get my drift? Think about it. Just think about it. I can name five relationships that I know of off the top of my head that are just like this. So I'm going to vent a little about both parties and express my opinion. Because this is something I'm quickly becoming VERY passionate about.
Women: Okay, so being a woman, I think I know what a lot of us feel. When we get to about 20, 21 we start thinking a lot about our lives to come. It's called our twenties. We start thinking about the husband, the house, the kids, the college funds. We try to start our lives the way we want our futures to become. We unlock that stupid door in our tower and let anyone and everyone come in. We want the attention, we want to hold the auditions for Mr. Right, and we're not willing to just wait. Well why in the hell do you think your heart keeps getting broken??? YOU are putting yourself out there, to every single guy that glances your way, sends you the right text message. God forbid the man take you on a few dates and takes his time pursuing you. In your mind, you should be walking down the stupid aisle on your first date, never mind letting him romance you a little bit. "Why would I want flowers? I want a ring dummy!" Am I being harsh? Yes! But look at yourselves for a minute and tell me I'm wrong! In the book Captivating, John and Stasi Eldredge talk about the three parts of a woman's soul: Every woman has beauty to unveil, every woman wants to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and every single woman, young, old, whatever....every single living woman wants to be romanced. So, what does this mean for the here and now for single women who aren't getting what their heart desires? It doesn't mean that because ONE man says ONE thing that he's Mr. Right. It means (in the words of a dear friend of mine) to stay in the freaking tower and wait for your Shrek! For crying out loud! Stop letting yourselves be used, hurt, rejected, manipulated and drug alongside the road to heartache and let the man of your dreams find a way to romance you! Wait, wait, wait!
Men: I'm going to take a deep breath before I start.
Okay. So here's the deal. Stop being desperate. Stop stringing girls along. Stop with the "maybe's" and the "well, I just don't know's" and the "I'm just not ready for that's" and freaking make up your minds! Okay, I'm speaking on behalf of a good friend of mine who just got really hurt by this. Men (notice I'm being nice and not calling you boys??)- When you talk to a girl, kiss her, treat her like you want to DATE her, and then decide that eh, kisses don't mean commitment, guess what....to us they do! When your "between" two girls because you don't have the balls to make up your mind and date either one or the other, and then just throw one to the side and then don't say anything to her, you have no idea how much that hurts her. To her, she was in the running. Somehow, the other girl won. How does that make the girl that didn't get picked feel? Worthless. Not good enough. Not beautiful. Not worth the fight. It makes her feel like everything you ever said to her was a lie, and if it really was a lie coming from you, how is that supposed to make her feel when some other guy, who is actually going to take the time to treat her right, says those exact same things? How is she supposed to react when he does things the right way? Stop telling women you love them when you hardly even know what kinds of movies or books they like! Stop planning your future with them when your not even sure what you next move in your career or school is going to be. Stop leading women on in a "for sure" life when you aren't even sure you want that type of life. Start acting like men, who strive to look for the women, who search far and wide for the women of their dreams. Stop looking randomly through your old facebook friends that you haven't talked to in years and email the first one that looks nice and tell them you never stopped thinking about them. How are you supposed to think that they are the EXACT SAME WAY they were when you saw them YEARS ago??? Seriously? I'm not even the same person I was six months ago, let alone a year or two ago. In John Eldredge's book "Wild at Heart", he talks about the three things that make up a man's heart: Every man wants a battle to fight, an adventure to live, and a beauty to rescue. Now, I'm not saying go after the women who need rescuing. No, they need to rescue themselves first, because if they don't and ya'll don't work out, you're going to do nothing but hurt them even further and create more problems for them. But fight the battle for the beauty. Fight for her heart. Not just for a dinner date and a kiss that means nothing, but FIGHT for her. Show her you're willing to break down walls and fight a dragon for her. Show her your not some pansy knight in shiny expensive armor who just wants to get the trophy princess. Fight the battle. Live the adventure. Save the princess and knock down the door!
So, I apologize for being harsh, but I'm so sick of these things. I've seen so many of the people I care about most hurt by these very things. Hurt, jaded, bitter, angry, distraught and scared for life over things that could have been avoided. And I can promise you that I don't have all the answers, but I do know how a lot of womens minds work. And I can tell you how the heart works. And hurts. Just think a little bit about what I've said. That's all I ask.
For some, yeah, this is reality and it works. For others, it's what I like to call flippant dating. People meet, or have known each other and decide "hey, lets date" and they do, and a week into their relationship, the "I love you's" have come and gone, and they're planning their wedding and naming their kids. And then a few months go by and they break up, both hurt, bitter, angry, broken hearted, etc. Do you get my drift? Think about it. Just think about it. I can name five relationships that I know of off the top of my head that are just like this. So I'm going to vent a little about both parties and express my opinion. Because this is something I'm quickly becoming VERY passionate about.
Women: Okay, so being a woman, I think I know what a lot of us feel. When we get to about 20, 21 we start thinking a lot about our lives to come. It's called our twenties. We start thinking about the husband, the house, the kids, the college funds. We try to start our lives the way we want our futures to become. We unlock that stupid door in our tower and let anyone and everyone come in. We want the attention, we want to hold the auditions for Mr. Right, and we're not willing to just wait. Well why in the hell do you think your heart keeps getting broken??? YOU are putting yourself out there, to every single guy that glances your way, sends you the right text message. God forbid the man take you on a few dates and takes his time pursuing you. In your mind, you should be walking down the stupid aisle on your first date, never mind letting him romance you a little bit. "Why would I want flowers? I want a ring dummy!" Am I being harsh? Yes! But look at yourselves for a minute and tell me I'm wrong! In the book Captivating, John and Stasi Eldredge talk about the three parts of a woman's soul: Every woman has beauty to unveil, every woman wants to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and every single woman, young, old, whatever....every single living woman wants to be romanced. So, what does this mean for the here and now for single women who aren't getting what their heart desires? It doesn't mean that because ONE man says ONE thing that he's Mr. Right. It means (in the words of a dear friend of mine) to stay in the freaking tower and wait for your Shrek! For crying out loud! Stop letting yourselves be used, hurt, rejected, manipulated and drug alongside the road to heartache and let the man of your dreams find a way to romance you! Wait, wait, wait!
Men: I'm going to take a deep breath before I start.
Okay. So here's the deal. Stop being desperate. Stop stringing girls along. Stop with the "maybe's" and the "well, I just don't know's" and the "I'm just not ready for that's" and freaking make up your minds! Okay, I'm speaking on behalf of a good friend of mine who just got really hurt by this. Men (notice I'm being nice and not calling you boys??)- When you talk to a girl, kiss her, treat her like you want to DATE her, and then decide that eh, kisses don't mean commitment, guess what....to us they do! When your "between" two girls because you don't have the balls to make up your mind and date either one or the other, and then just throw one to the side and then don't say anything to her, you have no idea how much that hurts her. To her, she was in the running. Somehow, the other girl won. How does that make the girl that didn't get picked feel? Worthless. Not good enough. Not beautiful. Not worth the fight. It makes her feel like everything you ever said to her was a lie, and if it really was a lie coming from you, how is that supposed to make her feel when some other guy, who is actually going to take the time to treat her right, says those exact same things? How is she supposed to react when he does things the right way? Stop telling women you love them when you hardly even know what kinds of movies or books they like! Stop planning your future with them when your not even sure what you next move in your career or school is going to be. Stop leading women on in a "for sure" life when you aren't even sure you want that type of life. Start acting like men, who strive to look for the women, who search far and wide for the women of their dreams. Stop looking randomly through your old facebook friends that you haven't talked to in years and email the first one that looks nice and tell them you never stopped thinking about them. How are you supposed to think that they are the EXACT SAME WAY they were when you saw them YEARS ago??? Seriously? I'm not even the same person I was six months ago, let alone a year or two ago. In John Eldredge's book "Wild at Heart", he talks about the three things that make up a man's heart: Every man wants a battle to fight, an adventure to live, and a beauty to rescue. Now, I'm not saying go after the women who need rescuing. No, they need to rescue themselves first, because if they don't and ya'll don't work out, you're going to do nothing but hurt them even further and create more problems for them. But fight the battle for the beauty. Fight for her heart. Not just for a dinner date and a kiss that means nothing, but FIGHT for her. Show her you're willing to break down walls and fight a dragon for her. Show her your not some pansy knight in shiny expensive armor who just wants to get the trophy princess. Fight the battle. Live the adventure. Save the princess and knock down the door!
So, I apologize for being harsh, but I'm so sick of these things. I've seen so many of the people I care about most hurt by these very things. Hurt, jaded, bitter, angry, distraught and scared for life over things that could have been avoided. And I can promise you that I don't have all the answers, but I do know how a lot of womens minds work. And I can tell you how the heart works. And hurts. Just think a little bit about what I've said. That's all I ask.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Crap in the Garden
Crap. In its literal and figurative sense, it's in each of our lives every day, whether we like it or not, and there's no way to get away from it. But what we choose to do with it is what can make or break a good day.
I was having a conversation with a friend recently, who was having a bit of trouble in their life. They explained to me that they know they are a good person, but there's just this little part of them that has a dark side, and sometimes they just wish that side could take over. They explained that that dark side has been birthed by all the crap they've been put through their entire life, and all the lies they've allowed themselves to believe. It would just be easier if they could give in and just let the darkness take over them instead of just getting hurt by those they care about all the time. This is what followed.
Life gives us crap. All of us. And by this age in our lives, we all have a lot of it, whether it's from parents or peers or boyfriends and girlfriends, past or present, or brothers or sisters or coworkers or pastors or teachers or whatever else might be. We have all been hurt in some way or another by most, if not all, the people we love and care about. But it's what we do with it. If we're willing to take the risk, and take the good in our lives and let that rule us, then the crap doesn't have to either win or lose; it can help. Think about this: My stepmom has one of the most beautiful gardens I've ever seen in my life. I mean, she spends hours upon hours primping the plants and pruning them just right so the flower grows this way, or the vine goes that way. I'm not a gardening person at all, but my gosh! I love our backyard in the late spring/early summer. It's quite a sight to see, let me just say that. Anyway, I remember one time walking in the backyard to ask her something and smelled one of the most hideous smells I've ever smelled. What makes plants grow? Fertilizer. What makes fertilizer? Manure. Poop. Crap. Compost. Nastiness. But do plants and flowers and vines and gardens grow and turn gorgeous without it? Not really. You can get knock-off stuff to make plants seem vibrant and beautiful, but nothing does the trick like fertilizer.
So what can we do with all the built up crap in our lives? Well, first off (I'll try not to throw in all the psychological junk, I'm just trying to take thoughts and share them with the unwanting world) we can take the crap in our lives and learn from it. Take it to a whole other level and instead of dwelling on why so and so hurt us so bad, and why such and such had to happen such and such way, dwell on what you can take from it, the positives, and figure out what to do with it. Treat the positives like the nutrients the soil takes from the fertilizer. The rest is garbage.
Second, let it build you up, not down. It's interesting how ugly things turn into something beautiful. One of my favorite sermons by Erwin McManus was entitled "Beauty" and it dealt with how horrible and terrible things can turn into something glorious and fruitful. Like the death of Jesus. It was a terrible, ugly, hideous thing....but when he rose three days later, it was beautiful. And he did it so we may have that beauty too.
It's amazing what we can learn from our past. We can learn to love more, to love others, to love life, to love God more, to love heaven more. But we can also learn to hate, to suffer, to lie, to cheat, to steal, to lose all sense of hope, faith and joy. We can learn to not care to the point of throwing ourselves in harms way, which really, is just testing God to see if he will smite us on the spot or love us through to the end.
Gardens require fertilizer. Life requires crap. We can become something beautiful, if we're willing to deal with the crap in healthy ways and learn from it what we can't be taught through anything but experience. We can make the ugly into something beautiful.
I was having a conversation with a friend recently, who was having a bit of trouble in their life. They explained to me that they know they are a good person, but there's just this little part of them that has a dark side, and sometimes they just wish that side could take over. They explained that that dark side has been birthed by all the crap they've been put through their entire life, and all the lies they've allowed themselves to believe. It would just be easier if they could give in and just let the darkness take over them instead of just getting hurt by those they care about all the time. This is what followed.
Life gives us crap. All of us. And by this age in our lives, we all have a lot of it, whether it's from parents or peers or boyfriends and girlfriends, past or present, or brothers or sisters or coworkers or pastors or teachers or whatever else might be. We have all been hurt in some way or another by most, if not all, the people we love and care about. But it's what we do with it. If we're willing to take the risk, and take the good in our lives and let that rule us, then the crap doesn't have to either win or lose; it can help. Think about this: My stepmom has one of the most beautiful gardens I've ever seen in my life. I mean, she spends hours upon hours primping the plants and pruning them just right so the flower grows this way, or the vine goes that way. I'm not a gardening person at all, but my gosh! I love our backyard in the late spring/early summer. It's quite a sight to see, let me just say that. Anyway, I remember one time walking in the backyard to ask her something and smelled one of the most hideous smells I've ever smelled. What makes plants grow? Fertilizer. What makes fertilizer? Manure. Poop. Crap. Compost. Nastiness. But do plants and flowers and vines and gardens grow and turn gorgeous without it? Not really. You can get knock-off stuff to make plants seem vibrant and beautiful, but nothing does the trick like fertilizer.
So what can we do with all the built up crap in our lives? Well, first off (I'll try not to throw in all the psychological junk, I'm just trying to take thoughts and share them with the unwanting world) we can take the crap in our lives and learn from it. Take it to a whole other level and instead of dwelling on why so and so hurt us so bad, and why such and such had to happen such and such way, dwell on what you can take from it, the positives, and figure out what to do with it. Treat the positives like the nutrients the soil takes from the fertilizer. The rest is garbage.
Second, let it build you up, not down. It's interesting how ugly things turn into something beautiful. One of my favorite sermons by Erwin McManus was entitled "Beauty" and it dealt with how horrible and terrible things can turn into something glorious and fruitful. Like the death of Jesus. It was a terrible, ugly, hideous thing....but when he rose three days later, it was beautiful. And he did it so we may have that beauty too.
It's amazing what we can learn from our past. We can learn to love more, to love others, to love life, to love God more, to love heaven more. But we can also learn to hate, to suffer, to lie, to cheat, to steal, to lose all sense of hope, faith and joy. We can learn to not care to the point of throwing ourselves in harms way, which really, is just testing God to see if he will smite us on the spot or love us through to the end.
Gardens require fertilizer. Life requires crap. We can become something beautiful, if we're willing to deal with the crap in healthy ways and learn from it what we can't be taught through anything but experience. We can make the ugly into something beautiful.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Jesus died....Wait, wasn't he supposed to rise again?
It's Easter Sunday. The eggs have been found, the kids are all dressed up, casual churches are putting on their Sunday bests and putting their best foot forward provide their church with a top notch service. But for how many was this week an "if I have time to go to church, I will," or a "I didn't even know it was Easter until on Palm Sunday they announced the Easter services?" I know for me, this was pretty much the case. I didn't even know we had entered into the preparation of the Easter time until about two weeks ago when I realized Easter was in a couple of weeks. But even then it was in the back of my mind for the most part.
It's sad to think that a day that marked the most important day in the history of mankind (and especially Christianity?) can be put to the side so easily. To know that this was the day Jesus overcame death so we could have life. So we could have salvation through the blood He spilled. I can't say how many times I've decided it was easier to just not go to church because I was tired, or because I didn't have a church to go to...but to forget about it altogether, on such a miraculous, beautiful day? That kind of breaks my heart a little bit. Maybe today is a day to give our hearts totally and and completely back to Jesus, in a way we never have before. Maybe today is the day to turn from all the spiritual unrest and burdens we've been carrying around for days, months, years, and remember what Jesus put himself on that cross for; you and me.
This song has been on my heart the last few days. It's kind of interesting because for the last few weeks, I seem to wake up with a different worship song in my head for that day. I love this song because of the metaphor of the ashes turning to beauty. The metaphor and symbolism of that is breathtaking. Maybe today, we can forget the ugliness of the world, and embrace the beauty of what Jesus did. Maybe today, we can remember how to be thankful for the ultimate sacrifice Jesus gave for the world, even people who were (are?) opposed to him, and who judged him for being blameless. Maybe today, we can choose to turn our ashes into beauty.
At the foot of the cross
Where grace and suffering meet
You have shown me Your love
Through the judgment You received
And You've won my heart
And You've won my heart
Now I can
Trade these ashes in for beauty
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down
At the foot of the cross
At the foot of the cross
Where I am made complete
You have given me life
Through the death you bore for me
And You've won my heart
And You've won my heart
Now I can
Trade these ashes in for beauty
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down
At the foot of the cross
It's sad to think that a day that marked the most important day in the history of mankind (and especially Christianity?) can be put to the side so easily. To know that this was the day Jesus overcame death so we could have life. So we could have salvation through the blood He spilled. I can't say how many times I've decided it was easier to just not go to church because I was tired, or because I didn't have a church to go to...but to forget about it altogether, on such a miraculous, beautiful day? That kind of breaks my heart a little bit. Maybe today is a day to give our hearts totally and and completely back to Jesus, in a way we never have before. Maybe today is the day to turn from all the spiritual unrest and burdens we've been carrying around for days, months, years, and remember what Jesus put himself on that cross for; you and me.
This song has been on my heart the last few days. It's kind of interesting because for the last few weeks, I seem to wake up with a different worship song in my head for that day. I love this song because of the metaphor of the ashes turning to beauty. The metaphor and symbolism of that is breathtaking. Maybe today, we can forget the ugliness of the world, and embrace the beauty of what Jesus did. Maybe today, we can remember how to be thankful for the ultimate sacrifice Jesus gave for the world, even people who were (are?) opposed to him, and who judged him for being blameless. Maybe today, we can choose to turn our ashes into beauty.
At the foot of the cross
Where grace and suffering meet
You have shown me Your love
Through the judgment You received
And You've won my heart
And You've won my heart
Now I can
Trade these ashes in for beauty
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down
At the foot of the cross
At the foot of the cross
Where I am made complete
You have given me life
Through the death you bore for me
And You've won my heart
And You've won my heart
Now I can
Trade these ashes in for beauty
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down
At the foot of the cross
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Life after New Hope
This past month or so has been a challenge of making conscious decisions to hold myself accountable to spiritual discipline. I've gone down this path before, but never with the intentions and vigor I have now. When I was sick in bed at the beginning of March with mono, I had all the time in the world to read. I was reading sappy romance novels like "Dear John," "The Time Traveler's Wife," and "The Last Song," all of which were wonderful books (except Dear John...I'll never ever ever recommend that one to anyone who has ever been broken hearted before.) But I found myself wanting all the more to read the Bible. How many times in the last eight or nine years have I said to myself "I want to read the Bible all the way through" but have never done that? So I did. Along with making a prayer plan, and having all the people I care about on that list to pray for every day. It's been a neat adventure so far.
But this last Sunday, one of many Sunday's I've spent at home sleeping, or at work making lattes....I found myself sad. Not because of anything that happened that day or anything else, but because I'm in need of a church home. Let me tell you a little about why this is disheartening.
I used to go to a church, that was less of a "religious" atmosphere and more of a family. They were my family. Through the nearly eight years I spent with this family, I saw many people come and go. Nearly everyone I knew when I first started going there has gone their separate ways, and I hardly know where anyone is anymore. The people that mattered most to me, the people I shared life with...well, I hardly know any of them anymore. It's almost as if we all got scattered in the wind. These were people I grew with, people I worshiped with, the people who saw me baptized. In the last two years especially that I went there, I grew so much in my faith. When our church had a crisis over communication, in which over half the church walked out, there were many of us who fought for the name of that church, who strove to make things right. Half of our family walked out, and I don't even know how many I've seen since. How many we've made things right with. I only know that part of my family went missing that day.
When I left the church a year and a half ago, I did so in hope of being honorable. I had already been planning on leaving the church when possible because of some differences, and I was in need of a change. What made me leave wasn't what I would have chosen, but I guess that's part of life.
But as I sat last Sunday, I realized there really is no life after New Hope. Not for me, anyway. Right after I left, I started going to one of the more popular churches in town, and liked it for about five months, but it was just never "home" for me. It didn't have that community feel to it, that sanctuary of people who knew my story and let me into theirs. Five months in, and I think I met maybe six new people. I checked out another church that was one of the most down to earth churches I've ever been to, and had an amazing sense of love and community. But the community was withdrawn. It felt as though you had to have been a part of this community for years and years to ever belong there. Everyone already knew each other, and there were no new faces, except mine of course. After that, I started going to a different church that I knew a couple of people at, but still felt very wary about. This church worked for me, because it felt like New Hope, but in a different way.
But even as I attend this church now on days I'm not working, there is still something missing; my family. I miss the people I worshiped with, that I grew up with, that I watched grow up. There were kids I taught in Sunday School that I felt like I had helped raise, simply because I could remember when they were infants, and now they were telling me they had accepted Jesus into their lives. I miss that family so much. I have watched that church go through so much change, and although change is so good and so necessary, change also leaves a sting that is hard to get rid of. Of most of the people I know that have left, I know where most of them go. I know that they still have that family because they all left and created their own. But I don't think that family will ever be mine again. And how that hurts.
I see this in my parents too. They left not long after I did, and it has been just as hard a journey for them. They have tried countless churches in Visalia, and have found one that feels like it could fit with them. But even in talking to my stepmom the other day, she doesn't have her family. She went to the church for 15 years, and grew with those people too. And she doesn't have that anymore.
New Hope was home. It was a family. And to be quite honest, I don't think there is life after New Hope. It was a breeding ground for imperfect people, people who were seeking and not afraid to knock. It ranged from staunch Calvinists to artisans to people with Catholic or Pentecostal backgrounds.... but we all had something unique that brought us together, something that made us a family and made us love one another in a way I've never seen a church love.
We were able to love God by loving each other.
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