"For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear downa nd a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.
What do people really get for all their hard work? I have seen the burden God has placed on us all. yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end" (Ecclesiastes 3:1-11
My beloved church is going through a time of transition right now. Our wonderful pastor, who I've known for close to seven years, is taking a year away from ministry and moving. As happy as I am for him and his family, this leaves me in a state of extreme uncertainty. This has happened before. Several times, in fact. What happens next? Who is going to take over pastoring our church? What if they aren't as loving as he is? What if they don't teach the gospel correctly? What if they lead our church down a road we never wanted to go? What if? WHAT IF?
The reality is written right there in the scripture above. "...yet god has made everything beautiful for its own time....people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end." OVC is a part of The Church, the complete and whole body of Christ. We are not in control. We can try to control it as much as we want, but ultimately it is God's work, not ours.
Ephesians 4:11 says, "Now these are the gifts Christ gave to the church: the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, and the pastors and teachers. Their responsibility is to equip God's people to do his work and build up the church, the body of Christ. This will continue until we all come to such unity in our faith and knowledge of God's Son that we will be mature in the Lord, measuring up to the full and complete standard of Christ."
A pastor's work is to "...equip God's people to do his work and build up the church..." I can speak from experience that our pastor has done this over and over again. He has taught each and every one of us to go out into the world with love and compassion, and how to be leaders in Christ so we can go out and evangelize to others.
Trusting in God to pull our church through this is a difficult task. Actually, fully trusting God does not come easy anyway. We are blessed enough to have an elder board equipped with some amazing men of God, men who will make wise decisions based on prayer to God. Knowing that God has given our church these tools gives me great peace in knowing that what happened at my old church won't happen here.
In his farewell sermon, our pastor left us with these four points to follow for the rest of, well, Life.
1) Run after Jesus
— 2 Tim. 4:7-8 "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, and I have remained faithful. And now, the prize awaits me - the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will give me on the day of his return. And the prize is not just for me, but for all who eagerly look forward to his appearing."
2) Remember who we are and who God is
— 2 Cor. 5:21 "For God made Christ, who never sinned, to be the offering for our sin, so that we could be made right with God through Christ." (My personal note for this one was "Living fearlessly for God")
3) Live with Gratitude
— Heb 12:28-29 "Since we are receiving a Kingdom that is unshakable, let us be thankful and please God by worshiping him with holy fear and awe. For our God is a devouring fire."
4) Follow your passion
— Col. 3:23-24 "Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. Remember that the Lord will give you an inheritance as your reward, and that the Master you are serving is Christ."
These were all encouraging, and of course, accurate. This is a time of transition. Nothing more, nothing less. No matter what, God is in control. And only he knows what the big picture is.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Friday, March 15, 2013
Let Go and Let God
If you read my last blog, you probably noticed it was riddled with sarcasm, pessimism and frustration. Yes, it was indeed. However, through the prayer and support of friends over the last couple of weeks, all that anger and resentment has turned into a positive new outlook on life. I'm still hurt by the events that led up to me proclaiming such things, and still believe what I wrote to an extent. But...there is so much more to it than that.
Over the last few months, I've felt incredibly convicted to serve either at my church, or by volunteering, or by doing mission work. Each time it is brought up in church or Bible study or even just conversation, I feel incredibly convicted. I've always enjoyed serving, but haven't been actively involved in service in a long time. A couple of weeks ago, I found out our church was doing a mission trip down to Mexico. My friend Lacey told me about it, and since I hadn't been at church in weeks due to work, I hadn't heard anything about it at all really. I started praying about it that night, and the next day at work, I really started thinking about it. I even mentioned it to a co-worker, and she encouraged me to pray about it and really listen to what God was saying. It's funny...Even while doing my job, I started not necessarily arguing with God, but coming up with all the reasons in my head why I couldn't go on this trip. And God started counteracting what I was saying. I shouldn't go because I'm going to Colorado and on vacation next month. You don't need to spend as much money as you think. I don't know if I can take another week off of work or if my boss will let me. All you can do is ask. I really need to start saving my money. Be a better steward with your money between now and then. I don't have the vacation hours to cover yet another week of missing work. God will provide. When I realized (or heard?) that God will provide, I knew I ran out of excuses and that I really had no excuse not to go. It's funny how God works.
So since then I've been thinking a lot about serving. We actually just talked about it at Bible study this last week, and all made commitments on how we will begin to serve. I'm excited about it. And I came to realized just how much I have truly missed serving, both inside and outside the church.
Back when I first graduated high school and was headed toward marriage and all other things, I remember that that was truly the most exciting time of my life. But not because I was dating this seemingly awesome guy that I was going to marry, or because I was going to be a wife/mom/college graduate. No, I was excited because I was literally going to live my life serving in the church. I was going to be a pastors wife, and build a church and see it grow and work hard to do service for God. And I forgot how exciting that was. When I go on this trip to Mexico, I really do hope I remember how excited I was to serve, and I'm excited to see what God tells me to do with that excitement.
I feel like I've finally learned how to "Let go and let God." I've put all my plans, all my dreams and hopes to rest. As of this moment, I realize that a) God has closed indefinitely the door to finishing college and b) I currently have no desire to get married, either anytime soon or ever for that matter. It's almost comical to me simply because I've spent so much time trying to achieve these things, when the whole time God just might have been saying "no."
When I was a senior in high school, I was doing everything they told me to do to get scholarships, financial aid and graduate college. I had a 4.08 GPA, held officer positions in ASB, Choir and Link Crew, and was actively involved in Drama and a couple of other clubs, I had outstanding letters of recommendation, and was involved in multiple church service projects. Everyone I ever talked to said there was absolutely no explainable reason why I got ZERO financial aid and ZERO scholarships. I find this funny because they only explainable thing I can think of was that God had already closed that door back then, but I didn't realize it and it didn't make sense to me why God would close that door. At that time in my life, I thought I was the closest to God that I could get. But oh how wrong I was! I had surrendered my hopes and dreams to God...but it was more of a conditional surrender. In my mind, If I dedicate my life to God and worship and pray more and study him more, he'll bless these things for me. In reality, it should have been, If I surrender these things completely to God, he'll give me the true desires of my heart and lead me on the path He wants me on.
In my life now, I've surrendered those things to him for the first time, ever really. I'm at a point in my life where my dreams I've fought him so hard to keep are gone and I'm left with the knowledge that God is ultimately and completely in control. I don't have plans. I know that I'm being considered for promotion at work. I know I'm currently paying off a trip to Ireland that I've wanted to go on since I was a little girl. But as far as where my life is actually headed, I have no idea. And no plan as of right now. I'm letting go, and letting God. And I feel fantastic about it.
Over the last few months, I've felt incredibly convicted to serve either at my church, or by volunteering, or by doing mission work. Each time it is brought up in church or Bible study or even just conversation, I feel incredibly convicted. I've always enjoyed serving, but haven't been actively involved in service in a long time. A couple of weeks ago, I found out our church was doing a mission trip down to Mexico. My friend Lacey told me about it, and since I hadn't been at church in weeks due to work, I hadn't heard anything about it at all really. I started praying about it that night, and the next day at work, I really started thinking about it. I even mentioned it to a co-worker, and she encouraged me to pray about it and really listen to what God was saying. It's funny...Even while doing my job, I started not necessarily arguing with God, but coming up with all the reasons in my head why I couldn't go on this trip. And God started counteracting what I was saying. I shouldn't go because I'm going to Colorado and on vacation next month. You don't need to spend as much money as you think. I don't know if I can take another week off of work or if my boss will let me. All you can do is ask. I really need to start saving my money. Be a better steward with your money between now and then. I don't have the vacation hours to cover yet another week of missing work. God will provide. When I realized (or heard?) that God will provide, I knew I ran out of excuses and that I really had no excuse not to go. It's funny how God works.
So since then I've been thinking a lot about serving. We actually just talked about it at Bible study this last week, and all made commitments on how we will begin to serve. I'm excited about it. And I came to realized just how much I have truly missed serving, both inside and outside the church.
Back when I first graduated high school and was headed toward marriage and all other things, I remember that that was truly the most exciting time of my life. But not because I was dating this seemingly awesome guy that I was going to marry, or because I was going to be a wife/mom/college graduate. No, I was excited because I was literally going to live my life serving in the church. I was going to be a pastors wife, and build a church and see it grow and work hard to do service for God. And I forgot how exciting that was. When I go on this trip to Mexico, I really do hope I remember how excited I was to serve, and I'm excited to see what God tells me to do with that excitement.
I feel like I've finally learned how to "Let go and let God." I've put all my plans, all my dreams and hopes to rest. As of this moment, I realize that a) God has closed indefinitely the door to finishing college and b) I currently have no desire to get married, either anytime soon or ever for that matter. It's almost comical to me simply because I've spent so much time trying to achieve these things, when the whole time God just might have been saying "no."
When I was a senior in high school, I was doing everything they told me to do to get scholarships, financial aid and graduate college. I had a 4.08 GPA, held officer positions in ASB, Choir and Link Crew, and was actively involved in Drama and a couple of other clubs, I had outstanding letters of recommendation, and was involved in multiple church service projects. Everyone I ever talked to said there was absolutely no explainable reason why I got ZERO financial aid and ZERO scholarships. I find this funny because they only explainable thing I can think of was that God had already closed that door back then, but I didn't realize it and it didn't make sense to me why God would close that door. At that time in my life, I thought I was the closest to God that I could get. But oh how wrong I was! I had surrendered my hopes and dreams to God...but it was more of a conditional surrender. In my mind, If I dedicate my life to God and worship and pray more and study him more, he'll bless these things for me. In reality, it should have been, If I surrender these things completely to God, he'll give me the true desires of my heart and lead me on the path He wants me on.
In my life now, I've surrendered those things to him for the first time, ever really. I'm at a point in my life where my dreams I've fought him so hard to keep are gone and I'm left with the knowledge that God is ultimately and completely in control. I don't have plans. I know that I'm being considered for promotion at work. I know I'm currently paying off a trip to Ireland that I've wanted to go on since I was a little girl. But as far as where my life is actually headed, I have no idea. And no plan as of right now. I'm letting go, and letting God. And I feel fantastic about it.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Another Dream Put to Rest
Disclaimer: If your reading this and your a) a man or b) a woman who trusts at the drop of a hat, you're not going to like this and you really just shouldn't read it. This is how I feel, what I've come to accept. I've been denying how I really feel for a long time, and it's high time I accepted it. If your opinion of me drops, so be it.
Over the last few days, I've learned a great deal about my family, and inadvertently, my life. I've learned that my family sin is lying and deceit, among other things, and I've made it my personal goal in life to be the one to break the cycle. I've also, somewhere along the way, realized that every man in my life that I've ever admired, looked up to, or trusted unconditionally has let me down by lying and deceiving me. The man I was going to marry lied to me, manipulated me, and then ultimately cheated on me. Relatives in my family have hidden things from me, lied to me and have made it impossible to trust them again....ultimately leading me to the point I never thought I'd actually come to.
I never, ever, in this ridiculous life, want to get married.
It's been proven to me over and over again that no relationship is really "good." There is always a problem, some major opposition. And how many people work it through the right way? Or all the way? It's also been proven to me over and over that men (and no, I won't sugarcoat this by saying only some men) can not be trusted. I have seen so many of the women of my life, myself included, hurt and/or devastated by lying and cheating, some by husbands or significant others, some by the most influential men in their lives. Lets just face it: chivalry in my generation is dead. Yes, men know how to show romantic gestures and "woo". But how much of that is BS? And how many times, MEN, have you let a woman walk to her car, in the dark, alone, and not even thought twice about it? And how many times, BOYFRIENDS, have you let your girlfriend drive somewhere and not bothered to check if she got home alright? And how many times, HUSBANDS, have you "innocently" flirted with the women you encounter and not thought it unfaithful? YOU are living proof of what I'm talking about.
A pet peeve I've come to terms with is how many of these damn men are men who are "friends" with girls and treat them like they're interested in them. Okay guys....women are relational creatures. Can we be friends with men without getting the "wrong impression?" HELL YES WE CAN!!!! We don't fall head over heels for every idiot that comes our way. But MEN....when you say the sweet, perfect things, and act the way not of a friend, but of someone who wants more, what do you expect? Don't act like a prospect and then treat us like a little sister the next day. Seriously, I have several male friends who do this, and I'm sick of the women around me constantly getting hurt! It sucks sitting next to a girl who has once again been devastated by a guy who was flirty and acting like a guy who wanted to date her, only to find out he's actually been dating someone. I mean seriously? I work in customer service. I see it every day. And I'm sick of it. And it doesn't stop outside the walls of the church. Sometimes it's at the very heart of it.
A dream I've had my entire life has been to get married and be a mom. Honestly, I don't even want it anymore. I'm disgusted by the men I see these days. That's not to say there aren't a few good ones out there, there are. But the majority of men I come into contact with in my life fit this. And I just can't trust the heart of men anymore.
Over the last few days, I've learned a great deal about my family, and inadvertently, my life. I've learned that my family sin is lying and deceit, among other things, and I've made it my personal goal in life to be the one to break the cycle. I've also, somewhere along the way, realized that every man in my life that I've ever admired, looked up to, or trusted unconditionally has let me down by lying and deceiving me. The man I was going to marry lied to me, manipulated me, and then ultimately cheated on me. Relatives in my family have hidden things from me, lied to me and have made it impossible to trust them again....ultimately leading me to the point I never thought I'd actually come to.
I never, ever, in this ridiculous life, want to get married.
It's been proven to me over and over again that no relationship is really "good." There is always a problem, some major opposition. And how many people work it through the right way? Or all the way? It's also been proven to me over and over that men (and no, I won't sugarcoat this by saying only some men) can not be trusted. I have seen so many of the women of my life, myself included, hurt and/or devastated by lying and cheating, some by husbands or significant others, some by the most influential men in their lives. Lets just face it: chivalry in my generation is dead. Yes, men know how to show romantic gestures and "woo". But how much of that is BS? And how many times, MEN, have you let a woman walk to her car, in the dark, alone, and not even thought twice about it? And how many times, BOYFRIENDS, have you let your girlfriend drive somewhere and not bothered to check if she got home alright? And how many times, HUSBANDS, have you "innocently" flirted with the women you encounter and not thought it unfaithful? YOU are living proof of what I'm talking about.
A pet peeve I've come to terms with is how many of these damn men are men who are "friends" with girls and treat them like they're interested in them. Okay guys....women are relational creatures. Can we be friends with men without getting the "wrong impression?" HELL YES WE CAN!!!! We don't fall head over heels for every idiot that comes our way. But MEN....when you say the sweet, perfect things, and act the way not of a friend, but of someone who wants more, what do you expect? Don't act like a prospect and then treat us like a little sister the next day. Seriously, I have several male friends who do this, and I'm sick of the women around me constantly getting hurt! It sucks sitting next to a girl who has once again been devastated by a guy who was flirty and acting like a guy who wanted to date her, only to find out he's actually been dating someone. I mean seriously? I work in customer service. I see it every day. And I'm sick of it. And it doesn't stop outside the walls of the church. Sometimes it's at the very heart of it.
A dream I've had my entire life has been to get married and be a mom. Honestly, I don't even want it anymore. I'm disgusted by the men I see these days. That's not to say there aren't a few good ones out there, there are. But the majority of men I come into contact with in my life fit this. And I just can't trust the heart of men anymore.
Friday, January 11, 2013
New Year, New Plans
Happy New Year! (ten days late)
New Year is my favorite holiday. Why? Because it's all about new beginnings, new adventures, new discoveries. It's about leaving the failures of last year behind you and delving into the new year with newfound excitement!!!!
These are the plans I had for myself when the new year hit in 2007:
Graduate high school (I did!!)
Go to college (Eh, COS counts I guess)
Get my BA (Still in the works)
Get married (I still haven't)
Travel (I've been out of state twice since)
So in a nutshell, I've done absolutely NOTHING in the last six years. All those dreams, all those plans.....I did none of them.
This last year, I planned on finishing at COS and then going to a four-year. However, I'm absolutely positive that God has closed that door for right now. I was also supposed to go to New Zealand and Australia, but needed to be independent, so I moved out of the house and out on my own instead. Yes, it's been great, but...I'm not, nor have I done, anything but school.
On Christmas Eve, I saw that I had the opportunity to go to the place I've wanted to go since I was a child: Ireland. I can actually afford it, on my own, while also living on my own and providing for myself. I'm so excited!! There is literally no way to describe how stoked I am about this.
Now, since I've been learning how to be domestic, and since I'm going to Ireland in about 460 days, I've decided to embark on another adventure in the next few months: cooking and learning everything I can about Ireland. So, with that being said, venture on over to my new blog and keep up with my new adventure. Yes, I'll still vent on here, and talk about life's adventures, but cooking and culture will take place here:
http://celticcookingjourney.blogspot.com/
Enjoy!! And if you have information on history or the culture of Ireland, PLEASE share it with me. I want to learn all I can about this country before I go.
New Year is my favorite holiday. Why? Because it's all about new beginnings, new adventures, new discoveries. It's about leaving the failures of last year behind you and delving into the new year with newfound excitement!!!!
These are the plans I had for myself when the new year hit in 2007:
Graduate high school (I did!!)
Go to college (Eh, COS counts I guess)
Get my BA (Still in the works)
Get married (I still haven't)
Travel (I've been out of state twice since)
So in a nutshell, I've done absolutely NOTHING in the last six years. All those dreams, all those plans.....I did none of them.
This last year, I planned on finishing at COS and then going to a four-year. However, I'm absolutely positive that God has closed that door for right now. I was also supposed to go to New Zealand and Australia, but needed to be independent, so I moved out of the house and out on my own instead. Yes, it's been great, but...I'm not, nor have I done, anything but school.
On Christmas Eve, I saw that I had the opportunity to go to the place I've wanted to go since I was a child: Ireland. I can actually afford it, on my own, while also living on my own and providing for myself. I'm so excited!! There is literally no way to describe how stoked I am about this.
Now, since I've been learning how to be domestic, and since I'm going to Ireland in about 460 days, I've decided to embark on another adventure in the next few months: cooking and learning everything I can about Ireland. So, with that being said, venture on over to my new blog and keep up with my new adventure. Yes, I'll still vent on here, and talk about life's adventures, but cooking and culture will take place here:
http://celticcookingjourney.blogspot.com/
Enjoy!! And if you have information on history or the culture of Ireland, PLEASE share it with me. I want to learn all I can about this country before I go.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
When Will My Life Begin?
I'm not writing this so you'll feel bad for me, or so I seem like I need encouragement or anything else. I'm simply writing this to share what has been going on, so I can stop being fake with everyone in my life just so I don't seem like the "Debbie-downer of the group," and so hopefully you can understand a little more about where I'm at right now....because even when I tell my closest friends what I'm going through, they downplay it and try to "convince" me that that's not what I'm actually dealing with, but I just need to "trust God" and "listen to what He says." Yeah, I get that. It doesn't change the fact that I know what I'm feeling.
For about the past ten weeks or so, since about mid-August/beginning of September, I've been battling with depression. It's gotten more and more severe since it started (minimally) during the summer, but it's just been getting worse and worse. As I shared a few weeks back, I felt as though I wasn't really supposed to be going to school for right now. Well, I tried to take a class anyway, and God once again shut that door in my face, thus solidifying my already growing feelings that I wasn't supposed to. Since then, I can't seem to pick myself back up. Immediately following that major disappointment, I was faced with another one, one that I knew would end in heart-ache, but I let myself be vulnerable again and it blew up in my face. Again. It feels like God just keeps putting these seemingly perfect situations in front of me, like my dreams are finally reachable....and then suddenly they become so unattainable that I feel like the biggest idiot in the world for even believing I could attain them.
Depression is something that I've dealt with before, but my coping method has always been to just make myself busy and not think about it. Unhealthy? Yes, but it works and I can keep my mind focused and concentrated. What's been the worst about this time is that I've shared it with a few people, and they've downplayed it. One person responded with "I don't think you're depressed, you're just melancholy." Another person said "What you need is to go out, have fun, and not worry about it. It'll all just work itself out." Yet another simply nodded, and said "Well, God has a plan for you. You just need to trust him. He'll show you what you need." Well yes, that is true, I don't doubt that at all, but just because it's true doesn't mean that I'm going to feel better by someone telling me that.
When I'm depressed, I tend to just numb my emotions. I have this wonderful knack of just being able to turn them off at will. Do I become a cold-hearted bitch? Yep! But if it means protecting myself from a full-fledged breakdown, then I'm willing to do that. Well, that lasted about a month, and one night I couldn't contain it anymore and finally had the breakdown I had been avoiding. It lasted about two hours. I pulled myself together, went to bed, woke up the next morning and did what I do everyday: work and put on my happy face.
I was able to stand actually dealing with the emotions I had accidentally let loose, but eventually I was able to feel numb again, and was coping only in my own solitude.
That was until three weeks ago. I was at work and my dad called me to tell me they would be putting my grandfather on hospice care the next day. I broke down at work, left early, and rushed to be with family. Somehow this all seemed right. Now, let me clear this up a little bit. This grandfather and I were NEVER close. The fondest memory I have of him was sitting on my grandparents lawn with him and my grandmother when I was about nine or ten, and watching the fireworks on 4th of July...and that memory more stays in my mind because they had two dogs, and my aunt was in town, which was always a special treat. But ten years ago, after my grandmother died, he acquired dementia, which, if you know anything about it, is one of the most devastating diseases to get, both for the victim and the family. After about five years, he was calling us all different names; by seven years, he was responding with two and three word sentences or gibberish, and by last Christmas he just kind of stared at all of us and didn't say a whole lot at all.
Now, ever since my mom died, I've never been a fan of hospitals. But I knew I had to see him, because I sensed he would only be here a few more days, and regardless of our lack of relationship, he was still my grandpa and I needed to see him. He said he recognized me, but he never said my name, so I don't actually know if he did or not. But he just stared at my for a solid three minutes until I couldn't handle it, and told him I loved him, but I had to go. He actually said "I love you" back. That was on Wednesday. On Saturday, I got the call that he had hours to live. I went to be with him and family, and witnessed yet another person take their final breath on this earth. It doesn't get any easier.
I don't really understand why his death is more troubling to me than most of the other deaths in my family I've experienced. It may be because I'm older, it might be because as an adult, death is so much more real. But since he died, and for the first time in my life, I find myself asking, what's the point?
**Now please, don't read what I have to say and try to "rescue" me and tell me that it'll all be okay, this is just part of life. I know more than most people that THIS is part of life. I lost my mom and both grandmothers in less than a year's time. I KNOW death. And don't take the morbidity of what I'm feeling to mean that I'm in anyway depressed enough to harm myself or others. I'm far more stable than that. But I can't help that I feel this way. I just do. **
Ever since he died, and especially his funeral, I've kind of just had a "what's the point?" attitude. And seriously, what's the point? We live this life, we go to school, we buy a house, we get married, we have kids, we have grandkids....all for what? So we can eventually just end up hurting all those people that we care about so much by....dying? All life is is heartache. We put ourselves out there, we get taken advantage of. We trust, we get lied to. We fall in love, we get our hearts broken. We love those around us, they simply let us down. We walk away, we never look back. So why? Why the hell are we here? We're put on this earth to glorify God, so does that mean that I just need to do a whole bunch of crap to make Him happy? Am I really supposed to give up hope in anything? Anymore I just feel like I'm a waste of space. I have a job that I work, at most, 40 hours a week at, go to church/study for a whole 4 hours max....and aside from that and the occasional get-together with friends, I sit in my apartment and do....nothing. I'll make a hat or two here and there for "Bundles of Hope" but aside from that, I'm living a very pointless, worthless life.
I'll ask again....this can't really be all there is, right?
For about the past ten weeks or so, since about mid-August/beginning of September, I've been battling with depression. It's gotten more and more severe since it started (minimally) during the summer, but it's just been getting worse and worse. As I shared a few weeks back, I felt as though I wasn't really supposed to be going to school for right now. Well, I tried to take a class anyway, and God once again shut that door in my face, thus solidifying my already growing feelings that I wasn't supposed to. Since then, I can't seem to pick myself back up. Immediately following that major disappointment, I was faced with another one, one that I knew would end in heart-ache, but I let myself be vulnerable again and it blew up in my face. Again. It feels like God just keeps putting these seemingly perfect situations in front of me, like my dreams are finally reachable....and then suddenly they become so unattainable that I feel like the biggest idiot in the world for even believing I could attain them.
Depression is something that I've dealt with before, but my coping method has always been to just make myself busy and not think about it. Unhealthy? Yes, but it works and I can keep my mind focused and concentrated. What's been the worst about this time is that I've shared it with a few people, and they've downplayed it. One person responded with "I don't think you're depressed, you're just melancholy." Another person said "What you need is to go out, have fun, and not worry about it. It'll all just work itself out." Yet another simply nodded, and said "Well, God has a plan for you. You just need to trust him. He'll show you what you need." Well yes, that is true, I don't doubt that at all, but just because it's true doesn't mean that I'm going to feel better by someone telling me that.
When I'm depressed, I tend to just numb my emotions. I have this wonderful knack of just being able to turn them off at will. Do I become a cold-hearted bitch? Yep! But if it means protecting myself from a full-fledged breakdown, then I'm willing to do that. Well, that lasted about a month, and one night I couldn't contain it anymore and finally had the breakdown I had been avoiding. It lasted about two hours. I pulled myself together, went to bed, woke up the next morning and did what I do everyday: work and put on my happy face.
I was able to stand actually dealing with the emotions I had accidentally let loose, but eventually I was able to feel numb again, and was coping only in my own solitude.
That was until three weeks ago. I was at work and my dad called me to tell me they would be putting my grandfather on hospice care the next day. I broke down at work, left early, and rushed to be with family. Somehow this all seemed right. Now, let me clear this up a little bit. This grandfather and I were NEVER close. The fondest memory I have of him was sitting on my grandparents lawn with him and my grandmother when I was about nine or ten, and watching the fireworks on 4th of July...and that memory more stays in my mind because they had two dogs, and my aunt was in town, which was always a special treat. But ten years ago, after my grandmother died, he acquired dementia, which, if you know anything about it, is one of the most devastating diseases to get, both for the victim and the family. After about five years, he was calling us all different names; by seven years, he was responding with two and three word sentences or gibberish, and by last Christmas he just kind of stared at all of us and didn't say a whole lot at all.
Now, ever since my mom died, I've never been a fan of hospitals. But I knew I had to see him, because I sensed he would only be here a few more days, and regardless of our lack of relationship, he was still my grandpa and I needed to see him. He said he recognized me, but he never said my name, so I don't actually know if he did or not. But he just stared at my for a solid three minutes until I couldn't handle it, and told him I loved him, but I had to go. He actually said "I love you" back. That was on Wednesday. On Saturday, I got the call that he had hours to live. I went to be with him and family, and witnessed yet another person take their final breath on this earth. It doesn't get any easier.
I don't really understand why his death is more troubling to me than most of the other deaths in my family I've experienced. It may be because I'm older, it might be because as an adult, death is so much more real. But since he died, and for the first time in my life, I find myself asking, what's the point?
**Now please, don't read what I have to say and try to "rescue" me and tell me that it'll all be okay, this is just part of life. I know more than most people that THIS is part of life. I lost my mom and both grandmothers in less than a year's time. I KNOW death. And don't take the morbidity of what I'm feeling to mean that I'm in anyway depressed enough to harm myself or others. I'm far more stable than that. But I can't help that I feel this way. I just do. **
Ever since he died, and especially his funeral, I've kind of just had a "what's the point?" attitude. And seriously, what's the point? We live this life, we go to school, we buy a house, we get married, we have kids, we have grandkids....all for what? So we can eventually just end up hurting all those people that we care about so much by....dying? All life is is heartache. We put ourselves out there, we get taken advantage of. We trust, we get lied to. We fall in love, we get our hearts broken. We love those around us, they simply let us down. We walk away, we never look back. So why? Why the hell are we here? We're put on this earth to glorify God, so does that mean that I just need to do a whole bunch of crap to make Him happy? Am I really supposed to give up hope in anything? Anymore I just feel like I'm a waste of space. I have a job that I work, at most, 40 hours a week at, go to church/study for a whole 4 hours max....and aside from that and the occasional get-together with friends, I sit in my apartment and do....nothing. I'll make a hat or two here and there for "Bundles of Hope" but aside from that, I'm living a very pointless, worthless life.
I'll ask again....this can't really be all there is, right?
Monday, August 6, 2012
When You Move I'll Move, I Will Follow....
A lot of the times when I write on here, I rant...or ask advice....or just share what is going on right now. This time, I'm just sharing. Because this is a very odd time of life for me. But the first time, I think maybe ever, that I actually am at peace with what is going on.
A dream I've always had is to graduate college. For most people, this is just another step in life. For me, it's a dream. Because no one else in my family ever has. And I want to. I thrive on education; I love learning; I enjoy being independent, and possibly having a career in something that I've loved since childhood. And I've fought for this dream. It's something that I've pursued over, and over, and over again.
Surprisingly only to have every door shut. It seems that every time I have come close to going, whether its transferring from COS, or even right after high school when all my ducks were in a row...it still didn't work out. And it's been several times now. I'm beginning to wonder if God has something else planned for me; if, for whatever reason, I'm not supposed to finish school (or maybe not right now) and I'm supposed to do other things right now instead.
But if not school, then....what? All I've known for four years is Starbucks, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that I definitely don't want to stay there for the rest of my life. But that's all I know. It's all (except for school) that I've ever really been good at. So if not school, then what? I think the determining factor will come this next six months; the time has come to apply to the CSU system again. If I don't get in, I'll know it's certainly not coincidence. It's God. I guess that's where the next step comes in; figuring out what I AM supposed to be doing.
The odd thing about all this is that, normally, I would be heartbroken that this may not work out. I've planned on this for years. And wanted it for years. And for the first time since high school.....I feel at peace with the possibility of NOT going to school. The reality is that it could happen; I might not get in.
I've seen God work in some pretty awesome ways this year. And I'm quite excited to see how he moves more. I've seen how being obedient to His wishes brings amazing things. I just hope that when the time comes, I can be obedient too.
And I'm actually excited about this next chapter, however mysterious it may be.
A dream I've always had is to graduate college. For most people, this is just another step in life. For me, it's a dream. Because no one else in my family ever has. And I want to. I thrive on education; I love learning; I enjoy being independent, and possibly having a career in something that I've loved since childhood. And I've fought for this dream. It's something that I've pursued over, and over, and over again.
Surprisingly only to have every door shut. It seems that every time I have come close to going, whether its transferring from COS, or even right after high school when all my ducks were in a row...it still didn't work out. And it's been several times now. I'm beginning to wonder if God has something else planned for me; if, for whatever reason, I'm not supposed to finish school (or maybe not right now) and I'm supposed to do other things right now instead.
But if not school, then....what? All I've known for four years is Starbucks, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that I definitely don't want to stay there for the rest of my life. But that's all I know. It's all (except for school) that I've ever really been good at. So if not school, then what? I think the determining factor will come this next six months; the time has come to apply to the CSU system again. If I don't get in, I'll know it's certainly not coincidence. It's God. I guess that's where the next step comes in; figuring out what I AM supposed to be doing.
The odd thing about all this is that, normally, I would be heartbroken that this may not work out. I've planned on this for years. And wanted it for years. And for the first time since high school.....I feel at peace with the possibility of NOT going to school. The reality is that it could happen; I might not get in.
I've seen God work in some pretty awesome ways this year. And I'm quite excited to see how he moves more. I've seen how being obedient to His wishes brings amazing things. I just hope that when the time comes, I can be obedient too.
And I'm actually excited about this next chapter, however mysterious it may be.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
You Can't Have Your Cake and Eat it Too
Disclaimer: I can't sleep tonight, and haven't for a few, because all this has been on my mind. This is something I haven't shared with anyone, but now since I'm sharing it with everyone, I'm laying out the last five years in a lot of detail. This is a LONG blog, so if you're not up for it, I totally understand. But if you are, be warned: I rant a lot. And over-explain. A lot. So if you are bothered by either of those, just remember that I warned you in advance. :-)
The last few weeks, I've been going through some self turmoil. I haven't really shared it with anyone, because I know what everyone is going to say. However, it is a feeling I have deep in my heart that I feel, and fear, is an accurate truth that, if it is, I'm going to have to fight with everything in me to accept and deal with in a Christ-like manner and accept that God's dream for me is larger than my dream for me. Let me start from the beginning.
Over the last few years, I've experienced several "Life Interruptions," as my pastor so wisely calls them. From breakups to financial issues, to career changes to loss of friendships and family. Since the day I graduated high school it seems, I've made all the "wrong" choices and failed at all my attempted ventures. I've changed majors five times (in five years...at a community college), changed my mind about what I want to do, and repeatedly changed who I am as a person. Only a handful of times can I look back and go "That was a semi-decent decision." Most of the time, I realize it was the worst one I could have made.
Over the course of my life, I've been throughly, truthfully, and amiably EXCITED for, as far as I can tell, three things: the prospect of getting married, having children, and doing something with volcanoes/rocks (geology). At all points of my life, one or all of these "dreams" (fantasies?) have been present in some way. I've always wanted to be a wife, no doubt about it. The thought of sharing my life with one person and one person only is a thought that I've never considered bad or dull. I've wanted this since childhood. Along with that, I've always wanted children. Not so much when I was little, but mainly after about 16 the thought started sounding appealing to me, and by age 19, I had full blown baby-fever....which has never gone away. I've always enjoyed kids, and have always looked forward to having my own. Not even just the idea of having kids, but the whole experience of being pregnant, having the kids, raising them, seeing them grow up....it's something I've imagined on a daily basis for some time now. I think it stems back to how much my mom loved me, and I want to pass that on to a child of my own.
But on the side, I've always dreamed of working with volcanoes. I read my first book about Mount St. Helens when I was eight years old, and I was hooked. My mom and I would go to the library every three weeks, and I would max out my limit with all the books about volcanoes and earthquakes that I could, and actually did read them all. I don't remember a lot of them, but I remember the passion growing. Over the years, I always assumed I wasn't smart enough to study volcanology; I was good in math, but not that good; I was good in science, but could never hope to get that far in science. I was never pushed, never encouraged, and never told that if that's what I wanted to do, I could find a way to do it. So when I entered high school, I chose to study what I needed to to be a teacher and stuck with that most of the way through. Volcanoes always stayed in the back of my mind, and I monitored volcanic activity around the world on my own time, but studying volcanology wasn't even on the table.
When I graduated high school, I did the most idiotic thing anyone can do; I stayed in the horrible town I grew up in for a guy. A man who promised me the world, and ended up breaking my heart. Typical. But before the heartbreak, I experienced other changes. I started at COS (our community college) as a business major, hoping to learn the ins and outs of business so I could assist in building a church with this person. As the year went on, I started noticing my love for sewing. So I changed majors, and started taking clothing design classes. Although I liked all that, I realized that I didn't necessarily want to go into clothing design (as this would take me away from said promised life I was supposed to have with said person), I chose to pursue a theatre arts degree with a concentration in costume design.....which is what I was encouraged to do, to help said hypothetical church we were going to start, with said person. He encouraged me in all of this so we could have this imaginary life we were working on. Well, then the inevitable happened, and he moved on and now has that life with someone else. I was left with a broken heart, a "dream" that I didn't even realize wasn't mine, and a sewing machine I could even sit at without breaking down. I was in shambles, with the only guarantee in my life being that I worked for Starbucks, and was damn good at my job, good enough that even after only six months, I was being considered for a supervisor position. I started considering what I wanted to do again, and actually looked into volcanology even then. Having been in such a serious relationship that I was literally planning my wedding and thinking about life umpteen years in the future, I was feeling very old at the time, and the prospect of being at COS for another three years just to finish math, science and my general ed was not something I wanted to do. In my mind, I didn't have enough time to do that in my lifetime. I had missed my chance, and could never hope to achieve that. Not to mention that with all the shit going on in my life at the time, my self worth was at an all time low, and I didn't think I was intelligent enough to do anything short of walking, and knew that I would just fail all those classes anyway, so why bother, right? So I stuck to Starbucks and the knowledge that I would soon be in a leadership position.
Well, that was the year the economy failed, miserably, and Starbucks suffered a hiring/promotion freeze. We shut down over 1,000 stores that year, and thousands of people lost their jobs. No promotion there! But I thought that was what I wanted, and I decided that since I was good at what I did, I might as well go as far as I could. So I changed my major to communication so I could better understand customer service and relations.
This was the first good decision I had made since high school, and one of the few I don't regret.
Last summer, I finally moved up in the company, and the company moved down on my list of things I wanted to accomplish. Please don't get me wrong; I love the company I work for. As a "bottom of the food chain" citizen in the workforce, I am treated (by my company, NOT the public) very well and they take very good care of me. BUT I quickly realized that it was not what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.
This last October, I was facing a very serious problem; I knew already that Starbucks was not what I wanted to do for the next forty years. But I had gotten so comfortable and so confident in that decision that if not Starbucks, than....what? Communication was what I was good at. Customer service was what I was good at. But I was longing for something more, something that I could test myself with and achieve something difficult. I started praying and seriously thinking about what I wanted. I knew in my heart that I am someone who in always eager to learn. I'm curious about everything, and I wanted to learn as much as I could, whether it be science, math, astronomy, art, language, etc. But what was I good at? Well, I knew that I had never had less than an A in a science or math class, and I wasn't very good in many other things. (When I say good, I mean I wasn't the best....this tends to be my mindset.) Then it hit me like a punch in the face. What about volcanology? I've always loved it, always been fascinated in it, and always wanted to do it. Why the hell not? So I started looking into it, and decided once again that I was too old that that ship had set sail way too long ago. It wasn't until I was visiting Santa Cruz with my friend that I realized I could do this. She had a couple of friends that were (ironically enough) geology majors, that were both older than I was when they started at UCSC, and were going to be graduating that year. I realized, if they can do it, why can't I?
As soon as we got home, I signed up for trigonometry, which was the first of many pre-req's I'd need to take to do this thing.
I've told several people this, and it remains true now: I've never in my life been more excited about the career choice I've finally made. I can't wait to get to even just next semester when I get to take chemistry, precalculus and geology. If my mind isn't constantly being challenged, I feel like its dying a little, so the anticipation for learning these things I'm actually interested in is crazy. I CAN'T WAIT!! It's like I finally feel like I'm doing what I was meant to do from the beginning.
This was the second decision I've made since high school that wasn't wrong, and that I haven't regretted once.
But, in researching and realizing the reality of what it is I'm about to embark on, I started realizing other things too. And this is where people tell me I'm insane, but I truthfully don't think I am.
In pursuing geology, I'm accepting that I may have to give up those other two things I've dreamed about my whole life; marriage and children. Volcanology is not exactly a "have a career and still have dinner on the table by six" thing. It involves traveling all over the world, doing dangerous things, and coming home when either a) the volcano is done erupting or b) the volcano decides not to erupt. It involves lots of time away from home, husband and kids. Most volcanologists, for this reason, either marry within the career or don't marry at all. I started thinking about just teaching geology. Teaching has always been something I've been good at. But....I'm not sure that would be enough for me.
This is where assumptions take hold of my thought process; I've always dreamed of wanting to be a mom. But, men aren't interested in women who want to be moms. Men want women who are independent enough to do their own thing, but dependent enough to be a wife. If that woman just happens to want to be a mom too, cool! If not, I don't really think men care that much. So a career is a must. Okay, well, I have a potential career at Starbucks....but lets be real. What man wants a woman who has a career at Starbucks, who isn't a co-dependent man. And what does that say about me? That I was willing to settle for pulling shots, steaming milk and blending diabetes inducing beverages...just so I can get married and have kids? What type of message would that send to my children, that their mom gave up what she wanted to do just so she could have them? I would never be able to convince them that they are good enough for their dreams.
The reality is this; these three very core dreams have been in my life as long as I can remember. I can't remember a time when they weren't. But the harsh reality is that I can't have my cake and eat it too. Of the three desires of my heart, the things I want the most, I'm going to have to give up something to have another. The world we live in doesn't allow for "moms" to be a career (and that's not even saying I want to have that as my only thing) anymore. And I think I've found what I have to do to have life "fulfillment." It breaks my heart to accept that I may indeed have to give up a happily ever after in order to do what I want to do. But it has become a reality I have to face.
I guess the next step is dealing with the reality the right way....which I'm not known for.
The last few weeks, I've been going through some self turmoil. I haven't really shared it with anyone, because I know what everyone is going to say. However, it is a feeling I have deep in my heart that I feel, and fear, is an accurate truth that, if it is, I'm going to have to fight with everything in me to accept and deal with in a Christ-like manner and accept that God's dream for me is larger than my dream for me. Let me start from the beginning.
Over the last few years, I've experienced several "Life Interruptions," as my pastor so wisely calls them. From breakups to financial issues, to career changes to loss of friendships and family. Since the day I graduated high school it seems, I've made all the "wrong" choices and failed at all my attempted ventures. I've changed majors five times (in five years...at a community college), changed my mind about what I want to do, and repeatedly changed who I am as a person. Only a handful of times can I look back and go "That was a semi-decent decision." Most of the time, I realize it was the worst one I could have made.
Over the course of my life, I've been throughly, truthfully, and amiably EXCITED for, as far as I can tell, three things: the prospect of getting married, having children, and doing something with volcanoes/rocks (geology). At all points of my life, one or all of these "dreams" (fantasies?) have been present in some way. I've always wanted to be a wife, no doubt about it. The thought of sharing my life with one person and one person only is a thought that I've never considered bad or dull. I've wanted this since childhood. Along with that, I've always wanted children. Not so much when I was little, but mainly after about 16 the thought started sounding appealing to me, and by age 19, I had full blown baby-fever....which has never gone away. I've always enjoyed kids, and have always looked forward to having my own. Not even just the idea of having kids, but the whole experience of being pregnant, having the kids, raising them, seeing them grow up....it's something I've imagined on a daily basis for some time now. I think it stems back to how much my mom loved me, and I want to pass that on to a child of my own.
But on the side, I've always dreamed of working with volcanoes. I read my first book about Mount St. Helens when I was eight years old, and I was hooked. My mom and I would go to the library every three weeks, and I would max out my limit with all the books about volcanoes and earthquakes that I could, and actually did read them all. I don't remember a lot of them, but I remember the passion growing. Over the years, I always assumed I wasn't smart enough to study volcanology; I was good in math, but not that good; I was good in science, but could never hope to get that far in science. I was never pushed, never encouraged, and never told that if that's what I wanted to do, I could find a way to do it. So when I entered high school, I chose to study what I needed to to be a teacher and stuck with that most of the way through. Volcanoes always stayed in the back of my mind, and I monitored volcanic activity around the world on my own time, but studying volcanology wasn't even on the table.
When I graduated high school, I did the most idiotic thing anyone can do; I stayed in the horrible town I grew up in for a guy. A man who promised me the world, and ended up breaking my heart. Typical. But before the heartbreak, I experienced other changes. I started at COS (our community college) as a business major, hoping to learn the ins and outs of business so I could assist in building a church with this person. As the year went on, I started noticing my love for sewing. So I changed majors, and started taking clothing design classes. Although I liked all that, I realized that I didn't necessarily want to go into clothing design (as this would take me away from said promised life I was supposed to have with said person), I chose to pursue a theatre arts degree with a concentration in costume design.....which is what I was encouraged to do, to help said hypothetical church we were going to start, with said person. He encouraged me in all of this so we could have this imaginary life we were working on. Well, then the inevitable happened, and he moved on and now has that life with someone else. I was left with a broken heart, a "dream" that I didn't even realize wasn't mine, and a sewing machine I could even sit at without breaking down. I was in shambles, with the only guarantee in my life being that I worked for Starbucks, and was damn good at my job, good enough that even after only six months, I was being considered for a supervisor position. I started considering what I wanted to do again, and actually looked into volcanology even then. Having been in such a serious relationship that I was literally planning my wedding and thinking about life umpteen years in the future, I was feeling very old at the time, and the prospect of being at COS for another three years just to finish math, science and my general ed was not something I wanted to do. In my mind, I didn't have enough time to do that in my lifetime. I had missed my chance, and could never hope to achieve that. Not to mention that with all the shit going on in my life at the time, my self worth was at an all time low, and I didn't think I was intelligent enough to do anything short of walking, and knew that I would just fail all those classes anyway, so why bother, right? So I stuck to Starbucks and the knowledge that I would soon be in a leadership position.
Well, that was the year the economy failed, miserably, and Starbucks suffered a hiring/promotion freeze. We shut down over 1,000 stores that year, and thousands of people lost their jobs. No promotion there! But I thought that was what I wanted, and I decided that since I was good at what I did, I might as well go as far as I could. So I changed my major to communication so I could better understand customer service and relations.
This was the first good decision I had made since high school, and one of the few I don't regret.
Last summer, I finally moved up in the company, and the company moved down on my list of things I wanted to accomplish. Please don't get me wrong; I love the company I work for. As a "bottom of the food chain" citizen in the workforce, I am treated (by my company, NOT the public) very well and they take very good care of me. BUT I quickly realized that it was not what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.
This last October, I was facing a very serious problem; I knew already that Starbucks was not what I wanted to do for the next forty years. But I had gotten so comfortable and so confident in that decision that if not Starbucks, than....what? Communication was what I was good at. Customer service was what I was good at. But I was longing for something more, something that I could test myself with and achieve something difficult. I started praying and seriously thinking about what I wanted. I knew in my heart that I am someone who in always eager to learn. I'm curious about everything, and I wanted to learn as much as I could, whether it be science, math, astronomy, art, language, etc. But what was I good at? Well, I knew that I had never had less than an A in a science or math class, and I wasn't very good in many other things. (When I say good, I mean I wasn't the best....this tends to be my mindset.) Then it hit me like a punch in the face. What about volcanology? I've always loved it, always been fascinated in it, and always wanted to do it. Why the hell not? So I started looking into it, and decided once again that I was too old that that ship had set sail way too long ago. It wasn't until I was visiting Santa Cruz with my friend that I realized I could do this. She had a couple of friends that were (ironically enough) geology majors, that were both older than I was when they started at UCSC, and were going to be graduating that year. I realized, if they can do it, why can't I?
As soon as we got home, I signed up for trigonometry, which was the first of many pre-req's I'd need to take to do this thing.
I've told several people this, and it remains true now: I've never in my life been more excited about the career choice I've finally made. I can't wait to get to even just next semester when I get to take chemistry, precalculus and geology. If my mind isn't constantly being challenged, I feel like its dying a little, so the anticipation for learning these things I'm actually interested in is crazy. I CAN'T WAIT!! It's like I finally feel like I'm doing what I was meant to do from the beginning.
This was the second decision I've made since high school that wasn't wrong, and that I haven't regretted once.
But, in researching and realizing the reality of what it is I'm about to embark on, I started realizing other things too. And this is where people tell me I'm insane, but I truthfully don't think I am.
In pursuing geology, I'm accepting that I may have to give up those other two things I've dreamed about my whole life; marriage and children. Volcanology is not exactly a "have a career and still have dinner on the table by six" thing. It involves traveling all over the world, doing dangerous things, and coming home when either a) the volcano is done erupting or b) the volcano decides not to erupt. It involves lots of time away from home, husband and kids. Most volcanologists, for this reason, either marry within the career or don't marry at all. I started thinking about just teaching geology. Teaching has always been something I've been good at. But....I'm not sure that would be enough for me.
This is where assumptions take hold of my thought process; I've always dreamed of wanting to be a mom. But, men aren't interested in women who want to be moms. Men want women who are independent enough to do their own thing, but dependent enough to be a wife. If that woman just happens to want to be a mom too, cool! If not, I don't really think men care that much. So a career is a must. Okay, well, I have a potential career at Starbucks....but lets be real. What man wants a woman who has a career at Starbucks, who isn't a co-dependent man. And what does that say about me? That I was willing to settle for pulling shots, steaming milk and blending diabetes inducing beverages...just so I can get married and have kids? What type of message would that send to my children, that their mom gave up what she wanted to do just so she could have them? I would never be able to convince them that they are good enough for their dreams.
The reality is this; these three very core dreams have been in my life as long as I can remember. I can't remember a time when they weren't. But the harsh reality is that I can't have my cake and eat it too. Of the three desires of my heart, the things I want the most, I'm going to have to give up something to have another. The world we live in doesn't allow for "moms" to be a career (and that's not even saying I want to have that as my only thing) anymore. And I think I've found what I have to do to have life "fulfillment." It breaks my heart to accept that I may indeed have to give up a happily ever after in order to do what I want to do. But it has become a reality I have to face.
I guess the next step is dealing with the reality the right way....which I'm not known for.
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