You Are Chosen

I don't write much anymore. Not because I don't like it anymore, but I don't have time, and frankly, I haven't had much motivation to. But I find myself finally with something to discuss, a situation a lot of people, women more openly than men, deal with.

The feeling (or lie) of "not being good enough" is not a stranger to anyone. Not having enough money; not being good enough to make the team; not being good enough for the promotion. And a sidebar of that lie is the "I wasn't chosen" lie. I wasn't chosen for the job; I was chosen for the team; I wasn't chosen by (insert name.) "I wasn't chosen" is the lie I've been dealing with for the last 13 years.

Do I know it's a lie? Yes. But do I constantly battle with this lie? Yes! Do I also know how to combat it with scripture and prayer? YES!!

When talking to women my age, the majority of heart ache I hear is a resounding fear or "reality" of not being chosen...as a result of not being good enough. Where do these lies come from? What deep seeded hurt do we have that tells us we aren't worthy of being "the chosen one?" (For lack of a better name.)

I know what it was for me, and not to get into detail, it came from the one person in my life who should have made me feel chosen. But thats in the past. But things from the past are just that....they're in the past. But the deep wounds from the past are what reignite the pains of today and make us believe them all over again, even if we know better this time.

For the past few months, I've been struggling deeply with this. I've never felt worthy of being chosen. And I've never felt chosen. And in reality, I never have been chosen. I've even made the joke that I'm the "game changer" in romantic relationships. Every person, and I mean every person without fail, that I have ever dated - long term or short term - gone on a date with, or flirted with the idea of dating (that "are we or are we not" type of dating) has ended up with the next person they date. And I mean long term commitment or marriage. Every. Single. Person. Yes, I can look at that and say "Oh sure, I dodged a bullet there. Obviously they weren't the one." But is that really how I'm feeling? No. I'm feeling like I didn't meet up to par. Why wasn't I worth the risk? Why didn't he choose me? Why can't I just be good enough? Why is there always someone better?

This, of course, does not mean these feelings only erupt in romantic situations. This can happen anywhere. Family, friends, jobs, auditions, etc. The list can go on. The bottom line is that at the end of the day, we don't feel like we're enough or that we're worth it.

But heres the thing; we may not feel like we are, but there is one person who has chosen you. Who has chosen me. I've found a lot of comfort in this verse the last few months, and in all honesty, I've had to just repeat it to myself time after time after time. And it actually has brought a lot of healing. So I hope it can for you too.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew [and] approved of you [as My chosen instrument], and before you were born I separated and set you apart, consecrating you; [and] I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." (Jeremiah 1:5 AMP)

I realize God was speaking this to Jeremiah, but really, God speaks this to us all. He has chosen us before we were even born. He CHOSE you. And me. It's a beautiful thing. And it should bring peace. 

This is the year.

As I scrolled through my Facebook yesterday morning, my feed was plagued by the "Here's what I'm doing this year!" or "I loved 2014! But I can't wait to make 2015 better! Cheers!" Now granted, New Years is my absolute favorite holiday of the year, because of the fact that it does inspire change and new beginnings. However, I know the people on my Facebook. And I seem to recall what they all said last year too.

The thing is, I know me, and I know what I set out to do last year too. And I don't think I did any of it.

So here's my goal for this year. And, a lot of it is cliché. But as I sit here in my house, almost 26 years old and coming out of one of my least favorite years, I'm eager for the New Year. Because it means I get to put this year behind me and I actually do have the power to make changes this year. So here goes.

This is the year I start taking care of myself.
This is the year I stop letting others influence my decisions.
This is the year I stop being afraid of cutting negative people out of my life.
This is the year I run a half marathon.
This is the year I commit to finishing school.
This is the year I learn more about the Bible and God's promises.
This is the year I truly forgive.
This is the year I take more responsibility.
This is the year I accept reality and stop chasing wild dreams and start accepting reality.
This is the year I become me again.

Love Others

Someone very important in my life took their last breath yesterday and went to be with our Lord. He was a man who literally loved every single person he came in contact with. Not only did he love them, he cared for them. If you felt at all that he didn't, or that he had forgotten about you, or that he was too "busy," this simply wasn't true. He just had so much love he didn't know what to do with it.

He spoke of love for other people. When I think of what he taught all of us, I think about when Jesus is discussing the commandments with the Pharisees after they question him to test him. "And He replied to him, You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind (intellect). [Deut. 6:5.]  This is the great (most important, principal) and first commandment.  And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as [you do] yourself. [Lev. 19:18.]  These two commandments sum up  and  upon them depend all the Law and the Prophets." (Matthew 22:37-40, AMP)

He strove to reach the lost and those who couldn't help themselves; he had a heart unlike any other I've ever met; he was a man of God; he bragged on his wife at every chance he had, and spoke of her with pride; they had the type of marriage that stories and legends are made from; he had two amazing, wonderful sons, who listened intently to their fathers words; he was always kind; he was always forgiving. He had a heart after God's own, and he longed to be with Jesus.

When I quickly had to leave my church at the age of 19, he took me into the leadership of his own ministry. When I strayed away, not once, but many times - he was quick to reel me back in and help me realize how precious I was to Jesus. When I dropped the ball, he was forgiving. When I made mistakes, he didn't judge. And I'm certainly not the only person he did this for.

I didn't have words when it happened, and even now, I still don't really know what to say. I can't wrap my head around the fact that I will never again in this life see or hear him preach from a pulpit, or hear him tell the beautiful story of how he and his wife met, or how his dad met his mom (one of my favorite God stories of all time.)

What is hardest for me, though, is how life just seems to keep going. The world (yes, not just the Central Valley, the whole world) has lost an amazing person...yet we just keep going on with life. I personally feel like a part of my world is missing. No, he and I were not great friends, but I respected him, and learned from him. In the last few months of his too short life, those around him have witnessed just how many people he actually impacted - and those are just the people on Facebook. How many more unspoken voices are out there? Someone put it so perfectly, "[He] was a world changer." That he most certainly was. Myself, and so many others, came to know who Christ really is because of him, and he helped so many of us find our way to eternity. Some of us will spend eternity with GOD because he took the time to invest in our lives, had the confidence to speak the bold truth, and had the patience to bear with us when we messed up.

My intent is that I haven't been able to say what I feel in words, so I had to put them in writing. If that  means tons of people who I don't even know read this, then that's fine. At the end of the day, our job as a human on earth is simple - love others as we love ourselves. Take a moment to care about someone else today. Have more patience today. Invest in someones life. LOVE someone who may not know what love is.

Definitions

The new year is fast approaching, and as I look back on 2013, the idea of what defines me has really been on my mind and heart lately. How am I defined? What do people first think when they meet me? What puts me in one social category and not another?

I've noticed that what typically defines a person is how they are introduced. Over the years I've been introduced in many ways: "This is Elisabeth, so-and-so's girlfriend" or "This is Liz, she works at Starbucks." Or better yet, "This is Liz." Having no "definition" is almost worse than not being introduced at all! But does that really give someone a good idea of who I really am?

When I look at my life and personally define myself, I could easily say "I'm Liz. I work at Bath and Body Works, I'm studying wedding/event design, and I attend TheChurch at Visalia. I'm a follower of Jesus Christ, I have a dad, step-mom and step-sister, and I live alone with two cats." But really, who am I? Those are all things I do, or am involved in, or take up the majority of my time. But is that really who I am?

What people think doesn't matter. But what people see does. When people meet me, I want them to immediately be able to tell that I'm a follower of Jesus Christ. I don't want them to have any shadow of a doubt that I'm on fire for God. I want to set an example for the people around me. And if I wear a mask around some people because I want to be defined as something different than what I really am, than I want to learn how to take that mask off and never hide behind it again.

I want to live up to being Liz (or Elisabeth if we're being formal), a follower of Jesus who loves God and loves people; who wants to serve in the church for the rest of her life; who wants nothing more than to be a good and faithful servant to a wonderful and gracious King.

That is how I hope to be defined this year. 

Snow

Snow isn't something I'm too familiar with. I was born in the dead of January, in Colorado. But within months of being born, my mom and dad decided to move to the Central Valley of California. But for as long as I can remember, my mom always missed the snow, and my dad would always talk about it. I grew up wishing for snow, but where we are, it happens about once every thirty years.


When I had just turned ten, I had had enough of hearing about snow. I wanted the real deal. Being a young child, I prayed with my mom and dad every night before bed. And you better believe, every night for what felt like months, but was probably only a couple of weeks, I diligently prayed for the thing I wanted most. Snow.

I don't want to throw my dad under the bus, but in this sense, it's really relevant to the story. One very specific night, I prayed my usual "And God, please make it snow here." And my dad quietly chuckled. I was super offended. He simply replied, "Sweetie, I understand how much you want it to snow, but it just doesn't happen around here. We don't get snow." I believe my reply was something along the lines of "Well, I asked God and God can make anything happen, even snow."

At about 5 am the next morning (January 25, 1999...I remember dates like nobodies business), I woke up to my dad looking out the window and laughing. I got up and looked outside. The ground was white. The cars were white. It was grey and there was something white falling from the sky.

God had made it snow.

I remember three specific things from this day. I remember setting out to make the biggest snowball I could; I remember my rottweiler sticking her head, face first, into the snow and running around completely blindly; and I remember the wonder of knowing that God really could do anything.

This memory came to me today, I don't know why, but maybe just because I've seen God do so many amazing things this last year. But I've never thought about the faith I had during this whole time. I had that pure, innocent, childlike faith that God could do anything, and that anything was possible through him. No one had to teach me that, I had just heard it my whole life and had no problem believing it.

So what changes in life? What makes us turn from that childhood awe of believing (with zero doubt) that God can make anything happen....to a person who has to believe that they believe in God's ability, and often doesn't recognize what God has really done? Now, I've learned that when God answers prayer, he answers it according to His will, not mine. He answers with what he knows is best for me, not what I think is best for me. But I'll be honest, half the time when I ask God for something or to do something, it's almost in passing, and not with real, fervent prayer. I don't doubt that he'll follow through...but do I believe it with my whole heart?

I wish I could answer yes all the time. But maybe because he has shown himself to be faithful so often in my life, I can start making a true effort to pray with purpose. To pray for what is best in my life, not what I want or think I need in my life.

God made it snow in the Central Valley. Anything can happen.

Sticks and Stones

We all know the saying - "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." I don't know about you, but I have a pretty high pain tolerance - physically. Emotionally? Eh, not so much. Bottom line is, by this age, I'm sure we've all realized that that phrase is a load of crap. Words hurt. Whether they are said by friends, co-workers, spouses, significant others, parents, siblings, etc. I tend to find that the words that hurt the most are the ones that are said behind our backs that we aren't supposed to find out about. Or the ones said in anger during a fight. Or more importantly the ones that are meant to harm us, manipulate us, or control us. So here are just some thoughts I have on the subject of words - both for giving and receiving them.

1. Watch What You Say
It goes without saying that everything that we say will do one of two things - It will either help or hurt. I was just watching a Beth Moore video where she stated that "There is nothing on earth louder than your mouth." Just...ponder that for a second. We remember quotes, song lyrics, lines from movies, punch lines to jokes. My best friend can recite whole stand up comedy skits from beginning to end, almost word for word. Show her a picture and ask her to repeat it, and she may be able to give a few key details, but not too much. The point is, we remember words more than anything else. Which is why they are so powerful. Watch what you say. Your words can (and will, most of the time) come back to haunt you if you use them incorrectly.

2. Watch What You Hear
Watch how you're listening and receiving information. What I mean by this is always have an open mind when you're listening to what someone is telling you. Or whatever words you are receiving. Even in the middle of an argument. From personal experience, I've found that if you walk into a conversation with a negative perspective on whatever will be said, that's all your going to hear. And even if it wasn't meant to be that way, you most likely won't take it in its context at all if you're already expecting it to be bad. Listen to what is said, not what you think you hear.


3. Consider the Motives of the Speaker/Source
This is the biggie. Even people who are your closest friends will probably talk about you behind your back. It's just fact. Some of your worst enemies probably will too. And then someone - be it friend or foe - will tell you about it. And then you'll hear it. Remember the above two points? That's where those come in handy.

My Aunt said a long time ago that "[When someone says something behind your back, they are saying it for them, not for you. If they were saying it for you, they would probably say it to you.]" I'm going to say this as best I can, because I have seen it proven over and over again. If your real friends say something about you behind your back, they are probably saying it because they need to vent about some things in your friendship that they know would really hurt you if they said it to you. So they vent to other people. These things have the potential to really hurt us if we let them. However, really take to heart what I just said. They were said behind your back in order to keep you safe and not hurt you. 

Now, on the flip side of that, there are things said behind your back by people who you know are not your friends. Well, just don't listen to them. Those are meant to hurt. And often they do. And I'm not saying they shouldn't, because a lot of times, those can be really cutting. But if they really dislike you that much, why should you care as much? I'm just as guilty of letting those things ruin my mood and attitude too...but I also have had to reassess who my real friends were.


In the same sense, pay attention to who is giving you information on what is being said behind your back. Usually, if someone is telling you what is being said about you, they aren't holding your best interests at heart. Sometimes they are, but not often. This is known as gossip...and it spreads like a weed. And it hurts. Sadly, it's usually meant to. If you're being informed on what is being said behind your back, really consider who is doing the telling.

Bottom line is....words can hurt, and usually do. I'm not saying to become some robot and shut off your emotions around gossip. That's impossible. But by really considering what is being said by whom, you may be able to dissuade the hurt a little bit.

"Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear." - Ephesians 4:29

New Chapters and New Beginnings

As I've written lately, I've been going through a HUGE state of transition lately. This week, I close the chapter I've never thought I'd have to and begin one I never thought I would; my job. I've voiced my frustration about my life at my job a few times, and even my few triumphs. But I feel like I've been earmarking this chapter, and just staying there for a long time; it has been safe, it has been predictable, and it has been stable. But it is finally time to move on. It is once again time to "let go and let God."

A few months ago, we completely switched our way of doing things and the shift manager role. Our responsibilities were doubled while our time was cut in half. It was awful. I immediately started looking for a new job. Nothing popped up after looking for a couple of weeks, and I reluctantly (yet, with an ironic state of relief) decided that I was supposed to stay there for whatever reason. I remember telling my coworker that if I were meant to change jobs, God would unmistakably show me.

Fast forward to last month. I was at my old place of employment, Bath and Body Works. I worked here alongside of my current job for three years (with about a four month gap in the mix) until this last March when I had to "permanently" leave due to scheduling conflicts with my job. I was just in buying candles and soaps, and my old boss and a couple of other old coworkers asked about work. I voiced a little of my frustrations with my position, my development and the company as a whole. I was informed that there were some job positions open in the company, and that if I were interested, I could get in contact with the district manager and set up an interview. My attitude at the time was more of a "sure, why not try."

I talked it over with my best friend and we laid out a pro/con list. It was very evident that financially this could be a huge risk, but in the long term, it could be a great possibility for me. I then prayed about it, and realized that God had opened a door for me, in a place where so many seemed barred shut in my "safe" place. I had a way out.

I let my manager at my job know I had an interview, had the interview and was offered a job the next day. Talk about providence.

This is a huge step for me. With the exception of a year after high school, This job has been all I've known. I've spent my entire adult at that company. This company has seen me through hearth-ache, all my college years, moving out, moving back in, moving out again and staying independent. It has seen me through sickness and health, times of hope and times of despair. It's also caused a lot of those. But ultimately, it has been a fantastic company to work for. And a wonderful chapter of my life.

But it is time to let it go, and see what else is out there.

It's scary to think that in four days, I will no longer be a barista. I will no longer hear the drone of the drive through "ding", the "I need a caramel Frappucchino", and the "Oh, I ordered that iced." But I also won't hear the "you guys make my morning every day!" And the regular customers that we see every day that seem absent when on vacation. Or the customer we all love that gets sick and we miss seeing them. Or the customer that treats us like her own children and brings us snacks on the dreaded Black Friday overnight shift. No more regulars, no more modifiers, and no more authentic (and some not so authentic) customer connections. But I also won't smell like old coffee, my car won't smell like old milk, and I won't have to constantly be investing in slip resistant work shoes. There are so many good and bad things about working for a company such as the one I've called home for so many years. To say I've loved every minute would be a lie, but I have certainly had some good moments, some growing moments, and some unforgettable memories. I've made friends - some that stuck, and some that didn't- and even had some life changing experiences (such as getting plugged into my current church at just the right moment.)

As one chapter ends, another begins. Two roads diverged, and I took the one less taken. When God closes a door, he opens a window. Put whatever label or cliché fits. The bottom line is that it has been a wonderful chapter, and God knows what comes next.

"'For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and future."