Saturday, March 2, 2013

Another Dream Put to Rest

Disclaimer: If your reading this and your a) a man or b) a woman who trusts at the drop of a hat, you're not going to like this and you really just shouldn't read it. This is how I feel, what I've come to accept. I've been denying how I really feel for a long time, and it's high time I accepted it. If your opinion of me drops, so be it.

Over the last few days, I've learned a great deal about my family, and inadvertently, my life. I've learned that my family sin is lying and deceit, among other things, and I've made it my personal goal in life to be the one to break the cycle. I've also, somewhere along the way, realized that every man in my life that I've ever admired, looked up to, or trusted unconditionally has let me down by lying and deceiving me. The man I was going to marry lied to me, manipulated me, and then ultimately cheated on me. Relatives in my family have hidden things from me, lied to me and have made it impossible to trust them again....ultimately leading me to the point I never thought I'd actually come to.

I never, ever, in this ridiculous life, want to get married.

It's been proven to me over and over again that no relationship is really "good." There is always a problem, some major opposition. And how many people work it through the right way? Or all the way? It's also been proven to me over and over that men (and no, I won't sugarcoat this by saying only some men) can not be trusted. I have seen so many of the women of my life, myself included, hurt and/or devastated by lying and cheating, some by husbands or significant others, some by the most influential men in their lives. Lets just face it: chivalry in my generation is dead. Yes, men know how to show romantic gestures and "woo". But how much of that is BS? And how many times, MEN, have you let a woman walk to her car, in the dark, alone, and not even thought twice about it? And how many times, BOYFRIENDS, have you let your girlfriend drive somewhere and not bothered to check if she got home alright? And how many times, HUSBANDS, have you "innocently" flirted with the women you encounter and not thought it unfaithful? YOU are living proof of what I'm talking about.

A pet peeve I've come to terms with is how many of these damn men are men who are "friends" with girls and treat them like they're interested in them. Okay guys....women are relational creatures. Can we be friends with men without getting the "wrong impression?" HELL YES WE CAN!!!! We don't fall head over heels for every idiot that comes our way. But MEN....when you say the sweet, perfect things, and act the way not of a friend, but of someone who wants more, what do you expect? Don't act like a prospect and then treat us like a little sister the next day. Seriously, I have several male friends who do this, and I'm sick of the women around me constantly getting hurt! It sucks sitting next to a girl who has once again been devastated by a guy who was flirty and acting like a guy who wanted to date her, only to find out he's actually been dating someone. I mean seriously? I work in customer service. I see it every day. And I'm sick of it. And it doesn't stop outside the walls of the church. Sometimes it's at the very heart of it.

A dream I've had my entire life has been to get married and be a mom. Honestly, I don't even want it anymore. I'm disgusted by the men I see these days. That's not to say there aren't a few good ones out there, there are. But the majority of men I come into contact with in my life fit this. And I just can't trust the heart of men anymore.

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