For as long as I can remember, I've believed in God. I've believed that He has a plan for me, and that if I pray hard enough, go to church often enough, and obey Him enough that I'll find that path to divine happiness. Today, that has been tested and I just can't believe that anymore.
I still believe there is a God. I still believe I'm one of God's children. I still believe that Jesus was God's son, that He came and died on the cross to offer himself as a token of our salvation. I still believe that because I have believed this and still believe this, I have that salvation and will one day see God.
But I can't believe that there is a plan.
Once upon a time, I knew what my path was. I knew what God wanted me to do. I was counseled by other mature Christians who came to me and "blessed" what was happening, even before it was happening, and said they believed this was God's plan for me. However, that turned into tragedy, a tragedy that has haunted me for almost three years. One thing after another keeps surfacing and showing its ugly head in this situation....yet the only person affected by this has been, and keeps being, me. So much for a plan. If God had actually had a plan for me, why do I wake up every day wondering what the point is? Why do I walk around my day, not knowing what to do next, or how to keep on surviving? The last three years for me have been mere survival. I was up to my neck in debt, in sheer and utter self destruction mode, and on my last leg of survival. Where was that plan? There's no way all this is part of God's "plan." There's no way a God who claims to have plans for a prosperous future would make/allow me to deal with this each and every day. And that plan that seemed to be "blessed" and granted? I was lied to, manipulated, cheated on, chewed up and spit out by that "plan".
How can I ever believe that a "plan" exists for me and that I have a future?
I don't know how to keep believing anymore.
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