As most of you know, I have for about the last five months, taken a break from God. I felt as though God didn't really have my best interests in mind anymore. I was filled with anger. I was filled with frustration. And I honestly had no desire to go anywhere near a church or be around God. About a month ago, I came down with the worst flu I've ever had. I honestly felt as though I was either on my deathbed, and a couple of days I hoped I was. I was sick out of my mind. But it got me thinking, and it got me scared. I knew God was the only way out of anything. Lying in bed for a few days on end, all I could think about was getting back on my feet and getting back to God.
A couple of days later, a friend of mine met with me for coffee, and to discuss a community project I had headed up last year. Being a church event, I felt as though I knew I had to get back to God in order to do this thing with the right heart.
But I had one problem. I still do. What church do I go to? Ever since my wonderful life interruption almost exactly a year ago, I haven't felt comfortable at any church without some sort of emotional response. Out of the five I have tried, I really only felt very comfortable at one, and yet there was still a part of it that was uncomfortable.
So in trying to figure out what to do on Sundays, I've also been working on my plan for my life. I stayed in Visalia two years ago because there were promises being made that I was foolish enough to believe. And as soon as those promises became broken dreams, I realized there was no plan. No hope. No future that I knew of. I couldn't figure out what to do. I tried a few different ideas out, but knew they were futile before I even began them.
Now, lets back up a few years. My senior year of high school, on top of growing up and becoming an adult, I went through some major spiritual transformations. I was part of a small group whose sole purpose was for us to learn how to become the man or woman that God intended for us to be. I began doing some real soul searching, and realized whatever I did, I wanted to do it in a service matter. In other words, I've always loved missions work, and desired to do what I could to do this for a lifetime. I began looking into colleges down south, and realized I really wanted to move to LA. At the beginning of the year though, I had wanted to go to Humboldt, something else I was positive I wanted to do. It was hard to decide on LA, but they did have more choices, more schools, and being a small town girl, the last thing I wanted to do was move to another small town. So LA was where I would be more comfortable, and it was a "safe" choice.
Let's get back to now. In the last year, I've changed my major three times. I've been completely in limbo. I've had no clue what I want to do, no clue what I could do, and no clue what I should do. A lot of this, I'm sure, has had to do with my separation from God. But about two weeks ago or so, I once again started doing some serious soul searching, and the thought occurred to me. When I was in high school, I was so sure of myself, and so positive that what I wanted to do was what God wanted me to do. So, I made the decision to change my major back to business administration, and to go to Humboldt. If anything, regardless of it being small, I can be a light to those around me and maybe be some good to someone up there.
Now, Tuesday night. Elevate. I'm not even sure where it came from, but I felt very very close to God, and very aware that my plans as of now are the right ones. I went home and immediately began to reread one of my favorite books: The Barbarian Way. The next day, I was reading it in class and my friend asked me what it was. I instantly started telling her about Mosaic church, the experience I had there, and how much I wanted to go back at least once to see it again. Since I have an hour between that class and my next, I went into the library to do some homework. I started thinking about what had just happened. Here in Visalia, I haven't been able to really find a church I fit in with since I left the one I've been attending for seven years. Nothing feels right, but I can't go back. When I was planning on moving to LA, I knew where I was going to go. But Humboldt....now that's a place where finding a church worth going to might be a little difficult. So I said a little prayer that God would let me find one, and I randomly googled "churces in Arcata". One of the first ones that popped up immediately caught my eye: Catalyst church. I used to know some one once upon a time who was passionate about the idea of being a catalyst for God. This sparked my attention. This church, a small church in the middle of Arcata California, was just what I was looking for. If I hadn't been in a library, I would have screamed. I was so excited! And it was such a God moment!
I think the point I'm trying to make is that faith is by far the center of everything. We must have faith to have success, and we must have faith that God truly does have our best interests at heart.
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